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No way out

Posted by anonymous at May 26, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 May  Meaninglessness

I'm 30 years old and been depressed for a long time now, I have no friends, they all drifted away a long time ago. I live with my girlfriend of three years and our two year old son. Every morning I wake up and its the same routine as the day before. I do all the house work,dishes,laundry,vacuuming etc. I no longer ask for help because that just causes a fight. I wish I had more energy to play with my son but we just stick him with his ipad so he's out of our way and he plays it all day and that makes me sad. I work nights 3 days a week which is not enough. I wake up late so my days are that much shorter. My gf has a calling job from home and is beginning to despise me because I'm so negative. I agree that I am...what's there to be happy about? I do all the house work, all the driving and get nagged by her daily for not having a better job. She is somewhat of a big spender and goes to the bar on a regular basis while I sit at home babysitting our son. She loves attention from other men and I had many guys texting her asking if they are still running away together or asking if her boring bf is gone, and at one point she even brought a guy home when I was at work, a guy she told me she knew from high school but later confessed she met him for the first time at the bar and he was coming on to her. Not only was I mad that she did that but I was furious that she would put our son in danger. Despite all this I do know she never cheated on me but she says she does this because I don't give her attention, and I agree I dont because I feel betrayed and not appreciated. Lately I have nothing but angry thoughts going through my head and I smoke a lot more these days, the anger inside me makes my head spin and and I feel hot like my blood is boiling. It makes me sad to see other couples work together as a team and then I look at us. We have lost a lot of money to people we called friends...a big chunk of that was my fault and I can't forgive myself for it, now I try to save more money because I feel like that will make up for it but it never does, even in my dreams I can't escape my depression and my fears, and its the worst in the mornings because for that split second my head is clear and then it all sinks in, it makes it really hard to get out of bed. I know nobody cares about except for 4, maybe 5 people. I hate myself every day and I hate looking at myself in the mirror...it makes me sick to my stomach...I just feel hollow inside. I love my son and GF more then life but this empty, hollow, scared feeling inside me takes up all my energy and emotions. Right now my idea of heaven is to live on a deserted island with no other human in sight, away from everyone and everything...even my video games that I use to escape reality. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my story, I needed to vent here cause nobody ever listens...they just cut me off and talk about themselves....please feel free to leave comments, even if your intentions are to bash me, it will actually make me feel better knowing someone actually acknowledged my existence..


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By anonymous at 27,May,12 09:04

I thought having a girlfriend or a baby in ones life might solve the problem of depression, but it seems that it makes no difference. I thought if living for oneself does not worth it then maybe living for someone else like a son or a girlfriend will be worth it. if non of these things can make anyone forget his depression then I don't know what can.

Good luck finding your exit out of depression, I'll go and continue looking for mine.

Farewell


By anonymous at 27,May,12 10:22

I know that you love your GF and your son, but you have to get to the point where you love yourself more and put your own happiness first. Then and only then will you be able to truly give to someone else. I hate to say this, but your girlfriend doesn't sound like a good fit. If she is brining other men into your home and not appreciating what you do for her, then maybe it is time to move on. Regardless of how you are feeling, you do matter, not just because some random person is on this site encouraging you, but because you matter on your own. Please continue to save and work on getting yourself together for yourse;f and for your son. Everything else will fall into place. Good luck!


By anonymous at 27,May,12 20:45

I am always amazed about how many others also have depression. It sucks when the feelings get bad. Suicide bad. I feel you bro, believe me. Sorry to hear about your gf problems. Talking and discussing helps if you two can keep from pointing fingers at each other. Stay strong, hang in there, spend time with your family.


By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 06:42

If you find some Islands where you can live alone. Give me a call. I want to reserve one for myself.


By alice at 10,Jun,12 11:39

Sorry dude, but your girlfriend is a whore And a bitch. You're never going to be happy as long as you're with her. Get your son off that fucking ipad and spend real time with him. It's not his fault you're depressed and in a shitty relationship. Take him to the park and at least pretend like you're having fun. Stop playing video games.... GET UP. WASH YOUR FACE. BRUSH YOUR TEETH. PUT ON A CLEAN SHIRT. GET YOUR KID. GO FOR A WALK. It's easy. Just do it. Do it for him if you really love him. The girlfried sounds like a lost cause. She's a lying cheating bitch. But you have your son. Why are you ignoring him?


By anonymous at 29,Jul,12 01:32

Whether we spend our lives without a girlfriend or we have an unsatisfactory or lousy girlfriend we are going to suffer.


By anonymous at 01,Sep,12 21:15

And my final comment to all you dirtbags who harassed me is FUCK YOU ASSHOLES.


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