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One year.

Posted by untitled at May 29, 2012
Tags: 2012 May  Relationship

I am a 17 year old girl as of last week. Although my life story is short , it took its down fall last year on April 9th to be exact. It started with an ex and my inability to say no. You see I began talking to this boy when I was 13 or so. Not too long ago, but a few mindsets back without a doubt. I was convinced we were meant just as every girl my age felt with the typical bad boy. Problem was he had a child on the way. Not the usual problem of relationships. Having been allowed around during this time I felt a certain responsibility. A need to be apart of both his life and his child's. Was I naive for feeling this way? Yes... I was. I only learned that after it was too late. This guy could convince my ignorant mind and low self esteem to do just about anything. Send half naked pictures, check. Help him cheat on the mother of his child, check. Make me believe he loved me and I loved him, double check. The worst was only to come. After having the mother of his child find the pictures and put them on the Internet for an hour or two and taking him back I should've known where it would go at that moment. The next step of course would to lose my pride and dignity to him of course. Not the way I'd dreamt of it to happen either. I mean being asked and rejecting the idea several times until he took it. If you have not yet figured out what I am talking about, I do indeed mean my virginity. Did I stay with him after? Yes, only until I discovered his secrets. The drugs. The dealing. And most of all, him cheating. Things I should have expected. That moment is where I lost hope of everything I'd wanted to be. Of how I was raised to be. Respect my body, my mind and most of all keep a clean reputation. Nothing mattered. Only a month later I found myself in bed with a boy I couldn't care less about. I haven't spoken to him since. I picked up a new hobby of drinking any liquor placed Infront of me until I can't feel anything along with having a muscle relaxer or three when I just can't take things anymore. I have now slept with 5 guys in the last year. One may even be considered rape seeing to how I was drunk and have very little recollection of it and he was sober enough to know what he was doing. I couldn't do anything even if it was, it was my bosses son and I'd rather not lose the one stable thing in my life. My job. Another guy I'd been talking to for an incredibly long time only to discover I'd fallen in love with the idea of who he could've been, not at all with who he'd become. And last was a guy I'd dated a while back, just because I wanted to. Id chosen to leave the only healthy relationship I've ever had because I couldn't handle losing someone I cared about and now have to face telling him every mistake I've made in the last three months just hoping to have another chance. I have to hide this from my family and friends because I'm too ashamed of everything I've done. They think I've done nothing wrong and it kills me. I've contemplated suicide almost every night for so long because I'm afraid I'll mess up again. And I can't handle it if I do that. I've joked about seeing a therapist several times hoping they'll catch on, but they never do. I just don't know who I am anymore or who I can be. I feel like my future is limited although I know it truly isn't. I'm lost...


Votes:


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Comments:
By anonymous at 29,May,12 09:33

let me tell u the only person u would reali be hurtn is u. if u kill yourself.. & the people that has hurted u will keep living there life going around hurting other people after u are dead and gone... ive use to have the same thoughts but i love me more than that.. and think about how your family would feel.. i think you should focus on you more making u happy and staying positve... yes it may be hard at first but after so long it will pay off.. u shouldnt need a man to validate u... oh yeah and pray the lord hears u care fo u and he does love u... so dont let the devil make u feel like ur worthless.. ur like isnt as bad as u think but it can get worse if u dont change ur life for the better.. & that job dont leave it til u find another one but staying there would continue to remind u what ur boss son did to you... please listen if u keep allowin people to run over u ur only building self hate towards ur self.. i dont know u but i will say a prayer for u.


By broken at 29,May,12 18:49

In this case I'm sympathetic for the OP... She is/was young. I hope she can find a place in her life to deal with her mistakes and start making healthy decisions.

The good news is that she didn't say anything about getting pregnant or an STD.... If she hasn't she should go and get herself checked out.


By seen but not noticed at 30,May,12 01:04

yo! (i apologize for my sudden and kinda lame greeting, also dont get too upset with my comment or think too much of it. Im just a kid what the hell do i know :P) After reading your story the only thing that came to mind is why stay with someone that doesnt share the same feelings as you do for them(thats how i saw it while reading, but like i said before what the hell do i know). And the drug thing! That should of been your first guess that it wasnt going to continue well. Its pretty obvious to say that life sucks...alot. Well it does for me cause i basically make it that way. Anyway.... something that i think is a good idea is to be independent, that way you can set your own goals and accomplish them at your own pace without having people breath down your neck asking for their "needs" or their "wants". Fuck that i say you do what is best for yourself, not what is best for others. Well thats my incompetent thoughts. Hope it gives you some ideas. P.S. Just remember i dont know shit. P.S.S Good luck >:O!!!!


By anonymous at 30,May,12 19:22

BEWBS!!


By Nicolas at 30,May,12 20:51

Trust me your in a place many people have bin before the first thing you need to do is tell someone how your feeling that you trust faimly anyone who will listen in there lifetime they most likely have seen things like this at one time or another they are here to help you and will if you let them
Best wishs : Nicolas


By anonymous at 31,May,12 14:54

You are not alone. I went through something very similar to you. I lost my 'v' when I was 18 to a man older than me. I was drugged and lied too. I was heavy into drinking and into the drugs right after that because everytime I was sober, I would think about what happened. I was the same as you - never told anyone. I tried to hide it and not deal with it. After I lost my 'v', i continued to go back to him. he used me. He made me do things I would never normally do. ever. Rumors were going around and everyone was calling me a whore (even though he was the only one I slept with).
what changed me?? i was 'kind of' sober one night and I over heard my so called friends and that guy talking about me. laughing. saying horrible things and talking about that one night - how it was all planned.
I stopped everything i was doing right there. I said NO. Im not doing this. Im better than this. im going to have a better life and be a better than those people. what helped me is telling my family what happened. me being open and honest helped me heal and over come it. since that day, i went into nursing school, meet my husband. Im 32 now and Im still with my husband and we have 4 kids.

What gets me through each day - is knowing no matter what happens - what ever it is..good or bad.....the sun will always rise tomorrow. Stay strong, talk to your family, stop the bad habits and start living the life that you deserve. Its not your fault. STOP thinking about everyone else and start thinking about YOU because at the end of the day, its the only thing that matters.


By anonymous at 31,May,12 16:37

AA is like screaming your name right now. You going to keep on drinking until you need a new liver. I'm telling ya, organs is hard to come by now days.


By felicia at 02,Dec,12 04:04

Hi my name is Felicia, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Prophet Zanzibar has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost family to me with his great spell, i was married to this man called John we were together for a long time and we loved our self?s but when i was unable to give he a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can?t continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get he back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email, then you wont believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost husband back and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Zanzibar for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact he today on his mail zanzibartemple@gmail.com and he will also help you as well.


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