I am not sure why I hate my life and people. Everyone tells me how blessed I am. I guess Im just sick of hearing it. My brother molested me when I was younger, there friends did as well. I am not even sure they know have they screwed up my life.
My mother always seemed preoccupied with stuff rather than her family and my dad worked all the time. I have always felt alone and not wanted.
Now that I m older, I met a man and got married, I had twins with him and I hate my kids. I wish they were never born. I think of killing myself all the time. I am so depressed that i just lock them in their room and never leave the house. I can't stand for my husband to touch me, I don't know how it will ever get better.
I want to adopt out the kids so I don't ruin their lives, but my husband says no. Of course he gets to go to work all day and does not have to listen to two 2 year olds scream all day. I mean scream, there has not been 1 day that they have ever not been screaming. They take turns, they fight, I can't go anywhere cause all they do is scream in the car. I think about driving off a cliff or going head first into a simi, but I am scared that I won't die, ill just get maimed.
Every time I leave the house and return I hope to come back and find that I have just had a nightmare and it is just me and my husband and my successful business. I think about getting a job but when I have checked around I would actually be paying out money every week, rather than earn any. Between daycare $150 a week, gas, and maintenance on a vehicle I can't afford to get a job.
I wish for someone to shot me in the back of the head while I am sleeping, I just want life to be over for me. I know it would be best.
I think about killing you. Yes you. Everyone reading this. I hate people. I think about doing to people the awful things that you see on TV. I haven't, but the urge is there. I feel I am so close to a breaking point that it scares me. I live in a daze, not knowing what I am doing or sometimes what I just did. I find myself in a room in my house and I don't even know how I got there.
My husband took the demon spawn out for a while and the silence is so wonderful. Only the faint hum of the frig. I'd like to become homeless so I don't have to be responsible for anything or anyone. Don't get me wrong I have money, I wouldn't be happier with more money, I just need to be kid free. I made a mistake in getting pregnant and having these things.
Everyday is worse than the day before. I no longer believe in God. Make the voices stop! :-0