LIFE SUCKS

4 babies gone....When will this end

Hello, a couple of years ago, back in 2000, I got pregnant with my first child. Things was going really well through the pregnancy until I start going into premature labor. At 5 months pregnant, I lost my baby girl. I then waited a least a year or so and got pregnant again, second baby. I carried this one until 4 months and miscarriage again, I had an doctor's appt that morning for an ultrasound. At the doctor, they found no heart rate or movement, thats when I discovered that my baby was dead, had been for 2 days at least. Devastated and depressed, I waited again to get pregnant, I then got pregnant with third baby, in 2005, after I lost my second one in 2003, two years later. With baby number 3, this time we use caution, I then learned that I had a incompetent cervix which I can't carry babies to term. So I had to have some kind of cervical net put in place to hold the cervix together. With that done, It held out until I got at least 6 months, somehow, the baby ended up coming through it and I had yet again suffered preterm labor and lost another baby, a boy, which by the way the other 2 was also boys. Well 3 more years pasted since, and in 2009, here I go again, pregnant. The same technique was used with baby number 4, as used with baby 3. Went 4 months, went into labor, had the baby at home while on the toilet, another lost, A girl. After so many lost, pain and sufferings. I completely gave up on having kids and got my tude tide. I fell in deep deep depression, thoughts of suicide, and felt like I was less than a woman because I couldnt carry any babies. My whole world was in complete shatters. I don't want to adopt, I always want my own baby, now that's not going to happen. Today in my life, I feel a little better, and still feel that I could of being the best mother. If I had a choice to get pregnant again, my choice would be, I can't go through that pain again.