I am 28. I live with my parents. I have a decent job, but it's also a dead end. I have no savings. The money I do earn goes to paying down debts. I have had no visitors to my home for more than five years. I have no friends. I am not yet 30, and I am a shut-in.
I am smart and capable and I have no interest in accomplishing anything in my life. There is no one left to impress, there is only the lingering dread of knowing that I will wake up and continue to disappoint those around me, or myself.
The worst thing is carrying around with me the knowledge that there is no great contest to win, even though that is what seems to motivate most people.
In my work I have had the chance to meet leaders, people of great influence and wealth. They brag without bragging. They say all the right, terrible things. Their success represents the failure of millions of people just like them. They are fucking cannibals, and they are treated like kings.
A part of me wants to die. The other part of me is too afraid.
So I work hard. I do my best, in the vain hope that someone else will care. But I know that won't happen, because they're like me. They're lost and confused and selfish, and there's no breaking the spell.
People try to cheer me up. They say things like, "There are people who kill to have the opportunities you have."
My answer is that is probably true, and that is totally fucked up.
Sex does not interest me, which makes interacting with women another hopelessly dull and anxiety-provoking feature of my daily life.
The thought of having a child, a daughter, a son, was something I used to imagine when I was younger. And it is like going to a funeral, to think about how this family that I once saw so clearly will never come to life.
And so here I am, typing on my computer, watching the clock, waiting for the moment when I am estranged from everyone-- when my parents have gone --so that my suicide will not be taken as an affront to them.
If I believed in God, I would apologize for writing this. But that hopeful dream has been lost like the others.
I have tried to be good and to be honest, but I am starving to death, from lack of life.