LIFE SUCKS

It all looks good but really, my life sucks

I went to a decent college after doing well in high school, I am in a good financial position at home, my family loves me, and I have a good job at a good non-profit organization that does great work. But I still hate myself, and I hate my life.

I think I live to be performing or creating, like playing in a band or writing stories or acting on stage, but nothing I did in college led me there. I could try it out now, but I can't shake self-doubt enough to try. That's dogging me in my professional life too, where I spend most of my days searching the internet for random shit. My job is a one-year position, and I think my boss can tell I'm not putting in any effort, since I've felt my responsibilities decrease and I'm not even a contender to fill my position (it's part of a one-year thing to build capacity to eventually make the position full-time for a while, but I suck so I won't get hired). I'm afraid that my inability to put forth a good foot will dog me no matter where I go professionally. I only got a 3.2 in college, which isn't bad, but I know I was smarter than most of the idiots I went to college with who left with better grades despite not being smart enough to know that you shouldn't blow a bunch of dudes if you think your reputation will be intact (that sounds sexist, but I mean it only practically).

I'm so unhappy. I just spend my time jerking off, smoking pot, and reading books when I'm not at work, and I might as well spend my time at work doing that I'm so unproductive. I blame everyone else for my problems, and legitimately I do think that I'm incompatible with the world at large. I'm not white, which means that I will always be some oddly exoticized other to the majority of the world (I think my of-color status was part of why I got hired in my job in the first place). Moreover, I can barely focus on anything - I'm listening to music as I write this, and getting distracted, and seeing that i'll ahve to cut this short from where I wanted it to go (and won't do any spelling or grammar edits) because I can't focus on it.

I have a family that loves me but I don't think gets me. They don't spend any time in my head. If the world was run the way that I want it to be run, I'm sure it would be a lot better. Corporations exploit us, and we follow lock-in-step with mundane, 9-5 self-satisfying lifestyles instead of pursuing our passions and trying to buck a system that seeks to ultimately serve only a few. If it were up to me, after the recession, we would've burned down the NYSE with all the type-A psychopaths that ruined our economy trapped inside.

Fuck this world, it's not worth it. IF the government were to invest in anything, it should be painless suicide stations for people who want to kill themselves. That every suicide method involves tons of trauma and risk is the one thing that's kept me from killing myself. We have overpopulation and undernourishment in the world yet people with ostensibly good lives like mine cannot find happiness, so what's the point? OH yeah, because mass suicides would be the ultimate rebellion against an unjust world, and our government can't have that lest we don't have enough people putting into an economy and power structure that cares more about making planes unmanned and invisible so we can spy on (and eventually bomb) a bunch of countries that aren't worth the salt on my food and would lose in all-out war so fast (except for China - if we go to war with them, we're fucked) than they care about putting money into schools, giving people jobs, and showing people who aren't happy that they're worth something to the world.

I'm so sick of all of it, I ride my bike to work in the hopes that some car will side-swipe me and kill me painlessly. Oh well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll be happy someday. I'd like to be, I think I could be something really special.