LIFE SUCKS

Perfection Gone Awray

HelloTears of Pain my name is Jelani. To start off I am a male African-American, 6'1 with black/brown hair and brown eyes. I am tall, handsome to most women and athletic. I get along with people I reach out to. And even some strangers. It is quite easy to put a smile on my face, except when I am in a rut. I am in a upper middle-class family. I don't like my close family very much. I have those emotional bonds through birth where I would protect them at any cost but besides that I can't stand their presence. I am quite empathetic, kind, love able, sweet, and charismatic. And even a little bit girly. What I am typing tis story for is that I have a problem. A problem with my head. I have extremely low self-esteem because the voices in my head say I'm worthless. I believe the internal voice is a manifestation of my conscious. I often fantasize about social situations involving what few friends I have or I make up new ones. I am quite lonely on the inside. Feeling no love. Often apathetic. In the few schools I have been in I have been picked on and abused and molested. I often cry myself to sleep at night even for months at a time. I don't know how to handle new people because my personality has been developed around the people I know. As I stated before I am charismatic. People love me for being in the room. But why is it that my ears burn like there is someone constantly screaming in them, I get less and less sleep every night, and contemplate what it would be like to die? I don't know if this is a teenage phase. I was sweet when I was a young lad. But now I am so very sour. No one knows of the hateful, angry being brewing inside of me. Please help me before it's too late.
P.S.- I am in love with Molly. She has been taken. But I loved her first and I shall love her last. No matter where the winds blows.