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Do I deserve this?

Posted by anonymous at May 16, 2012
Tags: Health  2012 May

I had a normal child hood until age 9 when I was diagnosed with dyslexia. My mother pulled me out of school to be home schooled. As a result I felt stupid & lost all my friends(I begged to go back to school until the day I graduated). When I was 13 my older brothers friend raped me in my basement while my family slept. I was raped at a camp fire a year later by a boy I was crushing on. I never told anyone about the rapes because I was ashamed & frustrated because I had so much taken away from me. Then in college a close friend (my best friends boyfriend) raped me by force. (My friend blamed me & never talked to me again) Even writing this makes me want to hide away forever. It must be my fault that this happened so many times. I never asked for this abuse but for some reason it happened. HOW CAN I LEARN TO FEEL THIS ISNT MY FAULT? I can't convince myself. Besides the sexual abuse I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from age 16-20. It turned into physical abuse near the end & almost killed me. When I ended the relationship my ex cocked his shot gun & threatened to kill himself. He turned the gun on me. I ran outside & called 911, & after heard a single shot but he didn't shoot himself, just a show for me. After everything, he never had any consequences for what he did. (no one ever got punished for the pain they caused me.) He now beats his new girl friend & I can't help feeling partly responsible for that. Now it has been almost 3 years since the end of the relationship & I have improved. I am still trying to cope with PTSD but I get better every day. I just can't help hating him for making me this way. I suck at relationships. I am supper sensitive & guarded. I don't like to let anyone in because I'm scared to get hurt again. I expect the worst from everyone. I hate my past & I think its embarrassing. But its hard for me to move on & trust someone new. I put up walls & I don't know how to take them down. I just want to have a normal life. HOW CAN I PUT MY PAST BEHIND ME & FOCUS ON TODAY? HOW CAN I LET OTHERS KNOW I CARE FOR THEM & BE CARED FOR IN RETURN WHEN IM SO FUCKED UP INSIDE?


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New Comment

By anonymous at 17,May,12 03:58

You should sleep. And wake up and tell The person closest to you about this. Letn it out. And love yourself, and don't think you're fucked just chill. Shit happens. It's all over. your future is in your hands. Take care.
I'm a 17 year old boy who was sad so came here. Love yourself. It's important

By anonymous at 17,May,12 09:53

I am a abused and raped young woman as well. What I do is try not to think about it, and effect my life. If you tell people, sometimes they will turn on you. For example, I once told my new boyfriend that my ex tried to kill me, and he ended up being even more abusive, knowing that he could get away with certain things and still have me. If anybody does anything to you, just get away. I don't trust people easily anymore, but this is a good thing. People need to earn your trust.

By at 18,May,12 07:46

I'm kinda amazed how 15 or 16 year old boys can rape little girls in their own houses... da fuck you didn't scream for bitch?????????? why didn't you bite his dick off or scratch his eyes out unless he just pressured you into having sex with him and you like an idiot said yes so he gave it to you rough and you didnt like it and told him to stop but he kept on going.
Ehh... I just want to know where the fuck do you live where teenage boys rape little girls in their own houses so I can stay the fuck away from that god forsaken place...

By Cursed at 18,May,12 11:25

It is not your fault. Men FUCKING SUCK! SEX IS ON THE BRAIN 24/7. They can't help themselves. What you need to do is find a therapist- to talk about the rape trauma. Next it's high time that you quit being the "victim". Go to the local FIRE ARMS RANGE and learn how to SHOOT A GUN! Sign up for some kick-boxing/karate classes. Arm yourself for ASSAULT. It's a dog-eat dog world out there sister. Women need to fucking wake up and smell the coffee! Time to quit being the helpless, whiny, inferior stereo-type that men love to place on us! TIME to learn how to KICK SOME ASS! Go and sign up for a class on self-defense- immediately! No more. Look at you?! You've got spunk. You're strong. You can do it! Time to turn the tables!

By anonymous at 18,May,12 12:45

tell your parents init its the best for u you cant just hide it and whats there to be embarrsed about its a serious problem
i manage to save myself by being a bitch

By Mateen at 20,May,16 10:18

I did'nt know where to find this info then kaboom it was here.

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