LIFE SUCKS

lost my life

im 26 i have a career in school and thats it. 4 years ago i was a drug addict ( still am ) i met a girl and fell completely inlove with her she was perfect and i mean perfect absolutely beautiful till this day i would pick being with her over any model or moviestar shes unbeleivable . we had a great relationship we laughed 24/7 never ever argued in 3 years we got into 2 arguments . she was obsessed with me and i was obsessed with her. it was pure love. during our relationship i hid the fact i did drugs. she knew in the begining but thought i quit. i dont know why i choose to sniff pills or heroin but i do and i hate the fact that i do it. she got pregnant and i was soo happy i had never been happier in my life when i saw my beautiful daughter born. we lived at her parents house with our daughter i couldnt hold a steady job due to stealing from the job. she kinda knew but pretended she didnt. and her parents too. one random morning she came downstairs after getting ready for work crying and basically told me she didnt want me to live there anymore and neither did her parents. so i moved back in with my parents . we talked everyday and still hung out . we ended up getting back together and got an apartment. but something was wrong her mood was always up and down one day she would break up with me just to get back together with me the next .. one day i got home from work . i fianlly got a decent job and was supporting my family and still a drug habbit that i had undercontrol i only used on the weekends or when i had extra money and took suboxone when i didnt. she told me she was moving out and didnt want to be together any more. we left out apartment and again i moved back in with my parents. this time she was very distant we would still hang out spend the night everyother weekend because i knew she still missed and loved me . we continued this for months all the way until about 2 months ago then things started getting very different we stopped talking alot we havent hung out in a while nothing . last time we hung out spent the night was about a month ago we did not have sex which i thought was very odd because we always had sex . then the distant grew one day i texted her for her to reply i have a friend over we are going to smoke and watch the celtics i have to go. i know it was a guy but i tried to pretend i didnt know it was. 2 weeks ago we were talking all day and i asked her waht she was doing that night she responded with having some drinks with a friend and watching a movie after our daughter goes to sleep so i asked her is it a guy that is there? and she replied yes its a guy hes just a friend. which i know is bullshit cuz i know her. now i know she is basically with someone else i can feel it in my heart and i know he is around my daughter but she denys it. everyday all day long all i think about is all our good times and how much i miss her and seeing my daughter every day. i pay her child support every week i work full time and in school but i dont have many friends and never go out . i day dream about her texting me asking me to hang out or saying she misses me ... but the text never comes . and all i can think about is this guy living the life that i once loved with my girl and my daughter and it absolutely eats me up. i know my ex since my daughter was born became almost bipolar one day she missed me the next she didnt text me . i seriously want to die i cant even bare the thought that another guy is in that house with my daughter and her its killing me every day . to the point where i dont care about my life what so ever. today it was pouring raining out and im on a jobsite that is a hour and a half away and i found my self driving 90mph in the rain and didnt care if i spun out and hit a wall then so be it . i just have no care for life any more any hope any drive i used to have is completely gone and now im turning back to drugs more and more everyday. i find myself with out spending money to go out and meet any other girls. i have met a few but and really nice girls but none that can compair to her not even a little bit. its awful but i will never be happy again i know it . i want to be in my daughters life 24/7 i dont wanna miss a athing and for a guy most guys could care less but me i love her so much and my ex only allows me to see her everyother weekend. i just dont know what to do not only am i kicked out of her life but im being pushed out of my daughters life. my two girls that i love more than anything else in my life i dont have anymore and now theres a new guy there to replace me and my heart is literally broken i actually get sick to my stomach thinking about what shes doing. i knew this day would come because once we broke up she bacame this party girl going to clubs and bars with her friends every chance she got and going out with all kinds of people. i knew it only was a matter of time till she hung out or met a guy that she would like and i would be history from her mind and heart and that day has came and here i am sittingin my parents basement alone with nothing to do again. i hate my life and i want to die. i want to stay here for my daughter to see her grow and become a beautiful woman but i really dont think i can do it . i think everyday about dieing . if there was a loaded gun on my table besides me. i would write on a piece of paper i love my daughter and i love my ex. and put it to my head and pull the trigger. with out thinking twice. i dont know what im going to do with my life besides just being miserable going to work everyday paying for my daughter and thats it. i pray everyday that shes going to come back to me but i dont think thats going to happen. i just dont know what to do anymore. i tried activities like the gym but i get home and instantly get so depressed i have no drive. to do anything. i miss her so much i cant even explain it. so much that nothing else matters. i just want my life back . i know i made mistakes and id do anything for a second chance but i dont think ill get one and i dont know if i will be able to go on i really dont. im so sad its diving my crazy. i pray that god will bring her back to me but i dont think god can even help with that. i just pray that god can forgive me for everything ive done and anything that i soon will do.