I don't want to work for someone else. I don't like being a pencil pusher. All I do is organize data. I create nothing of value I just put in numbers and make business statements. The rest of the time, I organize files, prepare slips, all paperwork. Lately, I've been procrastinating incessantly to the point now that I feel guilty that I haven't done shit. Now, I feel I'm gonna get fired. I now have hate plus anxiety, fucking nice combo. I hate my job and I hate that I can't leave it either. I can't quit because it would ruin me financially, or at least I think it will ruin me. I think that I can start a business of my own but a part of me believes I would fail. I don't mind not making a lot of money. I just want to feel good passing the 8 hours 5 days a week of the rest my life. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to get another job because all jobs that I get with my degree will be pencil pushing jobs which I will hate eventually.
I am in a way hoping I get fired. I want to work for myself. I want the anxiety and hate that runs through me every second of the 8 hours a day to stop. Some people enjoy working for others, I'm not one of them.
I don't really understand the system. I have to work 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week every month of every year till I'm 65 so that I can retire with all the life in me being sucked dry. Popping pills to reduce the stress, probably passing by some shrinks in the process... for what? So that I can retire at 65? I'd be dead by then I assure you.
I thought I would never play the lottery, I know that there is a higher chance to be hit by lightning 20 times that hit the jackpot but I started playing (nothing much, but i'm putting 2 bucks every week to waste) hoping for a miracle to happen that can save me from this existence.
I think I will enjoy the day I get fired. I am rehearsing how I will ask for a recommendation from my boss the day she fires me. I know she likes me otherwise I'd be fired months ago but nevertheless, I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of getting fired. I know I can market my services. I have a bit of capital but not much. I have like 15k in the bank, I know it's not much but at least I don't have debt. I can get an additional 15k as borrowing and I can set up shop and I can market some personal services as well. I can tutor and I can teach music. I can get additional income to support me. I know all this but it doesn't compel me enough to quit my job willingly. I dread every day I have to go to work but still I can't muster the courage to quit. I'm gonna wait to get fired even though in my country there is no unemployment benefits. As long as I'm getting money, I don't care. I'll slack off till I get fired eventually and then I'll go do my thing.
The thing is most people don't have an intense passion in life and most passions are either destructive in nature or they cannot be monetized. I'm no different. I'm an avid gamer and I see no way I can make money competitively out of that. I play Dota/Dota 2 a lot for those of you who can relate and I much prefer that world to the "real" one. In the game I know what the system is like, the strategy that should be followed, the moves I make are executed perfectly (almost) and a nice coordination with the team wins you a sweet battle. It is a great game but in the end it is just a game it translates nil to the real life so passion or not, it doesn't help. And to go a bit of a tangent, fuck all self help gurus, positive thinking doesn't help in a fucked up negative world, most people can't afford to fail thousands of times before they succeed. Most people can't manipulate every thought in their head to be supportive, and most people don't have the willpower to stick to an action plan no matter what. People are very intelligent but are emotionally week. Stop trying to exploit people for profit. Bunch of fucking scam artists. They make people feel worse by setting such a high standard for people to follow to be successful.
So as for passions, I have none that are useful or that can be monetized, I am lazy as hell and I want to quit my job knowing that I have nothing significant to rely on once I do quit/get fired. This may sound illogical, and it is. But people aren't driven as much by logic as they are driven by emotions.
Thanks for reading, I hope you all a good life, however you define it.