LIFE SUCKS

The story of my pathetic life .

My mum and dad who was a drug addict , got divorced when I was two. He then died of throat cancer when I was seven .Right after my parents got divorced , my mum got a new boyfriend , with whom we lived for another seven years . Although he was quite nice to me and never abused me , I don't think he ever loved me . He broke up with my mum on her birthday when I was 9 , and sold the house we were living in behind our backs so me and my mum were practically homeless. ( Did I mentioned that this house was hounted ? It was normal for me to hear someone walking up and down the stairs when I was the only person home , sitting in the livingroom ) Also , my mum whom I love dearly , and has done a lot for me , has also trouble managing her anger , and throughout my life has called me many extremely nasty things , that I will never forget.

So yea . We had to move out of the ''hounted house'' because it wasn't ours anymore. My mum who owned a successfull beauty salon at that time , decided to sell everything and move ( or should i say emigrate ? ) to the UK . ( I'm polish ... sucks doesn't it ?)

So I ended up living with my grandparents ( from my mum's side ) for a whole year . Although I love them , because they are the best grandparants in the world , I couldn't help missing my mum . So after a year , when she finally settled down here in the UK , she bought me a plane ticket so I could start a new life here , and that's when the nightmare started . First , I had to leave everybody behind , all my friends and family , and although I was always quite chatty I found it hard to make friends here because I couldn't speak english at that time .

Children at my new school were being racist towards me , they used to throw cans and bottles at me and call me names . This just made it harder for me to settle down , my mum had a new boyfriend at that time that I used to argue with him quite a lot. He would also abuse me mentally , and make me feel really worthless . I was only 10-11 at that time , and started developing suicidal thoughts.I had no friends , no one to talk to, and because I was away from my mum for a whole year I used to go up to her and hug her every half an hour because I was so happy to be with her once again. At first she liked it an hugged me back , but after few weeks she found it really annoying and used to shout at me for it . She even shouted at me for crying. It was a really tough time for me. I had no support , when I needed it the most . I remember feeling so hopeless I would walk around in circles in my room crying my eyes out and pulling my hair , because I didn't know what to do with myself anymore . I even scratched my face once , because I just felt so weak and helpless . My mum shouted at me when she saw and called me names , she never even asked why i did it .

I am now 15 , nearly sixteen , so It has been around 4-5 years since that happened . In the meantime I have also :

- Developed an eating disorder ( bulimia )- my mum found out but once again never got me any help , just told me to stop.

- Started cutting myself

- developed binge eating which caused me to gain weight which then caused me to be seriously depressed.

- Had thousands of arguments with my mum . The worst one was when she threw me a knife and told me to cut myslef .

- Developed even more suicidal thoughts , and have held a knife under my throat many times , but never had the courage to actually kill myself.

Its weird , now that I have written all fo this down it doesnt seem so bad. That's beacuse I havent shared everything , It would take me hours to include all the bad things that have happened to me. All the boyfriends that my mum has had , how her current boyfriend makes fun of my weight , how my ''best friend'' from Poland has completely left me and doesnt give a shit about me anymore . How I feel so ugly and fat . How the only social life I have here I going to town with my three friends , where two of them are obsessed with video games like pokemon, and the other one is selfish and spoiled and always talks about herself. How I sit by myslef in nearly all classes , and just feel like I am completely failing in life .

Thanks for reading .