Well i've written to this website before ("nihilistic life" - title) but wanting to clarify maybe a few things. And to extend my rant..
Im 18 and yes i know there are stories on here real/fake that sound worse than mine ATM but i feel like i'm on a path to destruction if i don't get help, which in various ways is cause by my mind not wanting help, saying i 'have no problems, until i put myself in a situation where i make it known i have problems (seeing a counselor etc.)'. Mind is a very manipulative thing and im just stuck with pain from my past and i just hate myself for what i've become in some ways and stupid shit i've done. I would seriously consider suicide if it wasn't for my niece + nephew who i care to much to leave behind (since im like a father figure as my sisters deadshit boyfriend left her... not to mention she is a deadshit so my most cared about things in the world are not in the best hands to say the least.)
Down to details, i have not officially been diagnosed; but i strongly feel.. i mean if i don't have major depression disorder and bi-polar... i don't know nor want to know what the fuck it is. I feel like i can find solace when i have that officially checked out as for instance my depression comes from parents who didn't really want me to begin with.. both alcoholic real parents and now my real father is dead and my mother was a heroin addict who went to jail but out again. With that, my mother still stays in touch but i have no feelings for her as i've picked up a nihilistic.. cynical approach to life and just seriously truly don't care about anything apart from niece and nephew. I guess i want to sort of treat them as myself and try and raise them to have a better life than i had which could probably be achieved my own kids but who knows what the future holds.. and as stories on here show.. the future can become quite grim. So no " you have the rest of your life" bullshit. I'm mentally beaten and struggle to focus at school and happens to be most important year but i'm.. just out of this world.. i can't literally take it 'seriously'. I don't feel i belong exactly i guess.. just my mind plays these tricks on how many other paths life could of taken or so much other bs. But for more details on how i've gotten this way.. i was abused physically and mentally as a child; most my life, i suffer retrograde amnesia.. which i think may be due to being pressured to sell drugs at school by my sister and her deadshit boyfriend she is no longer with. Alot has been wiped from my memory apart from depressive experiences i've had all through my life. I haven't felt truly loved in my life, i doubt i'll find someone decent anytime soon either. I've moved schools 3 times and once was for a bullying aspect (year 7 -8) where i was peer pressured and did stupid shit that i took harshly back then.. and rest were to following the path of music as a career; being a amateur.. a novice in a world of un-humble, un-supportive pricks, high egocentric people who i just don't fucking belong around. With the incident of selling drugs and getting caught ,yes it was stupid, even in my time i don't care.. i can still say that was stupid and i was 14, but i can't forgive myself, could of ruined my life i guess a little further than what is now...lol... I apparently don't look the best and i now leave it on purpose (mainly the fucking hair, but society is sooo GiRLly and just going to this new school not many bothered to even say hi. I'm new... you say hi... i don't have to start a conversation. That's my logic to that anyway but obviously the silence has said it all and i couldn't be fucked with those people anyway. I mean.. i can't type every little detail like getting caught by police with my mother as she was hitting up heroin as i 'had to visit her' as a younging..there were precious tears :), i just feel like a piece of shit, worthless; like i said with nihilism. I live with my step dad who treats me like a fucken child all my life and a grandmother who is dumb as shit and only nags. It's funny for a day or two but for years.. the other fake family i'm with can't understand it. I have suicidal thoughts everyday and have cut myself.. so just on that, looking at myself; my mind has to be a bit disturbed. I've been severely heartbroken aswell back in my teenage years, and most of the common shit aswell. (yes the cliches..)
I'm sick of hiding my depression behind a mask. | |
Its horrid because theres no one to blame but myself for this, anyway, you arent alone.
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