My depression began when I heard as a little girl that my father was very unhappy when I was born--he wanted a boy. I loved my father very much, and it killed a part of me to learn that I was unwanted. Later in life I have wondered if it was a malicious aunt who had lied to me about my father's disaapointment when I was born,but no adult rationalization has quite brought relief to the wound my young mind suffered. My mother has always been apathetic and neglectful towards me, I know she wanted a boy and had one after me, but it isn't her coldness towards me which has pained me as much as the thought of my father's disappointment on my birth. One day when I was a small girl my mother told me in a mood of anger 'Go hang yourself.' I remember I did try to kill myself many times, prayed to god to kill me,but I did not die. I am now 37, I gave birth to a beautiful baby nine months ago, I am enrolled in a Phd program at a leading university and should have a respectable career ahead of me, but despite all this, I cannot shake off my desire to kill myself and die. My depression has been especially bad since my baby was born. Holding her in my arms, I have been ravaged by the thought of the disappointment I brought to my parents as a baby. I know I will not kill myself because that will mar my baby's life. How will she ever be happy knowing her mother killed herself? She is so pure, so joyous, so untainted by sorrow or blemish of any kind. When I cry in front of hershe thinks I am playing with her and squeals in delight. I want to live for her, but a part of me wants to put an end to it all and die. So here I am, caught between my wish to die and my responsibility towards my baby. | |
My heart-felt wishes.
OP.
A better place to get advices!
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