This is my first time on here, so i'm not sure what i'm doing. I just need to vent and understand if no one reads, as it is long....
I am a 23 year old female that has been struggling with anxiety and depression since a young age. My childhood was rough, parents separated at the age of 6. My dad and I weren't very close but he was the stable parent. My mother got addicted to meth shortly after my parents divorced. The time I would spend with my mom was always so hectic. She would move from place to place, all of which were dirty and never had food. She always had several men from local gangs staying with us as she was always in trouble with someone. I remember having one bed in the house and having to curl up with random men at night. She had been robbed several times, and by the age of 10 I have had a gun in my face on more then one occasion. She met a guy that seemed nice, but we found him overdosed on heroin. She left for a couple years shortly after my 13th birthday. I thought she had died. She later came back and asked for me to support her in treatment. Which I did.
She did good for a few years. At the age of 19 I became pregnant with my son. I wasn't prepared but I was very much in love with his father (who i had dated for 4 years). I had my son and shortly after my sons dad had revealed he has slept with a large portion of my girlfriends, soon after I left him. I was living with him and his grandma, as we were her caregiver. Me and my son at that point had to find a new place to live. I moved in with my mom, in a small place, but it was temporary. During that time her boyfriend (who I had looked at in sort of a father figure) started making odd approaches at me, or trying to lay down with me at night. My mom would laugh it off. I got a place and moved out, but still felt uncomfortable being around her when he was around.
Mom dissappeared again, found out she was in jail for meth. Guess she got back into it and somehow this time I didn't notice. I visited her every chance I could and made it to all of her court appearances. She was in for several months but got released upon agreement to move into a inpatient treatment center that was in a different city.
During that time I was here, and her "boyfriend" continued to harass me. I was and am terrified of him. He is a large man, and I had seen him do some physically brutal things to a lot of people. I would define him as pure evil. He started leaving notes on my door, and sending text messages saying that he had been in love with me the entire time and that he couldn't help his feelings. He would get drunk and get forward and abrasive. He would tell me about certain outfits I wore on certain occasions when I was getting ready to get out and how they looked on me, what he liked. I always made it clear to him in my responses that I was disgusted by that, or I would ignore but it just wouldn't stop. Finally had to change my phone number.
For months I sat up at night waiting for him to walk in that door. I was so angry and ready to unleash all the hurt but I knew that it was no match for me. I moved in with my dad and confessed all to my mom. She was hurt and I tend to find myself feeling guilty for everything that has happened.
Now I live with my dad again, am going to school online because I have trouble leaving the house, and have a huge desire to live alone but I don't know if I am emotionally capable. I am trying so hard to get out of this town and I know I can do it but today I am just feeling low. Needed to vent, but feel a little better now. Thanks for anyone who read this.