My mom died when I was about 14-15 years old. Even though I have always been quiet and not really a people person, I closed up even more after her death. My mom's family completely forgot about my brothers, my dad and I. They didn't only forget us but they also told to everyone we knew that we were responsible for my mom's death which is completely stupid since she died from cancer. Why would us - her family - be the cause of her cancer? I always loved my mom very dearly. I was even sleeping with her until she passed away. After her death everything became a mess. No money, no structure. My dad was very supportive but it was still very dysfunctional. I am so grateful for my dad since he was the one that was there for us - my brothers and I - throughout the whole time. We had a lot of financial difficulties. We moved from one side of the country to the whole other side believing that would be the remedy for our misery. I went to university. My dad always wanted me to become a Dr. But I don't have the money, the time and the will to do that. I got accepted to the program I wanted, but it was in a city 10 hours away from where my family was living. I went there for a few years. It was very difficult. I changed a lot throughout those years. I had my first relationship, my first love, and the first time I got my heart broken. The boy I was going out was with a lot of different people and he was also already planning on marrying this girl that he knew for a long time that was living in Australia. That destroyed me since I really loved that boy and I even gave up my virginity for him. After I got over this guy (third year of living on my own), I started eating very little and exercising a LOT. I came down to about 95 pounds and I am 5'4. I met this other guy. And we went out. In a matter of a few months I gained so much of weight - 130 pounds!! The new boy started changing the way he was interacting with me. I lived with him, his mom and step dad for a while (fourth year of living without my family). It was very difficult. No privacy. We always argued and fought. I would always binge-eat. would wake up in the middle of the night and eat everything. And then I finished my program. And came back to my family. We are a very small family and we have a lot of financial difficulties. My brother finished his education and couldn't find a job so he had to move to another city about 10 hours from where we are when I was still going to school. I have now finished but I cannot find a job. I do not understand. It is so difficult to survive. Every time you think you overcame something and you are actually in the right way something else comes up just to bring you down. Even though I finished my education, I feel HORRIBLE. since I have no job, I owe so much of money on student loans and I am completely emotionally destroyed. I feel gross, fat, unattractive, unimportant, useless, stupid. Say something negative and this is how I feel like. | |
New Comment