ever since I was 13 I dated men online and one in particular was simply the love of my life.. he turned out to be a liar, stood me up many occasions and I was never able to meet him, and yet it didn't bother me even after dating for 3 years. why you ask? because my parents marriage was nothing better. I mimmicked their marriage into my life without ever realizing it. I stopped talking to him for 3 years during college..
but after my father died in a 4 wheeler accident with just me there giving him useless CPR.. and then later an ambulance, I began to reach out to my internet liar. he has never been good for me.. and I have had counseling but not very long. even while I talked to this man, I was dating other men but nothing ever serious.. I have never had a serious relationship and Im 23. how pathetic is that?! everyone I know has had at least one. I used to be obese all throughout school up to my sophomore year in college.. but after I moved back home 2 years ago I gained it all back and now my confidence is at an all time low once again. now after a year I have been trying to get a job but it requires me to pass one or two exams. I have failed twice... and now my loans are after me with a minimum payment of $800 a month.
how do I live? why do I want to live? no one will hire me, Im fat AGAIN, I have no significant other.. my father is gone, my mom works in an entire different city 5 hours away so I live by myself barely supporting myself. now my mother dates pottheads and never has better appreciation for herself. I need a f****** job already but I almost feel like I don't deserve one because I have issues of speaking to a non-existent person everyday!!!!!!!!!! I dont know what else to do but cry and wish I could drop dead. I feel like if my dad was here.. everything would be ok. I feel like I disappoint him every day of my existence. I know if I killed myself my college debt would go to my mom.. so it's not really an option. if something GOOD could ever come out of my life I would be so thankful and never feel this way again, but it hasnt.. so I shall continue to be miserable. | |
Who cares if you are fat. I wish I was and been trying to freaking gain lbs but I cant! and Im too small to work in my area of job cause It be better if I was thicker. Apply at any jobs for now like wal-mart or etc. how about caregiving jobs? screw the guy you met online. Theres plenty more out there or online.
thank you from the first post, I do not really self support myself financially.. my mom has been helping me so I am really grateful for that but I hate asking her because my dad raised me to be independent. however I am looking for small jobs now.. I feel like it would help my depression somewhat.. maybe. well just remember too skinny is always better than too fat. the last guy I dated was pretty skinny, I was barely thinner than him lol but I still liked him a lot. didnt work out. I will start trying to be more thankful... maybe then I will find true happiness.
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