Hello to all. First off, like many have started their story... I have real empathy for those that post on this site, especially the ones that have to deal with some real crap in their lives. My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to any of you reading this, for perhaps it may give you hope.
Not sure where to start with my life so i'll just back track to as far as I can remember the obstacles occurring. I was molested by my cousins several times as a young kid, 4th grade. One cousin would wank me off, and at the time I thought that was sex. As a boy, I followed my brother who was a devote christian. During the time the molestation happened, I thought I committed the worst sin of all.. that God would never forgive me. This is when my first addictive habit began as I would then masterbate all the time as a little kid, even before I could actually ejaculate. I would do it and then cry and feel terrible about myself, but I could not stop. I was also a cute kid, and my mom would tell me my nose was ugly so she told me to start tugging at it so that I could "shape" it. Well let me tell you, this little thing manifested into something much greater than she could have ever imagined. By the time I was in high school I hated myself so much.. I could not accept myself.. why should I? I had already hated myself as a kid, and taught not to accept the way God had made me. So I tried things to change my looks, grinding my jaw, doing head stands to shape my head, pushing my cheek bones down with my bare hands. Yes it sounds stupid, and looking back I wonder wtf was I thinking?
Around early highschool I then found weed, and started messing around with other drugs. Weed was my outlet, it finally made me not care about crap. Oh, and I also had bad case of acne which just demolished the little self esteem that I had, and pushed me further to smoke cigs, weed, and drink.
While on the druggy/party lifestyle, I have to admit, it did make me forget my problems... of course b/c I was too doped up 24/7, morning to night, for years. Out of highschool I was going to join the navy, but during a party weekend I took shrooms, extacy, and acid (acid for the first time). This trip lasted hardcore for a week, and I knew that it had changed me. Well that next year I was pretty much a vegetable. I was isolated, lost all contact with my friends, couldn't speak to anyone. I had such a severe anxiety disorder, and I hallucinated, saw static vision and distortions 24/7. It took a long time before I could even drive at night b/c the lights of all sorts would bug my eyes. During this time I just prayed, but I felt so hopeless and cursed along with all these other terrible feelings. The biggest thing that hurt me from this condition which is known as HPPD, hallucinating perception persisting disorder, was the inability to make eye contact with people. I still kind of suffer from this and its really quite odd, the best way I can explain it is that it is very difficult to connect with people bc making eye contact is no longer 2nd nature.
Well I got over it, well 90% i'd say (aside from the eye contact part). But then I fell back into weed, yes a stupid decision by me. I am an addict, my father was an addict, my grand father (suicided) and uncle (Overdosed on coke)... it runs in the family.
Oh did I mention I was suicidal and severely depressed at a young age? I also have two older brothers whom never gave me a bit of guidance. My father was the type to just "oh he'll learn on his own" and well my mother couldn't do much for me either. My parents also prob lost close to a million dollars over their lifetime to gambling, and we lost our old house b/c of it. They finally got me braces after highschool but didn't want to go with the dentist I wanted b/c he wanted to charge like 600 bucks more, so we went with an asian dentist who should REALLY not be able to give braces b/c despite having braces for 3 years my teeth were still not straight.
So now I am 26. I am just getting over a broken heart, I feel that I have found the love of my life but she does not feel for me like I do for her. Maybe in due time. Also, I recently have been breaking out again but this time around my neck which really sucks b/c it takes forever to heal.
My oldest brother of 40 years old is mentally ill and moved back in our home about a year ago. He abuses prescription medicine on a daily basis and sits at home and laughs like the joker ALL day. That really killed my hope as well b/c I prayed for him so much along with my family and he just didnt get better. He even went to jail after he got charged for battery against me, and well thats a whole different story. We found and hid his gun so he wouldn't shoot up the entire family.
So to sum it up in a nut shell.. ive lived with low self esteem, anxiety, depression, and many other bad feelings for quite some time.
But I am not on here for your sympathy..
I am here to tell you that I KNOW God exists. Despite my trials and tribulations, I feel much better now.. almost like the storm has finally passed. I know my story is nothing compared to some folks on here but please I assure you, I have felt true pain and suffering in my life like most of you. And for that, regardless of our differences - pain and suffering is universal.
But I am here to say that I still long to live a good life and that is what I will do. I recently purchased some self help books that I am excited and eager to read. I recently started working out again and it has done wonders for my self esteem. I have also gone to see a dermatologist which I think will help. I have also not smoked pot now for some weeks and will continue not to do so. I am about to quit cigarettes soon and I am also going to detox.
I guess my point, other than venting, is that perhaps someone can relate to my story. But instead of sitting here and saying life sucks, bc I promise you my life has sucked for so long, I will sit here and say that if you change your mind, you can change your world... if you put in the effort, you can make change. I realized today that happiness does not come from just reaching goals and accomplishments, but mainly for being happy with what you have. It takes conditioning, and I am not an expert, but if you REALLY think about it.. you can take almost every situation and make your mind think of something good of it.
I'm sure the trolling will begin. But I could careless. Hope this helps atleast one person. Ive said it many times in my life and I have been through hell and back... atleast thats what its felt like for me.
God bless. | |
You need a therapist. If addiction runs in your family, without help, you will continue to battle your vices on your own. You need support. There are groups out there that focus soley on addiction- go out there and join one. Talk to a professional- they can give you techiniques to cope with addiction. Thanks for sharing your story. Good luck, you can do it!
Cursed
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