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Fuck.

Posted by anonymous at June 1, 2012
Tags: Health  2012 June

I fucked myself again. The bipolar and social anxiety didn't help any, but I know that in the end my demise is my own fault. I am getting dropped from college, again. I have no job. I live with my mother in a shitty apartment. I have allowed myself to go from being fully independent to completely dependent and scared of my own shadow.

Three years ago I injured my back and every single fucking day I've had this dull ache, on other days it's an intense pain, radiating throughout my lower body. It's driving me insane! (Of course I tried physical therapy, for months, and no improvement.) I used to hike 4-8 miles, four days a week for work and a few miles on the weekend for funnsies. Now, I can't even walk around the block without either one of my legs feeling like its going to burn off. I've gained about 100 pounds in three years and I fucking hate myself for creating this mess of a body. It is my fault that I've gained weight, I know that, what with the emotional eating, avoiding exercise to avoid pain, and my general state of apathy. I fucked myself so hard.

Three years of slowly fucking myself into the ground. I know it's bad, I can feel it, but at the same time I still feel like I have yet to hit rock bottom. I used to "do drugs" and drink like a sailor, but moved on from that a year ago when I started my degree program at art school. (I don't know if I have a desire to go down that path again, the drugs and alcohol...too expensive and takes too much effort to establish new connections, haunts and what the fuck ever.) I loved going at first, to school, but never quite got comfortable. It's hard to create things when you don't even have the imagination to make daily life enjoyable. And not even that, I have absolutely no energy to create anything. I feel no creativity. I have nothing worth saying. Know what I mean?

What do I know? Nothing. I hate where I'm at. All of this loathing and desire for a change of direction and absolutely no motivation to do anything real about it. What the fuck is my problem? Is this the disease? Is this the big one (episode), again, the one that takes me down. The one that I gladly follow into the dark, shunning the light of hope to keep company with despair, forever...I don't think I want to die. Sometimes it sounds nice and I can almost let go and close my eyes in those moments and surrender to the abyss. I sometimes try to stop my own heart. I can't stop thinking. I can't control my thoughts, so chaotic and mindless. I don't know what to do. I know, I know, I know that five years from now, I will look at this situation and kick myself in the ass for not trying harder. Why am I not fighting?

I think I need to lose everything. I've lost all of my friends, except maybe one or two...maybe one. My family is starting to tire from my constant mood swings and defensiveness. "Don't fucking look at me like that." I am a monster. I'm so hateful. So full of hate. I've never used words to degrade entire groups of people. Who is this person that has started taking shifts for me, who has started shifting me?

My life is hell because I am apathetic. I'm lazy and I don't give enough to give a fuck. Maybe I do? No, I don't. I care what you think but I don't care about myself. I'm tired. I am so damn tired. Years like this, I've spent years like this. Like running a dryer on fluff air and expecting dry clothes.

I know. So fucking stupid. The only consolation I have is knowing that one day, this will all end. This is the key every door.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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life aint beautiful April 24, 2012
Complain October 2, 2011
FUCKING LONELY March 16, 2012
Hatred March 30, 2011



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Comments:
By anonymous at 02,Jun,12 02:57

Awe boo fucking hoo slut, no one gives a fuck. bipler and social anxiety,you're scared to talk to other people, fucking pussy, I hate you so much. Emotional eating? Fucking PUSSY fucking fat BITCH there are kids in Africa dying and you binge. Fuck you slut, burn yourself alive so no one will have to buy you a 30 feet wide fucking coffin, obese bitch, stealing our health care money. Just fucking end it you lazy piece of garbage, pull the fuckking trigger. I really want you to kill yourself, just fucking do it, don't be scared you stupudi slut.
By anonymous at 02,Jun,12 20:40

Awwww someone forgot to take their meds or maybe your mommy and daddy didn't give you any attention. Why come on a forum to make someone feel worse than they already do? What do you have to gain? No one likes you. Go away.
By anonymous at 03,Jun,12 11:02

shut the fuck up you fucking bitch who the fuck are to talk like that. i think i only person who should kill them self is you fuck pussy ass bitch.
By anonymous at 03,Jun,12 12:12

Yeah, because that made sense. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
By anonymous at 03,Jun,12 12:15 Fold Up

YOU COME ON HERE AND SPEW YOUR HATE TOWARDS SOMEONE ELSE'S MISFORTUNES, PROBLEMS, ETC AND THEN YOU ENCOURAGE THEM TO KILL THEMSELVES??? YOU ARE ONE SICK, TWISTED INDIVIDUAL. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND WHOEVER COMES ACROSS YOU. YOU'RE WASTED SPACE AND AIR.
By anonymous at 03,Jun,12 23:20 Fold Up

Just go die already
By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 13:18

HEHEHEHHE THIS IS JKESSSSS BLAD


By anonymous at 03,Jun,12 22:50

it's not so bad, i fuck myself all the time XD
By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 03:17

how do you do that?
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 00:12

sometimes with my left hand, sometimes with my right. but usually its when i speak because 99% of the time only stupid things come out of my mouth. i also fuck myself using my legs as they refuse to take me around people (potential associates,freinds, dates, employers, educators et cetera) they just keep me running in circles in the dead of night.


By anonymous at 03,Jun,12 23:27

Listen, it's not your fault. You're describing my life to a T a couple of years ago. Your intense feelings of guilt and self loathing over being 'lazy' or 'useless' demonstrate a level of concern or yearning to be useful which would indicate anything but laziness or uselessness.

You need to get outside help: psychiatrist for depression and bipolar, therapist, support groups, ANYTHING that will help. If money is a problem most places have clinics that are reasonable. Please, please for your sake follow up on this. You're a worthwhile person who has been dealt an unfortunate. Hand


By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 01:30

I just happened across this forum and out of curiosity decided to read a few posts as I am feeling a bit down. I am overwhelmed by the compassion and empathy given by so many individuals who are unafraid to admit to the world, mostly to themselves, that we as human beings are not perfect. The compassion in some of the words throughout this forum are a great reminder of the beauty of humanity. It is very comforting.

As for all of the hate spewing--I cringe at the words that some people have the audacity to post! Have you no soul? Do you honestly think it's cool or even OK to say such horrible things? Even with your anonymity, can you practice no restraint? Perhaps you are dealing with your own sickness and unwilling to admit to yourself that you feel so dangerously similarly to the postings that you so self-righteously bash without any consciousness? Probably not, you're probably right. I'm sad for any future spawn of yours and only hope that they may find a compassionate parent or role-model elsewhere. Maybe there is enough time for you to consider growing up and evolving. Maybe.

Anyway, the compassion has been overwhelming and I feel better knowing that I am in a better mental state than some of the crude haters on this site. Be well fellow human beings. Let's all be well so that we may help the snakes and lizzards of this world to evolve.
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 20:15

Totally agree with the above post. Spot on. I couldn't say it any better.


By charterhouse.myopenid.com at 04,Jun,12 02:21

Get up, go out, and do something for someone else. Think about others. Get your focus off of yourself. People often mistakenly believe that they will take action or their lives will improve once they *feel* better or motivated. The truth is that you have to start with action first. Taking action leads to motivation which leads to improvements. So, take a step in any constructive direction. Be grateful rather than empty. Your life could always be much, much worse, and in truth, despite all of it's problems, your life is better than most others who live on this planet. Most people live in unrelenting poverty with no opportunity at all, and yet, many of them are content and happy. JOin the Peace Corp...just get up now and go do something for someone else.
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 00:11

Such excellent advice. Helping others puts your life into perspective and makes you realize things could be worse. Makes you appreciate your life. Thanks for posting this. I agree with you completely. :)


By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 02:48

Everything you does is completely your fault. You are responsible for whatever you do in life. Don't come here and write some sorry ass story to make people feel bad for you because I don't. You just like all the rest of the nut cases here, trying to cry out for attention instead of going to get real help. Any idiot would know that a wed site can't give you the help and meds that you desperately needs. If you doesn't want criticism, then stop putting crap about yourself on here.
By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 15:49

lol Is it just me, or isn't this website called Life Sucks Big Time, not Let's All Tell Happy Stories About How Wonderful Our Lives Are? I think it's you who is on the wrong page here. If people feel bad for other people that is completely and totally their own choice. And sometimes just being able to vent about your problems anonymously is all people need to help them go on another day. And don't come on forums and websites like this, plainly titled to reflect their content, if you're not prepared to hear sad ass stories about people's misery, you stupid fuck.
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 20:41

No...what I called people like you and every other dumb fucks here is a weak pussy. Who the fuck actually cares if your lives sucks, it's your faults the reason why you all fucked up in the heads. Now you dumb crazy nut cases fuck ups, lol
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 02:13

And WHY are YOU commenting on here? What's your point? It seems you're also seeking help. It's very clear, considering you seem like a lost soul saying negative things. Get a life.


By pretty woman. at 04,Jun,12 03:54

(sigh)... FUCK YOU! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID MENTAL STATE NOT EVEN YOU FAMILY!!! YOU'RE A WASTE OF SPACE! WANKERS LIKE YOU SHOULD JUST KILL THEMSELVES. YOU'RE MEANINGLESS, WORTHLESS, PATHETIC PLEASE DO THE WORLD A FAVOR AND GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!
By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 15:50

Wanker, wanker! "I'm so 1980's saying wanker!" British fuck. Go get the plague and die. Fucking anglo bitch!


By anonymous at 04,Jun,12 13:17

you people ARE MEAN!!!! serisouly ur suppose to solve it not make it worse
By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 01:19

I can solve the money part for alcohol. Start drinking bum wine, it's high in alcohol and is cheap, pocket change. thunderbird or night train are favorites of the winos and you get real drunk real fast. Just do it on a temporary basis until you get over food cravings. Oh make sure you drink it cold as you will gagmifnits warm.


By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 00:13

EVERYONE ON HERE NEEDS VALIUM AND A MORPHINE DRIP! GOOD GOD!
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 00:14

In reference to my comment above: I'm talking about the negative posts on here telling others to kill themselves not the people who are sharing their problems with us.


By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 03:20

This is your key to every door huh...will why won't you open up on of those damn doors and hope that death come flying It's ass outta there at your service.


By Bald headed bitch at 06,Jun,12 00:06

I think you're a monster, damn you monster asshole


By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 01:08

You say you have to loose everything. Not so, you can start today right now to gain some self respect back. Well..maybe I was wrong you can loose 200 pounds off your cellulite riddled mountain of an ass. I bet you were beautiful, with long slender legs, perky breasts, now each leg is a catastrophic entity of an aged wrinkled beluga whale and your breasts are veiny sacs of cottage cheese. You say you need a kick in the ass, I don't know how to tell you this, but if one attempted this they may loose their leg up to the knee in the cervix of your sour fecal caked anus. I suggest you curb your appetite. Any way you can. At least pace your intake of calories and make them less each day. Distract your thought of food. Get to the doctor and tell him what happening in your life. Your appetite will eventually cause your early death, like suicide on the installment plan. I know you can do this. In the meantime accept living with your mother and learn how to stretch your sciatic nerve which is what is causing your pain. You may have to have someone else do it for you as you now are unable to fit "one size fits all" clothing or do it in the nude, just google sciatica which is exactly what you are describing. I wish you luck on your journey
By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 12:59

Immature response. Get a life if you're not going to say something smart and productive and helpful. These people are genuinely suffering and it's cancers like you that make this world a shitty place.
By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 22:27

Just telling it like it is, you are entitled to your opinion, but being in the real world and not the facade like you are trying to make it will get results.
By anonymous at 09,Jun,12 01:09

Oh and I'm assuming you look like a Greek God? Highly fucking doubt it. Take your own advice: look in the mirror and change what you see because you seem like a really ugly person.


By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 22:31

Oh by the way clothing companies are now being sanctioned by the government to change the clothing labels from " on size fits all" to " one size fits most"


By anonymous at 08,Jun,12 16:30

now i feel gald to b alive and the top comment ur a fuckin dick sucker why dont you commite suicide and make everyone happy you ass. No one may give a fuck about me but some people already feel bad so dont try to make them feel worse.


By JacK at 08,Jun,12 16:31

thats me up 1 forgot my name


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