Lets start with the cliche: "My life fucking sucks!". I know many people have it much worse but i just want to put my situation out there.
I'm 22 years old right now and doing absolutely nothing with my life. Depression and social anxiety keep me from doing anything more than sitting on my ass all day. In fact, i wouldn't call it social anxiety, i would call it a social phobia. I have my diploma and a decent GPA but my depression keeps me from pursuing any career because i simply don't care. I lost my job at Quizno's about six months ago and my social phobia keeps me from even walking in to a store to apply for a job. It makes me avoid people or any situation where i may need to socialize. I feel like i come off as a weird, crazy looking person. It's not people i fear its the rejection and judgment and it drives me insane. Combine that with seeing no point in living and you've got a concoction for disaster.
I wish I knew exactly where my severe social phobia was rooted. To pinpoint the moments in my life that brought these feelings about would be enlightening, though I don't see how they would help me overcome the phobia itself. I'm already tired of typing this stupid thing. I don't know why I find it so god damn hard to be normal. I've heard people say “Just stick with it!”. I've heard them say “You need to just be yourself.”. The problem is, I find that every time I try to act “normal” it comes off as phony and pathetic. As for “sticking with it”, as they say a man can only take so much. After so many failures it seems utterly pointless to lift even a pinkie in effort anymore. Apathy and depression have completely annexed my mind and every single day seems to bring me further down into a cesspool of madness and despair.
My depression, it seems, is directly related to my social anxiety. I feel that I will never overcome it and I see no enjoyable life possible having to live this way. The phobia keeps me from getting a job, friends, a girlfriend. Because of these things I try to convince myself that I don't need any of these things. That I don't need anyone when in fact I am devastated by my loneliness. The way I view the world is very pessimistic and morbid. I don't trust any person or establishment and this makes me quite paranoid. Even those that I would consider “friends” aren't worthy of my trust. I look at life and the world and I feel that even If I were to somehow become extremely successful, life would still be empty.
I think about suicide at least once every half hour. If i had the means for a quick and painless death such as a gun or a fucking grenade, i would either be blown to bits or have a hole in my fucking head right now. At times like this i think that life is nothing but a waiting room for death. The happy and the rich just have better magazines.