first off I would like to say that whatever I have written below is not there for your advice or comments. If you do have advice because you might have a strikingly similar life then by all means comment away!
I would actually be overjoyed if one comment was the answer to all my questions regarding life and how to live it. Instead of me spending everyday getting more and more confused about why myself and everybody is forced to deal with certain things during I brief existence on this planet. So try me... write whatever you want. Maybe even trolls could shed some misdirected uselessness in the right direction?
Anyways I'm only writing this for myself. I think if I could put how i feel in words then maybe some stress will be released or atleast a sense of being heard is what I crave? I feel that I should describe myself and how I feel ppl may view me as a background. So here it goes... I live in South Africa. Just a white guy living a good life in middle to high income class home. I have been spoilt in the sense that I got my first car givin to me, I got birthday presents that I cant complain about, I was sent to expensive schools(Just finished my degree at UCT infact)and I eat well. Financially I have been supported my whole life by my parents who now are awaiting my entry into the job world. The social aspect of my life is rich. I have many "best Friends" who I actually connect with and share amazing experiences with each day. I have enjoyed years of excessive good times including Partying, clubs, meeting girls, weekends away by the lake and 2 years of smoking weed before doing awesome stuff like wakeboarding. So one reading this might now be asking what the hell is this dude doing on this sight in the first place. Well friend... my needs/questions are simple yet baffiling to me. I could award my presense here to weed. I feel smoking it has opened my mind to complicated thinking and the ability to pose questions and deduce the answers which I confidently would say are correct. My thoughts have varied from how I would raise my first son too me figuring out how I can change the world and how we live init. I have a lot of problems with the world that we live in and I feel that I would like to change that in order to feel proud that I made a dent on the universes history. I consider my lack of religion a positive trait. For me religion only offers easy answers to the simple questions of life. for example Christianity(oooooh spell check wants it to be capital C haha) has this thing about one partner and marriage. Its drilled into christian kids from a tiny age... every girl wants her princess wedding with the one love of her life. our job as men is to offer that. Well with my girlfriend I feel that marriage is not neccasary except as a social extravagance. my proposal would go something like this. " GF, our lives have been interwined and we can happily consider ourselves dependant on each other thanks to the trust we have allowed which was answered only by love and care. I feel you are the person who has managed to understand me enough allowing a happy life because we I also understand you allowing me to know how to make you happy. I say this at this point not because this is how i feel now because in actual fact I feel this all the time. I say this because for some reason I have to marry you( like its gana change anything) and in order to make you happy I made a speech and here is your ring(Ca-ching 3 month paycheck$$$). The wedding is not just for you but also because I get to have an awesome bachelour party with my buddies and so everyone will stop asking when!?" Haha I enjoyed writing that! back to the point I was describing Christianities simple answer to partnership. I feel that marriage will not change how I feel about my GF. She is attractive, we are compatibal and I feel the desire to make her happy. I will never cheat I will never abandon I will always hold a shred of humilty in arguments. basically unless an event transpires regarding our relationship we will be as long as we live together. Marriage will not change that... only if that "event" leads to us parting which means a divorce has to occur which is way more unsavoury. My lack of religion has given me an ability to ask questions at the most basic level. Will I be with my girlfriend forever? Christians would say " YES HAHA! I PLAN TO MARRY HER!"... and I'm like, "...so?" I would say basically what i said above. seems legit to me? This has also helped me discover much about us humans. I beleive we are merely animals with enhanced cognition. we are still animals with instincts. We feel the undeniable erge to reproduce. The popularity of sex has lead to a population of over 7 billion ppl! Our breeding patterns our varied. many cultures"tribes" have males alfa males mating with all his chosen females inorder to get the their gene sharing on. This is similar to Lions. I beleive all early humans where like this. However we have either evovled or been forced into a monogamay like emporer pigiuns. piguins can only sustain one partner because they only have the resources to hatch on egg at a time. A question which I have just stumpled upon is whether our situation calls for monogamy or polygamy(multiple partners). Do humans feel the need to reproduce? Yes. Do we feel that a greater success rate of will be achieved if we mate with multiple partners? yes more sex = more kids. is that what we instincutally crave? well More kids needs more attention. I will give my son attention during which I would like to teach him how to make critical decisions. I hope he will learn to how to chose the correct path when it presents itself leading him to a successful life. What do you think successful life entails? Assets? fast cars? your name on a skyscraper? I myself have been struggiling with this question for a few months now. I am witness to the observation that everthing we do these days is aimed at those kind of goals? Billions of ppl will never be rich enough to enjoy their true passion such as fly fishing in your amazon by your mansion holiday house. I asked the question if whether a man should work 20 years to achieve that or just go to the amazon build a shelter and live off the land? its less comfy but you save 20 years of your life of which you get to FLYFISH! woohoo. so the only difference is time and comforting material objects. I would love to flyfish infront of my mansion but is the 20 years worth it? I could spend those 20 years slowly building my own awesome tree house? better view, friendlier to the environment and great ventilation.
Side note... there are often amazing occurences in life. As I am writing about tree houses I decide to get up for no real reason and check my email which came thru to my fone earlier. first phrase was this "tree house escape..." for a discounted price i can go spend one night with my beautiful gf in a tree house, breakfast included. To me I this seems to be a "SIGN" from who or where i do not know... seems similar to the secret where positive vibes about something will lead to you attain it. Its weird stuff but i feel if i continue to search for answers about aspects of life such as coincidence then sure one day I may stumble upon a way something incredible. Control reality and shit. Its serious stuff actually. Just watch The Matrix... Neo had no idea he was just a battery slave made to believe he was living a life he could not control. luckily morpheas got him out of there and lead him onto a path which allowed to him to have great control over the his previous digital prison. He could understand and hack the digital code made to run the reality program which was developed by the machine. I think of the machine didnt have a firewall and NEO should've been capable of much more such however its was not so :(. Anyways the coincedence i Just encountered? how the hell did that happen. Thanks to the matrix i feel that the reality we live in may also be based primarily on one thing. just as 1's and zero's where the base of neo's previous reality. I hope to find that one thing that connects everything together. I consider everything as Nature. the univeres is nature the way everything occurs is natural and will naturally happen. overpopulation will lead to resource depletion... its all just nature. So if I could find out what it is that nature is based on the maybe I can controll it or even just be amazed by it. how would I figure out what "IT" really is? We are going way passed most scientific things now. For example scientists almost believed that a particle recently broke the speed of light. The speed of light is, in essence the speed limit of reality, and breaking it would mean a whole new area of science to explore. however it was disproved and didn't actually happen. But do not ignore that fact that everyday scientists experiment. and through experimentation they stumble upon evidence of an occurence that wasnt even thought of in the history of humans. These discoveries are helping everyone to figure out exactly what i am trying to figure out. how does everything work. Lightning strikes above clouds? the idea that life may be sustainable and actually exist on other planets? we are slowly but surely asking questions and receving answers. Maybe I'm being too confident thinking that I should be searching for the one thing that will allow me all the answers to everything. Does "IT" even exist? The Tree house coincidence is my little hope that, from the stuff we evidently do not understand, we may become curious enough to figure it out. I dont know if i can figure it out without becoming a scientist. maybe i need to learn more in order to do this? does knowing more even help. I like the way i think and how i figure things out on my own. no internet resources really. just news to keep me occupied. Im thinking about the Tree house coincidence again. how did it happen? My stress and questions lead me to this page to write the story which randomly included a tree house? the tree house email cam from one of those groupon buying schemes. how did groupon and my path cross like this? am i taking this sign too seriously. maybe its natures joke saying " hey! how improbable is this shit! still making it happen BOOYA!" It gets complex with you view it all on a timeline. Mine and groupons. All my experiences of life lead me to the creation of an example which included a treehouse. If my grandpa hhad never got one built for me would my example be different? If I didnt subscribe to groupon would i not have had such a coincidence? when it gets this cluttered i find a lil puff of weed might help. its hazy yet all so clear especially when its quiet and you chilling haha.I dont have any so owell. Lets say my path was destined, I was meant to live this coincidence. That rules out time and leaves me just whith a question of why? should i get a hint and go? hmm considering all my pondering has been helpful maybe i need some trust in destiny is needed! too bad we do live in world based on Greed/Ownership where the fat cats own the most sometimes even our very lives. I wonder if bill gates likes being rich? what If i smoked a J with him and took hime wakeboarding. if he really got into it would drop everything just to do it everyday? I would say yes! why not? he made his presence and now he will be happy doing tricks on the water. what would you do? You know the reason i started writing this was because i was upset with my dad. I consider him to be an asshole because he doesnt feel the need to understand me? Its strange how I could, most probably not anywhere close, be on my way to figuring out nature. Yet my relationship with my father will deserve a paraghraph in the whole story as to how. I feel about the whole thing already because ranting about my dreams is just something I have todo. I want to tell someone I want someone to listen and after they have heard I hope that they can help me carry on this train of thought. Being alone in this may be only downfall. If I got my gf on this level maybe I would be truly happy sharing this experince with her. lying down in the sun chatting about what the answer could be. maybe that happyness will provide me with the answer. if that happyness is truly great then that could be my answer. That I dont need anything else. Just a life with her. I miss her now. I would never find it but I did find the one thing that would put a smile on face everyday! sometimes I think this monogamy shit is programmed into us when we young by the man. movies about pregnancy love. The guy always does it for the girl! SHould i beleive it is the man and wonder if polygamy is our natural animal instinct? free love is verymuch a hippy idea coupled with peace. a life of drugs, music, friendship, courting chilling. being a nomad in your van. its an appealing choice but i have feeling that it was an idea made by the big boys of business to actually calm down an oncoming revolution. imagine woodstock without drugs and peace idea? you'd have jimmy smash a army corporals face in with is mad guitar skillz! I think often we get tricked into thinking these solutions are ours. while instead some smart ass is laughing at you because he can live the good life while you live the life he made you beleive you deserve. sex is definately a product of propaganda. Its everywhere. the top 40 pop songs at the moment describe the most porno things i've ever heard of. Little girls listen to that! its bullshit actually how we getting screwed by our own kind. we need a humanitarian! someone who cares about us as a species. But sometimes everyonce in a while im sure someone who does care makes an impact on us which helps us in the struggle for true freedom. KONY 2012 was what i believe a great thing. Many would say" No dude that kony shit was all BS the story was twisted its actually the government not him." Ok thats fair! but did Kony do some bad things? Dont you think that the dude who started KONY 2012 achieved what he wanted? Did he want Kony dead or did he actually want to see if he could get millions of ppl to fight for a similar objective? I think the fact that he got threw to so many ppl is what should be amazing. it doesnt matter if it was for a rebel leader or saving a hamster from obestiy. Getting a person who feels mundane to all of a sudden pickup their pitchfork and say " FUCK YOU! I'm gana do something about this cause i got this firey passion telling me to!" I love that. As long as that sort of spirit exists and its rekindled every now and then the flame wont burn out. We might still have a chance to change this world for the better. I do beleive that drugs might've been the downfall of the woodstock idea. getting ppl to enjoy their rebeliousness? u not suppose to enjoy experimenting for a cure for aids. but trust me if u manage to find then hells yes all that hard work was worth it. Big boy businessmen owned those hippies using our natural attraction to sex drugs and rock n roll. We arent perfect and they know that. I should avoid such weaknesses if truly beleive in my path! And if anything its been made easy for me. I have my partner so all those pop songs and adverts and whatever esle is thrown at me wont effect me. Writing this has allowed me to see that humans desire for polygamy can be used against us. And I would happily not fall for such trickery considering my gf is all the sexy i need and some. I am worried about how I do sometimes feel that when i smoke alot things are just better. If weed slowed down my ability to reach my dream then I would stop. But weed does open my mind as I said before so i guess moderation and control is sacrifice i goto make. If the world we lived in did function properly then everyone should smoke. It greatly increases the social aspect of lifestyles and it does help with boredom. everyone smoked would the world be chilled? I drive high and its not dangerous at all. what if a pilot of a new airbus did the same! would be pretty wild. could happyness relative to experiences. I would love a life filled with experiences such as running with the bulls, skydiving, learning a new language. I stopped now and found myself walking in circles around my kitchen just thinking. My brain just wont stop sometimes I dono if its good or bad. Everything I do has to be thought out and the things that i'm not ampt todo i still want to do them right but thinking it out and taking the steps i find neccasary kills my motivation cause its not worth it for me. I hated writing essays but here i am going writing like a madman just for myself? it all makes perfect sense. I just wana do what i wana do! I should take what i love and strive towards forfilling myself with it. no half hearted attempts. the main questions i have now is what do i want? I feel that my dream may be a moddest beach shack on a indonesion island surfing eating and smoking alll with my girlfriend and ofcourse my friends who i wouldnt be able to live without. but I also wana change the world! start a civilsation which was created by experts in all fields to be perfect. sustainable living and all that jazz. I want a legacy like that. Kegan saves the human population from self destruction. will that legacy make me happy? making a difference seems to be on many ppls minds. But i have figured the only way i could possibly do that is to work my ass off now and make a name for myself first. if bill gates said on a major press release that he was requesting all scientists to create a blueprint of a selfsustainable civilisation which was concerened about the happyness of its ppl, and that he had an island paradise on which to start this new way of life. how would the world react. personally i would like a ticket to that island would'nt you? or just blissful happyness in my beach house. far from the concrete jungle. its tough. I need a decision soon cause i got job searching going on and if it is important to me then i will handle it like a boss. I def kno that i dont want to be average and be stuck in middle class suburban poo life being part of a life that everyone has to share and pay for. I really dont want that. I do like big tvs ps3 couches and fancy restaurants but isit worth my soul? hmm soul... does that thing even exist? i think a soul could just be our complex character driven by emotions of the concious and sub-consious. but thats just me and too each his own.
IF I knew why everything is or was... then what would happen? would i still be sitting here typing knowing everything but with no control over it, just being a guy who could when why and how everything might happen... would i have been able to transport up into the clouds and fly around and change matter? or will i be sucked in and dissapear? I dont know.
I'm not gana finish this. finished ranting now i feel better. New day kind of stuff. I do hope to make ppl wonder