LIFE SUCKS

feeling lost

I was about to get married with my boyfriend of over 8 years. We planned to have our wedding in 4 months but ever since he proposed at the end of last year we have had numerous arguments. The arguments were all related to family issues and wedding plannings. We are sharing all wedding expenses. We decided to move into his parents' house after marriage. This is because we want to save more money and eventually purchase our own place. I am a girl who is straightforward and sometimes emotional. I sometimes have low self-esteem and my boy friend is sometimes controlling and emotional. He does not like my parents and I tried to maintain a good relationship with his parents. However, ever since we started planning the wedding, I figured that he always tells me to shut up and ignores my feelings and he doesn't want my parents to give opinions either. Our two families are very different so there are different expectations from our wedding. As a bride, I already tried to keep my mouth shut for the most part but then I became extremely worried that all of us will not get along after I move in to their house after the wedding. I worried because I do not want to keep quiet about all my feelings for the rest of my life. I think I should say how I feel and what I want even though what I want may not be want I get. I told him a few times about my worries and he said that I am trying to blame his parents and that I want to make all the decisions for the wedding. His mom called my mom as if she wanted to find out what the future in-laws' expectations of the wedding would be. He then told me that he recorded the phone conversation between the moms and he said that my mom was demanding. He also said that he wanted to postpone the wedding and that he should have ended our relationship a few years ago. I am now 28. I have been with this guy since 19 and now the wedding is postponed indefinitely. We are almost going to break up. I am just a simple girl who does not play mind games. I am so stressed out that I cannot even concentrate at work and almost cry during work hour and cried when I was driving home from work today. I have no one to talk with as my friends thought I am a happy bride and he doesn't like me to going out with friends. My parents and brother see that I am unhappy but I cannot tell them what happened. That's why I came here. I think I am going to have a depression soon. We have had simple pre-marriage counseling before with a pastor but it did not work at all as he doesn't like to listen to any of that. He thinks that this was just a waste of time. The pastor is so close to his family that I really cannot talk about my worries and I don't want to cause more issues. We are both under a lot of stress due to wedding preparation and work. All I wanted was to have discussions between two of us and make decisions together, set boundaries and build a family together. However, he is so close to his mom and he is heavily rely on his mom to make decision or doing anything. I cannot play mind games and I do not want to have a home that is always playing mind games. I only want to have a simple family and simple life. I still love him but I really don't know how to resolve this...