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Doomed before the start...

Posted by SilentlySufferingSam at May 17, 2012
Tags: Childhood  2012 May

I grew up not knowing the many secrets kept from me...
I grew up perfectly with my mother and father with me, they divorced when i was young, i didn't mind since they both stayed in my life... though my dad worked so much i only talked to him once every few months. Me and my mother were once somewhat close. i was always a silent and shy child... but when i turned 10 things changed. my mother told me my father wasn't my biological father. She told me he died, soon after they broke up, he cheated on my mom before i was born, while she was pregnant with me. Then she began dating, i had a younger sister and even younger brother. When my mom was pregnant with my brother, my step-dad hit her the stomach with a shovel, that made my brother autismic, it hit him directly in the head. My sister has a mental issue that makes her violent and emotional, short tempered, that she inherited. My mother has a learning disability, but won't admit her memory issues, paranoia. and additional mental issues.... I'm the only one in the family that is sane, I've always been good but because of my moms issues she always thinks im a problem child. While she dated, some of her partners would watch us while she went to work, one had ms, multiple scerosis, she tried to kill my mom with a knife she took from the kitchen while we were in school, my mom barely escaped the house that time, and if she didn't, i would have came home that day, to be killed myself... That woman had used her daughter in her relationships to live with her partner and get money from them, she would leave after saving up a few thousand dollars and disappear. She would pretend to be a struggling single mom. My mom became a different person. She would lie, cheat, accuse, she would hit me and scold me horribly when i made the smallest mistakes. She won't let me have a social life, she never has. My adopted father is the only one i trust, i don't and can't trust anyone related to me, they have issues. It got so chaotic at home, me and my sister begged my dad to gain custody of us. My parents battled, at home i found out many things about my moms past. She dropped out of High School at 15 because she ran away from home and lived on her own due to chaos at home. She never finished college either, because my mom and dad agreed that one parent would stay home and watch the kids while the other went to college, and when my dad had to go back after his career he graduated from had no open positions, my mom blamed him for everything that went wrong in her life. Once in a while someone goes on our property and slashes the car tires, breaks a window, cuts the breaks of my moms car, she blames my dad. Meanwhile my dad pays the mortgage of the house my mom lives in and works himself to death everyday. My mom doesn't want to admit she is wrong though, she lives in the past. My sister has been sent to a mental hospital, put on medication, my brother and sister have been to the er many times. My brother got hit by a car twice and is alive today, our house caught on fire in one room and we had to live in a hotel for months because of the fumes. There is just so much i can say... I found my biologically father last year, he acts like he loves me but he doesn't try to be involved with my life. I found out he is not a good father with his other children either... He's a cheater, a heartful but sexually addicted man... He makes me feel valueless at times, all talk but nothing happens. It would be too much to write, my encounters with the police, CPS, therapists, counselors...
At one point, even now, i found someone who loves me, thats all ive ever wanted, but i can't see him because my mom controls my life...... I want to break free so bad... But im powerless, and i stay silent, what can i do?


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New Comment

By anonymous at 19,May,12 09:20

Get stoned, drop out of society. Things could not get any worse than it is now. Don't forget the hash too.

By anonymous at 02,Jul,12 20:27

Get a big fat dick inside you

By Monika at 10,Dec,15 16:40

My heart hurts for you Zoe. I can only say that you are an energetic, fun and lonvig person (even though we have never met in "real" life) but I enjoy reading your blog adventures and tweets. Your parents must have been amazing people since you are a representation of them and they now live on through you. I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for you. May God restore joy in your life and help you through this hard time.

New Comment