I don't why I'm posting this, maybe i should get a diary. I have no friends. Live with mom, single female. Almost 40. Loser. Pathetic isn't it. People my age are married and have kids. Not still stuck at home. Life going no where. I get happy with little stuff, not big stuff, focused on the negative stuff, not too much positive stuff, don't want it to go in my head. It's like I can't be happy too long. Ok so this guy pissed me off today on my way to walmart. Coming out of a yeild, wasn't much traffic, thought i cleared all the cars. Merged into to the left lane, than i noticed a car along side me and it went in front, then the jerk says " I know you saw us, should have let you fucking hit us". That was it, didn't respond, he turned off to Target. Didn't make eye contact with him, felt scared. Angry, didn't really see him. If i did I won't have merged. Wouldnt' have nearly hit him. Just got a new SUV, don't really want an accident, too much crap that goes with it. But you know, people are so angry, what I'm angry about is that i didn't do anything. Let's say our cars did hit. Even if we went to court and it really wasn't my fault, i would think it's my fault. See that's my problem. Something happens, i make it bigger than what it is, i beat myself up, i call myself a loser. Lot of self hatred. I imagine myself shutting down, like being those people who never come out of their house. Afraid of the outdoors. Is it the outdoors that they're really afraid of or is it people. People get on my nerves, I don't like people too much. Maybe a few people. People hurt people, they don't care. No one cares anymore. This world is so immorral, people don't want to live. What's going on with us. People don't like who they are, they're not happy, hate there job, their life, their situation. I shouldn't be like this you know. I could think positive but people's attitude is negative. Everytime the economy is down, the moral goes down. People don't respect each other anymore, men cheat on their wives and don't care, women have kids and they don't love 'em. Life shouldn't suck, but to me it does. What is there to look forward to. I sound pathetic don't I. Well, one good thing came out the day so far, my hair is washed and blow dryed, I bought two curling irons, and I finally repotted my plant. But then I think I might have over watered it and didn't put the soil hight enough, course I did add plant food sticks to it. Ok, so I'm not going to water my plant until next Monday evening when I get home from work. You see, my life sucks. I should be writing about my "husband" or my "kids". Humidity reaked havic on my hair. Can't even curl it. But at least I can say that no matter what length my hair is, I have the curling iron for it. I have every size curling iron from 3/8 inch to 2 inch. Except a 7/8 inch which I would like that in gold not chrome. Chrome is not good for my hair. I like gold irons. You see my life sucks, this little thing about curling irons makes me happy, not something major like, I just had a baby and she said her first words. You know, stuff like that. Enough about me rambling. Tommorow is work and I'm not really looking forward to it. Not really looking forward to people's attitude and their arrogance. I'm just a drone, not really important. I think I am, but I'm not the head of anything, not a manager, just a secretay. I just want to know, is it possible to be totally happy? I know life has i's ups and downs, it's good days and bad, I'ts happy days and sad, but is "total happiness possible". Ok so if I do manage to get married and have kids before I get to old to do so, would I then be happy. You know I listen to Joyce Meyer in the mornings, and she said, it's not someone elses job to make you happy but yours and no one can steal your joy unless you allow them to. I can't let that "jerk" driver steal my joy. She also says that the devil always trys to attack you. So, it was God, who saved me from another near accident. The devil brought on the negative thoughts and maybe that situation or may be it was God telling me to be more careful, but I know God wouldn't beat me up and dwell on it to make more upset, that's the devil. You know we shouldn't hate our lives. God gave it to us and he can easily take it away. I need to go to church. Maybe I'm going through this "Life sucks" moment because I'm not close to God like I should. Maybe God want me close to him. I don't know if total happiness is possible, but I know I don't want my life to continue to "suck". I want to be part of the world. God put me here for a reason and I gotta figure out what. I guess I can think positive but when people get on your nerves, it's hard to stay positive. I'm rambling again. I just don't want to become a hermit. I guess I'm realizing my life doesn't have to suck unless I allow it to.