I'm trying to find a job. I have anxiety and I really am trying hard to get over that. But I'm afraid and my stomach hurts so much after every interview. And I need the money for college. PS I'm not from America. I feel lonely, I have friends, but none of them really get me...my being...the passion I have for life..the emotions..everything. Shit happens but you get over it. So as the time goes by, you are left with yourself to rely upon, on everything. So I sit inside and read books, watch studio ghibli movies, read more books. When the weather is nice I sometimes go out by myself. I have friends, well, 3 friends and the rest are acquaintances. One "friend" is an asshole and abusive. The other is full of drama. The third one is good, but still doesn't get me. I know others don't have even one and would wish what I have, I'm just not contempt with this. Should I accept these dysfunctional relationships or should I say I want something better? When something bad happens to me I get over it. And then..I'm left with nothing. All those feelings, you know, those meaningful things, things so important you could die for them. I don't think they exist. It's just imagination. That doesn't even bother me. Before I had hope. And no, this isn't something out of the blue, I've been feeling like this for a looong time. But what can I do? Except complain? Can I change this? I've met new people, everybody I've met is superficial. So I'm alone inside again, I'll just go and read...There are always worse things, I know that. I've experienced them but there is always worse then the lowest point in your life. Trust me. I'm kinda losing hope.. I won't go into details about my life. It doesn't even matter.
I think moving to America will be a good new start. But I have to work pretty damn hard for that. So baby steps. I think it's like a new hope, something I want to fight for. And WHEN I achieve it maybe things will be different. At least there are some lonely people here, so it's less lonely...Thank you internet so freaking much!