I am writing this to vent. I do not care if you think my life sucks or not because I'll tell you now that it doesn't. Not really. There are far scarier evils to be endured through life by far braver people than I.
I am NOT brave and that is why my story sucks for me.
I hardly remember my mother. The story I know is she was near angelic. My father left her when I was a toddler for another woman and never returned. She'd had a son before me who was kidnapped by his father. She later died in a car crash when I was 7. She was in a car with her sister and niece and two other ladies. They all died.
I remember the events around her death as if it were a movie. Then there's a big gap in my memory. The next thing I remember is living with my aunt in Long Island. The required airplane ride from Puerto Rico is gone from my mind as is the process of learning English. Gone.
While living with my aunt I never did quite adjust. I wet the bed and occasionally my pants. I remember all the shame and disappointment in my aunt's voice. Still, that was just the beginning. My aunt and I clashed at every turn. I'd misbehave and she'd yell, in turn, I'd misbehave some more. A vicious cycle that ended in me running away many times. Soon my aunt became pregnant with her first child and it was deemed that my incorrigible ways needed to hightail it back to P.R. to live with my grandmother right before my 10th birthday.
I loved my grandmother. Yet, she scared the bejesus out of me. She was a fervent Seventh Day Adventist and legitimately insane. Not a good combo. She had me convinced the devil would pop out of a T.V. screen if viewed on the Sabbath and that good angels would leave my side if I wore clothing inside out, leaving the way open for all the bad angels that fell from heaven. Also, like any good old school Christian Dominican grandma she could chase your @$$ down and beat the crap out of you if you even thought of stepping out of line. Needless to say my behavior was exceptional! So much so that my aunt wanted me to live with her once again.
Long story short, I disappointed her again. I would eventually live with nearly every member of my family never living with one longer than 3 yrs. at a time until my 17th year. I burned every bridge by lying, stealing, running away, skipping school, flunking classes and having what my family thought was the nastiest attitude ever seen... The 7 intermittent suicide attempts didn't help my case much either.
I went through a series of homeless shelters and just never managed to get my shit together. Got a G.E.D., tried college, defaulted some loans....
Got pregnant. I was in no position to have my child, but the thought of abortion bothered me. Not politically. Emotionally. So I turned to a couple of catholic shelters and with the help of my current boyfriend I got through that pregnancy.
He was amazing to me. He stood by me knowing he wasn't the baby's father. We saw each other every week (oppressive shelter permitting) and he was the first person to hold my daughter. And when she was hospitalized an extra couple of weeks, he was there.
When he asked me to move in with him 8 months later, it really was a no-brainer. Soon I was pregnant again. Five months pregnant and my 1 yr. old, BFF and I were sitting at my SO's computer and I was trying to keep my daughter from randomly hitting keys. Still, she hit one and to the foreground his Incredimail account popped up; with it, emails... with graphic pics and more
Our entire first year together was a lie. Women were everywhere. And the worst yet still to come with the discovery of a diamond ring certificate and an entry into his agenda under June 10th that said "showed *** the ring" and another entry six months later stating "*** said no". These were dates that we were together. He would attempt one more relationship before asking me to move in.
There's no one that can convince me I wasn't more than the idiot he settled for. I may be blind or naïve, at times. Never stupid.
Three yrs. later I am in a loveless and financially abusive relationship that I couldn't leave if I wanted to, for lack of financial means and having burnt all my familial bridges, but also, I'm terrified of what the affects could be on my little girls. They love their daddy. The thought of them not having a good steady father figure in their lives all because my heart hurts a little makes me feel like a bad person. Yet the thought of 15 more years with this man suffocates me. I want my go to; I want to run.
I won't run. I won't kill myself. Living with out a mother exposed me to a world of conditional affection and zero love. I won't subject my children to that fate. Not willingly. I won't take my kids away from a father who loves them more than anything and can offer them stability and a sense of normalcy.
I'm trapped in a way. This is the bed I will lie in for the next 15 yrs. Unless of course my luck takes an even shittier turn. It can, you know. This man refuses to marry me. I have no marital rights. His way of ensuring I can't pick up and leave with half of everything and, also, to not be responsible for my student loans (which he could pay off easily). When the day comes for me to leave I will be homeless, yet again. Let's also hope longevity is in his future.
So, that's my story.... no rape, starvation, physical abuse, abduction or anything truly horrible. Yes, this is the abbreviated less f*cked up version of my story, but even if I wrote every single detail in the most victimizing way, there would still be more horrible evils in the world.
My life sucks for me because I don't have the strength it requires. My tendency is to give up and giving up just isn't an appealing option.