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Unmedicated Confusion

Posted by anonymous at June 1, 2012
Tags: Attitude  Health  2012 June

Ok i know im only eighteen but that shouldnt determine the degree of suckinees of my life. im bipolar, anemic, depressed(near Suicidle) lonely and i have arthiritis. if thats not enough i have gravely sick mother and my dad passed almost 2 years ago. i just graduated hs with only a 2.0 and i dont have any idea what i wanna do w/my life. when i think of the beginning of my life i think of how my mom risked her life giving birth to me in the first place. doctors told her giving birth to me would cause her to get really sick. she was diagnosed with myasthenia gravis when i was born. i sort of feel like its my duty to take care of her forever. if i dont worry abt. her i feel so guilty. so it limits me to actually enjoy anything without b/c i'll feel bad abt. it later. my dad died so unexpectedly. just one morning i woke up and was told he was gone. he had a heart attack at his job. it sucks because i never fully mourned his death. i completly aviod thinking about him too much. the smell of anything that reminds me of him makes me nauses, and i want to puke. i was not that close to him and i regret it. i miss him so much and nothings the same. i go back in forth btwn hating everyone, even people i dont know, to just getting by for a moment. thats bipolar though. i cant figure out who or what i am. i feel soo evil sometimes and i figure it would've been better if i wasnt born. i punched my sister in the face a couple a weeks ago for no reason and i still feel so sorry. i cant understand me and niether can anyone else. im lonely because of it. i have no social life because im too weird. boys dont like me cause.... i gues im not attractive and i never saw myself as ugly b4. i've never had a boyfriend. whatever. i constantly feel physical and emotional pain. i sleep so irregularly. most nights only 3-4 hours of sleep and other days i can sleep the whole day away. when i wake my eyes are so red. during the day if its not a migrane its dizziness. im not of drinking age so theres not much to numb the pain but pills. this might be resorting to some addiction but i dnt care. i dont have the guts to kill myself i wish i did. im an acctive wrist cutter. i cant even get myself to stop. i love seeing the come out, if heres no blood its no good. afterwards i feel so down. its like a high, a MY only high. i hate the way the world is the way things are worsening. i feel hopeless. everone says im "too lax" but im really too ...too sad. i havent been self motivated to do anthing since i was 14. i feel like i cant do anything abt it . i just cant and i dont even know if i want to. i wish i was dead. i have anixieties abt. people. im a social phobic at times, i hardly trust anyone either. i dont even no where to start w/ my life. i feel like im just waiting to die. maybe i am, but its taking to long.everthing i say and do hurts the ones i love most. WHY? this wont be the saddest story you'll read but its mine. and no ones life is ever any better or worse than the next persons. someones life is always worse than yours and that sucks about life. we cant always change what we have. im confused abt. my life and the world but im hopless. not much i understand abt. life and how to make more of it for me, not when im feelin like this. it feels like no degree of medicine can help. there is no help. im.......unmedicatedly confused. (thanks for reading)


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New Comment

By anonymous at 01,Jun,12 22:54

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm bipolar too, and all the things you named in your story is actually how I feel all the time. I get those moods on me where I can't stand being around anyone and I get that don't give a fuck about the world attitude. Yes I find the world very...very jard to live in. People doesn't understand what people like us goes through because either they don't want to understand or they just doesn't care because it's not them. I don't blame you for thinking the world and people in it sucks because it does. You do the things you do and that's all the part of being bipolar, its not your fault, just want to be understood. People calls me weird all the time but who gives a fuck, and you shouldn't either. Overall... I would rather for you to get back on your meds if you were taking any because feeling like that can't be fun, it can get you in a world full of trouble or worse. Take care.
By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 02:03

thanks for your comment. it really is hard finding people to understand you at times of distress,thank you so much!

By anonymous at 02,Jun,12 18:46

Get wasted, have fun.

By anonymous at 02,Jun,12 19:26

I am sorry to hear that dear. Please believe me that you can live a much better life than this. Please just give yourself a break and try to look at the positive side of life. The world is extremely beautiful and you need to see how worthwhile it is to live in this world!

By anonymous at 03,Jun,12 09:57

hey thoughts vent.scammers

By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 02:12

Aww...someone got off their meds. Or they just a complete idiot that wants everyone's attention. Get off that high damn horse and get back on your meds you self medication pathetic bastard.
By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 13:02

Immature response. Get a life if you're not going to say something smart and productive and helpful. These people are genuinely suffering and it's cancers like you that make this world a shitty place.

By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 13:20

get married!!!!

By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 03:27

You are just a little bipolar bitch that needs medication. Go fuck everything you see as I heard that's what you bipolar bitches does. And when you come down off one of your highs, you feel like such a bastard and that's when your will for suicide kicks in. Do it, do it please, it will most likely turn me on.
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 15:31

Yh like that's gonna fuking helppppp
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 20:46

Now that was mean for the post up top, your comment isn't helping...

By Fuck you Mother at 06,Jun,12 00:13

Go get back on your meds asshole. People like you don't need to be walking around society scaring people, perhaps there's a mental hospital you should go.
By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 13:02

Immature response. Get a life if you're not going to say something smart and productive and helpful. These people are genuinely suffering and it's cancers like you that make this world a shitty place.

By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 01:54

First, you NEED to grieve your fathers death. You won't get past all the negative until you do that. Then re-evaluate your life and do something for someone who's less fortunate than you. Things will start to make sense.

By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 02:13

what is wrong with u people. saying mean crap like that isnt right. if ya dont have anything nice to say keep ur freaking mouths closed!

By anonymous at 09,Jun,12 00:18

I feel you. I'm 40, unmarried, no kids, and bipolar since forever. I'm arthritic, anemic, and can't walk well if at all. My parents are old and sick. Sometimes desperately unhappy, other times, happy with a few friends and a boyfriend and simple things like making pancakes and cuddling with my pets.

Find three things you love and always supply yourself with them. For me, that's dogs, movies, and coffee.

I can tell you this, it DOES get better. Whatever else you do, go to college and get a degree. I did, so it is possible to be completely crazy and graduate. Things WILL resolve and some time you WILL find a boyfriend (I swear) and have your own place, and a decent job.

Life will never be easy with bipolar, but remember that you won't always be on the depressed side. (Hypomania is kinda fun, too.)

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