I had a pretty normal childhood. Lots of friends, but never felt I quite fit in. Girls liked me, but when I started to look different around 14, I would get teased sometimes and hardly ever dated in high school. I'd say I'm probably better than average looking, but when I look at myself in the mirror sometimes I want to puke. When to college and dropped out a year before I was supposed to graduate. I was a total pot head for years & had a bad acid trip that fucked me up for a while. I started getting my shit together and by the time I was 25 I was a buyer for a real cool company and had a nice place of my own. My world changed when I was 26 and was diagnosed with OCD & depression. The OCD makes me feel crazy. It got so bad that I tried to off myself when I was 28. I couldn't figure another way out. By the time I was 30 I was doing well again getting treatment, making decent money, living alone in a nice city, getting laid, but unable to maintain any relationships. I was always a loving, caring person, but the OCD makes you doubt everything from some of the sick thoughts you get. It's like you have to be reprogrammed to walk or something. My biggest fear is that I do something that may put somebody at risk inadventantly. I feel like I'm responsible for people to a level where it's just crazy. Anyway, I lost my job by the time I was 38 and went off my meds...a really bad combination. Back on the meds but broke at 40 and had to move bad to my hometown and my parents house. I haven't lived there since I was 19. I feel like a total fucking loser. I don't want to go outside because I'm afraid I'll see somebody I know and have to explain. My parents are good people and very supportive, but they get on my nerves at times, I do them I'm sure. They are now retired and I feel like the biggest shit being such a burden to them. I never thought I would consider suicide again because I don't want to cause them pain, but I also can't live my life for them. I also haven't gotten laid in god knows how long. I'm now starting to lose my hair and get back hair. Being back down here has just destroyed me in every imaginable way and my OCD & depression is just awful. My social life is at a zero and I don't talk to anybody. I can't think of anything that gives me joy in life anymore. I am so full of self-loathing, embarrassment, guilt and just emotional pain. I can't see how things are going to get better. Just thought I'd share my happy story. I hope things turn around for everyone for the better. | |
And good luck.
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