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Posted by Name at June 3, 2012
Tags: 2012 June  Society

I can't say I hate my life but I know I don't like it. Everything I see in the media I know is fabricated. The internet, TV, newspapers, etc. If everything in reality is fake how the fuck are you able to tell whats real. I really can't say I understand any of it. I can breakdown peoples characteristics and kind of understand who they are and stuff like that and it seems to me like so many people on this earth are fake themselves and just want to please others. I live this fucking boring repeated cycle of a life and I'm really just trying to understand who the fuck I am. I don't know if I am unattractive or anything but I haven't had a female friend since I was in grade 9 and now I just finished my first year of uni. I know life isn't all about girls and shit but I feel like I don't deserve any love or anything. I feel like a robot all the time, I can't understand my own fucking emotions. Its like I'm a dead corpse or something. I always wondering about my own death. How will I die and when. I don't understand when I became all fucked up in my head. It might have been the one year I was forced to live in some shit hole of a country where the fucking people all seemed to hate me and I definitely hated all of them. The country was Yemen and I'm not even Yemeni. I keep questioning why people do what they do in this life like go to university or college (or don't), get a job, work at that job till they retire, then die. WTF is the point of all that. I can't interact with people because I feel like I'm so different from everyone. I'm black and its really funny when I'm on the bus or subway and people just don't want to sit beside me (I might just be paranoid) but it make me laugh inside. If theres anything I hate on this earth its the FUCKIN Police and the FUCKIN Government and I don't think I need to tell you any reasons why I do. I'm just so fucking depressed all the time and I don't know why, I'm sure I don't have a reason to be (compared to all the people on this website telling their stories). I don't think I've been happy a single day for the past 5 years. The only thing I feel is real in this world is pain and fear. I want to go to my parents country in Africa for 4 months to feel fear like I never had before. The fear of not being able to know if today will be your last day. I find that to be fun and exciting. Maybe I just fucked up but I don't know. Does anyone ever feel the same way I do?


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Comments:
By Jesi the artist at 06,Jun,12 20:37

Yes. And, it's okay. Depression is mind-numbing, but I can tell you that even if you've had it for years, it's not permanent. I was in the throws of it for many years and now...I'm not. Not that I don't get depressed, just not to the same degree and only for very short periods. I don't know if going to be with your parents is a good thing or not, but change is as easy as changing your mind. People are not sitting next to you because people are just like that. The new world we find ourselves in is scary and confusing. But you can and do have the power inside of yourself (I promise) to say "You know what? I'm tired of feeling like this so, I'm not gonna!" Buy yourself something, a box of candy, a T-shirt, a book you've been wanting and start dating yourself. I did and it was wonderful! I found I liked being with me and that I was pretty cool to be around. Eventually others noticed it too and they wanted to be around me too. Now, I'm really picky about who I choose to let into my circle. You've got it in you - you will NOT find it outside of yourself. Only smart people figure out that the world we live in is not the world we see. It's cool that you get it. It just sucks sometimes to get it, huh?


By Cursed at 07,Jun,12 18:00

Hey bud-
The one thing I fear is GOVERNMENT and CONTROL. And- unfortunately the reason we have to work so hard is to earn money- of course you know this, but when your a kid, money doesn't mean as much as it does when you're an adult- With that being said, it is too bad that we have programmed our children to be "entitled". We teach our children that they are "special" when they are not. We tell them that they will succeed if they go to college- some will but most won't. Wallowing in debt, because we have been told to "go to college" or be a failure, we struggle to pay off that debt only to be saddled with more debt in order to buy a house of our own, drive a car, buy things for ourselves and our children- it's a never ending battle. One that Americans have bought into hook, line, and sinker. It's no wonder we are "DEPRESSED". Our lives revolve around feeling as though we NEED to SUCCEED- and when we don't- we feel like failures... and on top of that- most of us are wallowing in debt!!! I bought into the "idea" of success, and now.... you guessed it- I'm in debt.
I wish we could sit on the bus together and philosophize on life:)
Cursed


By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 22:30

Well let me tell you, the people on the bus or subway, they are the one's who paranoid. The first they see a young black man, they think you was going to rob them.


By anonymous at 08,Jun,12 12:22

Yes. For the past 6-7 years I've been feeling like you. it seems like Everything is backwards and upside down in life, nothing works right here. I keep thinking something will change and keep living but I often catch myself saying 'what is the point?' Your robot comment really hit home, I feel that way to. I wake up every morning and think 'oh, here I am again..' Good luck bro


By anonymous at 08,Jun,12 15:27

hi
watch The arrivals


By anonymous at 09,Jun,12 12:06

I feel like that too...


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