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I'm just sick of life

Posted by FUCKED at May 26, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 May

I had a pretty normal childhood. Lots of friends, but never felt I quite fit in. Girls liked me, but when I started to look different around 14, I would get teased sometimes and hardly ever dated in high school. I'd say I'm probably better than average looking, but when I look at myself in the mirror sometimes I want to puke. When to college and dropped out a year before I was supposed to graduate. I was a total pot head for years & had a bad acid trip that fucked me up for a while. I started getting my shit together and by the time I was 25 I was a buyer for a real cool company and had a nice place of my own. My world changed when I was 26 and was diagnosed with OCD & depression. The OCD makes me feel crazy. It got so bad that I tried to off myself when I was 28. I couldn't figure another way out. By the time I was 30 I was doing well again getting treatment, making decent money, living alone in a nice city, getting laid, but unable to maintain any relationships. I was always a loving, caring person, but the OCD makes you doubt everything from some of the sick thoughts you get. It's like you have to be reprogrammed to walk or something. My biggest fear is that I do something that may put somebody at risk inadventantly. I feel like I'm responsible for people to a level where it's just crazy. Anyway, I lost my job by the time I was 38 and went off my meds...a really bad combination. Back on the meds but broke at 40 and had to move bad to my hometown and my parents house. I haven't lived there since I was 19. I feel like a total fucking loser. I don't want to go outside because I'm afraid I'll see somebody I know and have to explain. My parents are good people and very supportive, but they get on my nerves at times, I do them I'm sure. They are now retired and I feel like the biggest shit being such a burden to them. I never thought I would consider suicide again because I don't want to cause them pain, but I also can't live my life for them. I also haven't gotten laid in god knows how long. I'm now starting to lose my hair and get back hair. Being back down here has just destroyed me in every imaginable way and my OCD & depression is just awful. My social life is at a zero and I don't talk to anybody. I can't think of anything that gives me joy in life anymore. I am so full of self-loathing, embarrassment, guilt and just emotional pain. I can't see how things are going to get better. Just thought I'd share my happy story. I hope things turn around for everyone for the better.


Votes:


New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 26,May,12 02:52

Grow up already u huge pussy!
By anonymous at 27,May,12 20:55

Op don't pay attention to idiots like this. They are not worth your trouble.


By anonymous at 26,May,12 03:16

Atleast you got laid...many on this site have not ans some of them fall in your age group.


By anonymous at 26,May,12 04:39

grow up
By anonymous at 27,May,12 20:56

idiot


By anonymous at 26,May,12 06:16

Mental illness sucks. People who haven't experienced it can't really understand unless they are inside that person's head. I hope they never have to.


By anonymous at 26,May,12 06:32

i hear you bro. Hang in there.


By anonymous at 26,May,12 06:38

You are ill. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Get all the help you can.
And good luck.
By anonymous at 26,May,12 08:01

Thanks. I'm trying. Lots of obstacles when it comes to insurance and other things. I don't have the support system I once had in the city. I've been fighting this stuff for 17 years. It's really difficult..but thanks for the kind words.


By anonymous at 26,May,12 06:45

I don't know what to say. It could be far worse.


By Superfly at 26,May,12 11:47

Start off with a hooker. She will do wonders for you.


By anonymous at 26,May,12 22:17

im still young but this sounds like me in a way, i feel like shit all the time. i hate my self to the point where i feel like everything that has ever happened is my fault, the say no one truly dies they just change, much like energy, im caring im nice, but it feels like im putting on a show but than still i come out as a sad person who is going to be alone forever. ive told one person how i am, truly. she got scared never talked to me again, so every day its like in putting makeup so hide what is under it, i feel like shit because im alone inside, im alone inside because i hate myself. i truly hope it dose get better, i hope you find something i cant, but what am i, just some sad guy on the internet, they say one person can change the world, i just want one person to change my mind.
By anonymous at 27,May,12 00:25

You may want to try a therapist if you aren't already. It might really help.
By anonymous at 27,May,12 11:00

Therapy did not help me hate my father less


By anonymous at 27,May,12 02:09

Keep it up bro.


By anonymous at 27,May,12 10:26

It's a good thing that you recognize your issues. Don't let any naysayers get you down. Just focus on picking up the pieces one day at a time and don't feel like a failure. As long as you still have breath in your body, you have the ability to make a change. I agree with not living your life for anyone else, but please just try to continue living for yourself.


By anonymous at 27,May,12 19:11

Go fuck yourself....
By anonymous at 27,May,12 20:56

idiot


By anonymous at 27,May,12 20:52

I don't know what good advice to give you, so I'll just say hang in there and stay strong. Things will turn around some day. I'm cheering for you (applause).


By smashing top seo at 26,Oct,13 06:19

dM5rdh Very good article post.Really thank you! Will read on...


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By matzcrorkz at 03,Aug,14 23:28

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By crorkz matz at 05,Aug,14 01:04

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By crorkz at 05,Aug,14 22:10

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