My biggest fear is that I am in some way stupid. What ever I do, it turns out to be wrong. I do things sometimes with good intentions others with selfish ones and whatever I do and however I turn, I somehow end up being wrong. I hate my life. I hate my job. I sometimes hate myself and the fact that I'm such a screw up. I have no motivation. I have no passion for anything constructive. I am not depressed but I am unhappy. I have minimal social life in that a bunch of us guys gather in the weekend and have LAN parties (multiplayer gaming). I am going through life like a zombie. I am semi-dead. I go to work, hope the day goes by without any major screw ups then I go home and eat dinner, play video games while listening to self help (self-help is to give myself a sense of hope, even if it is false), dread that tomorrow I will have to go to work again, sleep and repeat the same thing all over again.
I know that I have it better than some. At least I have a job and it's a miracle I haven't been fired yet. Still I'm not happy. Everyday I think I am going to get fired that day and sometimes I want to take the initiative and quit myself because the anticipation of being fired is killing me. I want to take myself out of the game but I don't know what to do afterwards. I'm not even looking for another job, that's how unmotivated and depressed I am. I sort of think that I am undeserving of good things and am sabotaging myself to take away from myself anything I don't feel I deserve.
Not having a sense of control over my life and the fact that my existence is dependent on other people liking me is killing me especially because my experience shows that I am not that likable of a person. I was never popular in school and I am introverted. I don't like to meet people. I don't even socialize electronically. I want to start my own business. I know I would make much less money, probably even lose money but at least I would have some sense of control over my life.
My parents love me a lot and I wouldn't take my life, ever. My dad has sacrificed everything to get us where we are now and it would be unfair to him if I commit this act of selfishness.
I am fantasizing that somehow things will get better, but I know it won't. I don't know what to do and even if I did, I lack the energy to follow through my decisions.
Lastly, to all that are going to curse and tell me to die, please leave your comments to yourselves. The only reason anyone would do this is that he/she relates with what I am saying and is projecting his/her hate of him/herself towards me. I am writing it for sympathy, advice is welcomed but I want to see if anyone can relate. Am I alone feeling like this or are there people who have the same general feelings? Feel free to comment, however kindly refrain from cursing and/or projecting your hate towards me.
The greatest quote I have read from this site by a fellow member goes like this "not everyone was put on this earth to be happy". Best of luck to all.