My brother once told me a story about "The law of diminishing return". Meaning that one can only do something so many times before it becomes old and redundant..Like If someone were to give you an icecream sandwich..over and over again..Eventually, you won't want anymore fucking icecream..It fascinates me..because, time and time again it has been proven true in my life..and it applies to everything..
I miss the days when I felt Happiness and security..but, the older I get, the more these things go away..the more I realize it's all childhood fantasy..
Life keeps going by so fast..and my head is filled with nothing but memories of when life sort of made sense..when things were simple and carefree..I'm only 29..about to turn 30 this year..but I feel old..drownded..because now it seems like the boring and even the darkest times of my past, turned out to be the brightest parts of my life so far..and I don't see how that's going to change...so i'm just supposed to accept it..as it slowly rips me apart inside.
These days I hate everything about myself..but then again I always have..It's hard to grow up that way..but I remember I used to ENJOY and look forward to things..Now it all just seems like a means to pass time..
I admit, I suck with people..I never know what to say..and I get the feeling they think i'm crazy because I look mad all the time..but not intentionally.
all I want is to feel like I belong to something..yet, somehow I can't help but to feel so alone and scared..because they'll go away one day..The ones who mattered to me the most have died or left..most that died were young like me..because of suicides..and I can't help but wonder..did I play a part?
So now, I am trying to date again..and make some new friends..but my confidence is shit..I want them to know I like them, but it seems all I do is make myself look stupid in the process..because i'm so nervous..I'm supposed to value my life and want to progress, yet I do not..I don't know why I don't try harder..I guess it's apathy. It's a fucking sickness..one that makes me question how long I want keep pretending..that it's all ok..when it is not.
It's not really that I want to die..it's just that I don't want to be here..all life seems to be about is how much you can endure..and I'm tired of it..Is it supposed to be this way?? Am I supposed to use my pain and hatred to help me progress in life? Experience seems to be the only reason I keep going but, I don't know for how long because, its just more of the same..only more painful, and the "good times" are less and less exciting.
I hope that by saying this I have made sense to someone..that it's not just me being a whiney bitch..