My brother once told me a story about "The law of diminishing return". Meaning that one can only do something so many times before it becomes old and redundant..Like If someone were to give you an icecream sandwich..over and over again..Eventually, you won't want anymore fucking icecream..It fascinates me..because, time and time again it has been proven true in my life..and it applies to everything..
I miss the days when I felt Happiness and security..but, the older I get, the more these things go away..the more I realize it's all childhood fantasy..
Life keeps going by so fast..and my head is filled with nothing but memories of when life sort of made sense..when things were simple and carefree..I'm only 29..about to turn 30 this year..but I feel old..drownded..because now it seems like the boring and even the darkest times of my past, turned out to be the brightest parts of my life so far..and I don't see how that's going to change...so i'm just supposed to accept it..as it slowly rips me apart inside.
These days I hate everything about myself..but then again I always have..It's hard to grow up that way..but I remember I used to ENJOY and look forward to things..Now it all just seems like a means to pass time..
I admit, I suck with people..I never know what to say..and I get the feeling they think i'm crazy because I look mad all the time..but not intentionally.
all I want is to feel like I belong to something..yet, somehow I can't help but to feel so alone and scared..because they'll go away one day..The ones who mattered to me the most have died or left..most that died were young like me..because of suicides..and I can't help but wonder..did I play a part?
So now, I am trying to date again..and make some new friends..but my confidence is shit..I want them to know I like them, but it seems all I do is make myself look stupid in the process..because i'm so nervous..I'm supposed to value my life and want to progress, yet I do not..I don't know why I don't try harder..I guess it's apathy. It's a fucking sickness..one that makes me question how long I want keep pretending..that it's all ok..when it is not.
It's not really that I want to die..it's just that I don't want to be here..all life seems to be about is how much you can endure..and I'm tired of it..Is it supposed to be this way?? Am I supposed to use my pain and hatred to help me progress in life? Experience seems to be the only reason I keep going but, I don't know for how long because, its just more of the same..only more painful, and the "good times" are less and less exciting.
I hope that by saying this I have made sense to someone..that it's not just me being a whiney bitch.. | |
Strangely i also glorify my past as you do, even though when truly think of my past it haven't been that great but still my brain tends to make it somewhat better than it really was. A strange phenomena.
Not much advise from here only that you're not alone in the way you feel there will always be others, many others, that feel the same way as you do. After all there is 6 billion people and i have studied mankind myself and found that we all are remarkably similar in our way of thinking and behaving. Don't fell nervous arround other people, they are mortal like you and differ not from you in mind nor problems.
best of luck
Don't bother of idiots they are just blindsided creatures which never experiences anything but their instinctive nature. They pick on other people because there own life is so hollow and meaningless that the only thing they find a tiny spectrum of hapinness in is making life suck for everyone else.
Still best of luck from here hope you believe me when i say that i am the real guy and not the phony retarded one.
Best wishes,
Nina
www.ThoughtsVent.com
That very notion of if we have something long enough, we enivitably get sick of it. So then what do we want? Often its something difficult or something we cant have. By chance of a miracle if we get it, soon after it becomes so what? Why do we bother it all? I wish i knew why as the years pass this becomes all the more obvious. Perhaps it is just the naivety of youth. Shit when i was younger i had it all worked out, what my future would hold. Now on the other hand, i just wish it would end. I dont want to try and put any ideas in your head though. You know yourself deep down how your going to play it out, if you don't, you soon will. Accepting it is the hard part. Best of luck, i hope you find those happy days once again.
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