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Yeah I hate my life...

Posted by anonymous at July 8, 2010
Tags: Attitude  2010 July

Lets start with the cliche: "My life fucking sucks!". I know many people have it much worse but i just want to put my situation out there.

I'm 22 years old right now and doing absolutely nothing with my life. Depression and social anxiety keep me from doing anything more than sitting on my ass all day. In fact, i wouldn't call it social anxiety, i would call it a social phobia. I have my diploma and a decent GPA but my depression keeps me from pursuing any career because i simply don't care. I lost my job at Quizno's about six months ago and my social phobia keeps me from even walking in to a store to apply for a job. It makes me avoid people or any situation where i may need to socialize. I feel like i come off as a weird, crazy looking person. It's not people i fear its the rejection and judgment and it drives me insane. Combine that with seeing no point in living and you've got a concoction for disaster.

I wish I knew exactly where my severe social phobia was rooted. To pinpoint the moments in my life that brought these feelings about would be enlightening, though I don't see how they would help me overcome the phobia itself. I'm already tired of typing this stupid thing. I don't know why I find it so god damn hard to be normal. I've heard people say “Just stick with it!”. I've heard them say “You need to just be yourself.”. The problem is, I find that every time I try to act “normal” it comes off as phony and pathetic. As for “sticking with it”, as they say a man can only take so much. After so many failures it seems utterly pointless to lift even a pinkie in effort anymore. Apathy and depression have completely annexed my mind and every single day seems to bring me further down into a cesspool of madness and despair.

My depression, it seems, is directly related to my social anxiety. I feel that I will never overcome it and I see no enjoyable life possible having to live this way. The phobia keeps me from getting a job, friends, a girlfriend. Because of these things I try to convince myself that I don't need any of these things. That I don't need anyone when in fact I am devastated by my loneliness. The way I view the world is very pessimistic and morbid. I don't trust any person or establishment and this makes me quite paranoid. Even those that I would consider “friends” aren't worthy of my trust. I look at life and the world and I feel that even If I were to somehow become extremely successful, life would still be empty.

I think about suicide at least once every half hour. If i had the means for a quick and painless death such as a gun or a fucking grenade, i would either be blown to bits or have a hole in my fucking head right now. At times like this i think that life is nothing but a waiting room for death. The happy and the rich just have better magazines.


Similar Entries:
Life sucks?! no shit :D June 1, 2010
my life is falling apart December 27, 2010
consequences April 24, 2012
untitled story November 13, 2011
Why I Hate my Fucking Life May 31, 2011

New Comment

By anonymous at 15,Jul,10 18:48

Im sorry mate,i hope you will feel better

By anonymous at 15,Jul,10 22:56

wow, i feel you compltely, this sounds exactly like me, except for the desire to kill myself often.

By anonymous at 16,Jul,10 01:47

Dude... Im feeling the same way.
I have no friends, I have no will, I wanna do nothing...
Maybe we'll get better.
I think 'bout suicide too... but I don't think I have the guts 2 rly kill myself...
Don't do it...
Try lookin 4 a shrink. I already have 1.
Im takin some meds
Some days I feel a little better.

By anonymous at 16,Jul,10 04:20

these shrinks..these psychologists... they get paid to tell you bullshit

its a business and they earn money through depressed people.. it a people are a great market

protip: they dont help

but yeah op, you have said what i always think...

its like our collective minds are thinking alike...

By anonymous at 16,Jul,10 14:31

damn bro, I feel exactly the same as you do, except I think about suicide much less frequently. 23 years old, never had a girlfriend, no friends, family is against me because they're idiots. I'm lonely. I don't enjoy life, nothing at all. Sitting in front of the computer 10 h a day, because I don't know what to do with myself. Nothing chanced since 10 years, I'm spending time exactly the same way as back then. Life sux big time, tho I hope one day I'll win some huge tourney in poker (im poker pro) and will be able to change my life drastically

By anonymous at 16,Jul,10 22:30

at least you did not sever your skin missile off with a miter saw like I did
By anonymous at 16,Jul,10 22:35

yeah? guess what? We all hate your life also, so go get a life, wow

By anonymous at 18,Jul,10 18:20


You're completely right in your feelings; I'm a 27 year old girl with the same phobias. I've been living on my savings for a year simply because I can't bring myself to apply for a job which I know I'm going to hate anyway. Can't stomach being a receptionist and having to put on the happy face, or working hard at a more "important" job that I know doesn't matter in the long run (I've got existentialist problems too).

But please don't kill yourself, for me. My best friend and ex boyfriend (we only broke up because he was gay) committed suicide 8 months ago. I had my social problems and depression even before he jumped off a bridge. You can imagine what it's been like for me in the 8 months since the only person who understood me decided to leave.

Two reasons not to kill yourself:
REASON ONE: because it will hurt people in your life more than you know (even if you don't think anyone cares) It will clench at their hearts for the rest of their lives. It hurts me, so terribly. Please don't spread this hurt.


By anonymous at 18,Jul,10 23:51

fuck yeah lol get a pussycat, no but seriously cats are cool like felix or garfield.
By anonymous at 19,Jul,10 00:53

I love Garfield!!!!

By anonymous at 20,Jul,10 08:33

i hope you'll feel better. i'm trying to set things right for myself too because like you, i'm unhappy, jobless, have no social life, hate dealing with people, and not really excited about what i'm supposed to do next. life sucks. but other people are having it worse than we do... just don't give up k?

By anonymous at 27,Jul,10 16:50

I can relate heavily to your situation, and hopefully I can help. I am not going to put too much information into this post because I am paranoid that someone I might know might see it. Throughout highschool I had literally two friends. I did nothing at all. I went to school, came home, and studied. So what happened to me? I began to turn into an introvert, I was DEATHLY afraid to meet new people, I began to create illusions that there was something wrong with me, I began to talk really fast because I couldn't stand my own voice and just wanted to get what ever I had to say over with.

So what did I start doing lol? I made a facebook and started lolstalking other peoples profiles. What I saw made me feel even worse. I saw fat, ugly, obnoxious people surrounded by friends and partying blablah blah. Well I am a male, 18 years old, I get stares from girls because I am pretty good looking, and I am lean. So I was just like, wtf am I doing with my life, heres these weird ass mother fuckers having fun and there I am 10x smarter and better than them in every way. My lack of confidence during those 4 years spiraled out of control because I began to believe the shit people gave me. But after looking at all these FB pictures something clicked in my head. Not only did I realize that I had nothing to lose at this point, but the people who might later reject me would be at their OWN loss. I don't need them at all, they need me. So thats what I did, I went out and started communicating with people at my school, I got a job, I started to even act a little bit cocky. People noticed, and everything changed literally over night.

You are better than 95% of the population because YOU had to go through severe depression, they didn't. As for applying for a job, you HAVE to do it. You will meet people, and some might befriend you, even if they don't your communication skills will improve and you won't feel like avoiding people anymore. Seriously, what is the worst that can happen, you walk into a place to ask for an application, are they going to pull out a gun and shoot you? Maybe stab you? Laugh in your face? Talk shit behind your back? Got news for you buddy, your being a paranoid skitzo. And btw, it happens to everyone, right now theres a lot of people that like me and a lot of people that don't. Oh freaking well, it was better than sitting on my ass all day. There are some really fucked up people at my job and I am sure you would blow them out of the water in terms of personality/looks and if they can get a job you can too.

And fyi, I also still have anxiety problems, and I hate meeting new people, but what I am starting to understand is that I hate being alone MORE than socializing and being around people. Hope this helped.
By anonymous at 30,Sep,10 00:38

Hi! I loved your post.It made me feel so much better.

By anonymous at 08,Aug,10 04:36

Yeah, you sound like the male version of me except I have a shitty GPA and have never had a real job. So not only have I been rejected by my family and peers my entire life, I get to be rejected by potential employers, too. I don't like people because they don't like me and people don't like me because I don't like people. Paradox?! Sounds like you just need pills and a shrink. But how do your reach them with a social phobia? Damn catch-22's.

By anonymous at 16,Oct,10 23:28

i think you seem normal for what it's worth but odds are being alive is better than dead so go with the odds.

I think people throw around paranoia way too much as an excuse to blame. You may not be paranoid at all. I'm 36 and learned that as I used to think to myself "ok maybe I'm paranoid" but no not really, as it turns out a lot of people are just freak'n weird, presumptive, stink-eyed, cluelessly rude, i dunno I think that decent and reasonable and civilized social norms of behavious of the past were good but they disappeared sometyme between 1988-1996, I'm not too sure. Essentially it turns things around and makes the otherwise cool, decent, bloke into a misfit but that's just the projection from nerds gone wild.

They key to survival is to recognize, realize 90% of "it" isn't you, it's freak'n "them". i don't mean in a conspiracy way just f'ed up people not being everything but proper, being selfish, and destructive, petty, contrived, and pathetic. The key is also to find a like-minded, normal friend like yourself.

By at 24,Dec,10 09:37

Same here, exept I have some friends who never sticked up with me and never even met me, They're all -myself-, Yea I create illusions of myself on facebook to make other people believe that I have a life while I don't
Exept that I have also a mum who doesn't give a shit about what i do, and would be so happy if i just gtfo, and a dad who stays the whole day with his friends and his job collegues, and a big bro who hates me cause he thinks my dad loves me more than he does for him, (and this never was true since he loves our sister more than anything on earth), and a sister that I see once in a year and that I know nothing about her, only that she's married and ofc having a lot of fun.
See ? At least u've got home people by ur side, I've got none, so why don't shut up about it cuz, if u wanna suicide cuz u had no friends or cuz u've been rejected by some creepy fat whores, I "DECIDED" to suicide this monday cause I have no1 who cares about my ass and I even the "Imaginary" life i created crumbled since everyone I had in facebook discovered who all those people were (MYSELF) and they all ended up deleting me for been a copycat or whatever they call it, and my familly would love it when i fuck off, oh not to mention girls in my university never looked at me since i'm a fat bitch with a fugly face, Oh and I know even if I turn gay, no gay male out there would love me cause i fuckin suck, and my life fucking sucks, I have no confidence in my ass, Sometimes I just tell myself that I ain't worth it, and when my classmates make fun of me it's just like more suffering and I don't wanna go through this anymore, I know I don't have the guts to kill myself like Shootin my ass off or jump from a cliff, which why I'll take deadly pills, See you guys i hope u all get better sooner

By anonymous at 29,Jan,11 17:10

22 in a similar situation. got straight As (doesn't mean shit) in school but never had a real job. have a diploma but no zest for life... and i mean none. not into books, music, or movies any more. i don't want a job, friends (can't relate to anyone anyway), or a boyfriend.... i feel so useless, my existence so pointless. i just want to find someone who wants to commit suicide with me................

By anonymous at 10,May,12 19:16

Ihe the shit on tv today an the way they say u should look an be our society sucks today an it will only get worse so thank the shitty ass society for making u like that that shit is pumped in our heads every day by tv. billboards. news paper magazines an the list goes on. sorry to see you left it get to you like that i use to be like u but now I'm apathy all the way. freedom from all feelings is awesome freedom in anything is good.

By anonymous at 09,Aug,12 13:50

Well here's my story. Since I could remember life was strange. I had things like new clothes, family, and parents. But they didn't get along well. I remember times my dad going to jail because he beat my mom. They got divorced when I was eight. Thugs went from bad to terrible. When my dad left we got really poor. Slowly but drastically. He always paid his child support but my mom got lazy or something and decided we could live off of the child support only. With 4 brothers and sisters in the house the money wasn't enough. But that didn't stop my mom from deciding to party every weekend and leave us home alone to fend for ourselves. I remember at around 14 years of age we had utilities cut off. No gas, electricity, or running water. And my mom didn't give a shit. I wore the same shirt and pants to school every day. Even if they wreaked so bad. I didn't have haircuts or nice shoes. I looked like a dying child trying to look decent. She still bought herself new clothes and shoes and make up and things to make herself rolled up and pretty for her weekend and sometimes weeks of partying. While her kids were at home dying of hunger and water. At 14 years old we stole water and food. It was do or die. Literally. We strived and struggled and died to live. She was gone for weeks! Things never got better. But you know what? I'm proud of what I survived through. I'm strong, I'm alive and I still have that mentality that I adapted to... Never give up. I was a thief, a person who felt like alladin. Now I'm married with a child and I have a good job. Sure the military isn't the best decision for everybody but at least I'm providing for my family and myself. I live a whole lot better than I did back then. And I'm proud of that. I promised to never let my family go through what I did. I contemplated suicide back then. But I'm glad I didn't do it because things change in this world as long as you let them. It's hard and scary but worth it. Trust me.

By anonymous at 17,Oct,12 19:29

Hi. Like you I suffer from severe social anxiety. I've never been able to have a romantic relationship, I have few friends with whom I am becoming detatched from. I am 17 and I've been this way as long as I can remember. I struggle to do well in school because of my constant fear of rejection. I am an intelligent person but few people know. I'm terrified of going out to get a job and an interview scares the shit out of me. I often feel like people think I'm weird and or stupid. I go to school and people sometimes confront me hoping to get me to talk. Im incapable of doing so. I too get depressed fairly often and wish it would end. I just want you to know your not alone. Therapy is supposedly very helpful and if you can find help you'll be better off than I am. You can have a normal life and successful relationships. The only thing stopping you is YOU.

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