It is almost hilarious how wrong life can be. I understand there is much worse suffering in the world (and the lack of justice in people have it worse depresses me), but to me, suffering is relative to ones life experiences. I was born into a broken family. My mom, who is now slowly dying, was born overseas into a "traditional" family, and what i mean by traditional family i mean a patriarchal devout family who value the family image over the well-being of their own daughter. My grandfather on my mother's side was an abusive alcoholic who, in a "A Child Called It" fashion treated one daughter as a treasure and my mom like a punching bag. Not just physically mind you, psychologically as well. My mom told me a story of how my grandfather took my mom out around Christmas time when she was around 6 years old to the toy store. He purposefully bought my aunt a gift, and when my mom told him what she wanted for a present, he promptly told her he only came to get my aunt a present and that he wouldnt spend money on her. From there she has been hospitalized due to beatings by my grandfather and other family members (and my grandmother just watched). She ended up in a foster home, and from there was raped, abused (by my father),almost raped (by my aunt's husband and an owner of a local restaurant), verbally abused (all boyfriends and her husband, my father), almost murdered by stabbing and beatings (my dad again and by one of her boyfriends), and developed lupis and is going to die of complications (neuropathy,osteoporosis, osteoarthritis, liver and kidney failure, severe idiopathic edema, and immunodeficiency due to immuno suppresents). Barely in her 40's my mom is dying. Your probably wondering what this has to do with me? well i witnessed/experienced/ heard about all these experiences and far more throughout my life. It turns out that being abused and witnessing horrible leaves a large psychological effect. I became severly antisocial and introverted. This takes its toll, never going to other kids birthday parties to never really having friends to never having lovers. I dont blame all of it on my past, but often i just dont know how to interact with people. I have been in "trists", but never a relationship. Often,it ends. i dont always know why, but i can guess it has to do with my psychological condition. Other times its because the women im interested end up being taken, homosexual, or not understanding of my problems, particularly when they find out about my past suicide attempts. sadly, i really cant pretend or change who i am, and my personal morals make me honest. so i am messed up because i feel alone, and i am alone because i am messed up. All i have ever wanted was to not feel alone. but i have noone because i am damaged. I have been used, betrayed, abandoned, abused, or straight up rejected. In the end...it just really feels like life is not really worth living. People argue with me, throwing a bunch of generic cliche's of how the future will be brighter, but nothing in my past has shown me that to be true. I have so many examples that i could tell people of events that crush me...all i wanted was to be loved, but because i cant seem to adapt...i just have nothing. Sad thing is that i have no criminal record, i never abused or assaulted anyone, i never raped nor stalked anyone...but i am rejected. my existance is purely pathetic, as i am sure you would agree if you knew about me. | |
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