LIFE SUCKS

U think yr lifes fucked....

At the start of the year I lost my nephews. I've lost my father, my brother, my grandfather. I've lost shitloads of people and been left here with a mother whose told lies about me and a lying sister whose faked a pregnancy. Thats only the beginning. I don't know why I am even bothering to write this and hope that maybe this mite give me some peace of mind or something cos all I feel like is a ticking time bomb.

I've had good times and I've had bad times. Its my past i find hard to deal with. The fact that my mother has lied about me. When my brother died, I was only young and I lost it. Most of that year was a drugged and drunken haze to me. We held his unveiling on what would have been his 21st. My grandfather died that same day. A few months down the track, I was having a big argument with my aunty and she told me how disgusted she was with me, how could i disrespect my mother so much. I had no fucking idea what she was on about and said so. It was then that I learnt that my mother had told my family that I had tried to "step" her out at my own brothers unveiling. That in a drunken state, I tried to attack her. I wish now that i had done that. The argument was stopped right then and there, I was in such shock that because all i could think was that the wrong kid had died. My mother must really wish it was me n not her precious son because how could a mother tell such a huge lie??

Eventually life went on. My sister fell pregnant to our 1st cousin and the shit that my family went through was totally fucked up. My parents nearly parted, our whole family was ashamed and why the fuck not?? Every1 found out but the damage had been done. My sister and my cousin lived as a couple until he got locked up and she moved back home. I'm pretty old school with old school morals. While my cousin was locked up my sister started playing the ho. I flipped. All the shit we went through for her, ALL FOR FUCKING NOTHING. She used to be such a nice person. She was younger than me but i looked up to her!! Now she's exactly the kind of person i cannot stand.
After our father died, she ripped off our mother. My mother came for a holiday to see me and she gave my mums v8 to her drunken boyfriend and lied about it, stole 3 grand out of her credit card but all good as far as my mother is concerned. I tried hard to have a relationship with my mother, have told her to her face what she has done. Her 'memories' are so very different from mine. She wants to maintain a realtionship with me, especially after my nephews died and i have tried. My sister has caused so much shit, it would probably be a novel if i sat here. My sister has faked a pregnancy, to the stage of actually going to the hospital!!! I got the ph call while living overseas and as soon as i found out, i bought a ticket home. I rung to tell my mother to pick me up from the airport and she told me not to come. When i asked why, she said because baby isn't a baby. I asked her what the fuck did that mean and she said that the baby was a blob, it wasn't an actual baby. I was in the middle of househunting (with 5 kids) and used my bond money to fly back for my sisters 'baby'. Yet again, our whole family found out. The whole fucking world actually.
My father had died by this stage and I believe that if he was still alive, probably none of this shit would have happened. My mother has allowed my sister to get away with all this shit, that there was something not quite right at that time but that shes ok now. My mother had stopped talking to her grandson over bullshit my sister had started. At the start of the year, I told her to go see him, had a big fight with her and told her that you can't say sorry to a dead person, can't tell them u love them. My nephew was our light in all the fucked up darkness when my bro died and my mother spoilt him so badly we even argued about that and now i think half the reason she's trying to have a relationship with me is cos shes stewing in her guilt over not being there for her grandson. I can't help but lay the blame on my sister for that too. My nephew argued with my mother over her and my mother was angry at him. Yet again tho, he was only still a child compared to his so called aunty.

I now know that no matter what i say or do for my mother that it'll never matter, that those ill feelings she had for me as a child have never really gone away and that my ill feelings for her have now increased 100 fold. Maybe I'm even angrier now because its only been a few months since i lost my nephews and i ache for them everyday, we were close. To have their lives ended just like that. You would think that i should be used to it, losing people. I have a big extended family and my immediate family is the only 1 to have suffered so much loss, I sometimes wonder if my family are cursed cos it sure as shit feels like it, that we are paying for some other cunts mistakes. That there aint a fucking god cos why would he make us suffer and hate so much.....

I told my mother today to leave me alone for good, that I am better off without them. Told my sister i would swap her for 1 of my family who have passed on any day. This is only a glimpse into a pretty fucked up history and I won't tell any1 i have written this, i did this for me.