Well let me start by saying I HATE feeling like this or even complaining when I know: there is always someone out there who has it worse. But shit..not to ME!
1. I am 26 going on 27 and have have limb gyrtle muscular dystrophy.
-this alone is what I know my issues stem from. Trust me, it sucks! My arm, stomach, feet, leg, and hand muscles are super weak. So I can even climb stairs, sit in regular chairs without someone helping me up. I use a walker when I leave the house. I feel 80 and I hate it. I have 2 daughters, 5 and 1, who I can't even get on the floor and play with because I wouldn't be show to get up not to mention it kills me knees to crawl because I've fallen on them so many times I can't even remember.
It is my favorite time of year, summer, and I can't even go down the stairs to help my oldest put the sprinkler on the hose. All I did today was sit/stand on the back door small landing and watch them play. I want to go lay out, have fun with them in the water, etc. But no.
2. I am SO lonely. No guy wants to marry someone like me. My disease is one thing, but I'm also mentally unstable because of this hatred of my disease! I am highly depressed.
I will go one day feeling ok to great to ok to sad to wanting to die.
3. Oh did I mention I live in the dungeon (basement) of my moms house!? It is dark, gloomy, small, and cold down here. Plus, I feel trapped! I have a stupid riding chair to get up to my moms part of the house but then I can't go in the backyard or front. Back = stairs. Front = stairs + a hilly ass area. And I can't go anywhere without help or a babysitter because I can't even lift up my 1 year old! That is the worst. I depend a lot on my 5yr old. No 5 yr old should have to help as much as she does. God bless her she's my angel. But then I treat her like shit. I forget she is 5 and treat her like she's 15.
I often feel like everyone in my life would have a better life without me around.
I have no friends that ever initiate hanging out with me, except one who lives 500 miles away. None of my family ever want to do anything with me. Maybe it's because they all pick up on my depression. But shit, that doesn't help me.
So am I supposed to get myself out of this rut? Get over it? Well it's hard. I'm reminded every damn day how freaking boring and lonely and disabled my life is. I miss my dad, passed away in 2004 of prostate cancer, I feel like he's trying to reach out to me but I'm not understanding. I just say fml. For real. If something amazingly great and awesome doesn't happen soon I'm going to lose it.