What am I? Who am I? WHY am I?
I have no idea. Why am I the way I am? There's so much to say, I don't know where to even begin. I never was good at socialising with other people, never. I can be very fluent and I can be funny, but there's something that always creeps up from inside me and stops me in my tracks - and then I can't talk anymore. That something is disgust - not with others, but myself. I hate myself, I am absolutely disgusted with myself. Ever since I was little I have been good at many things. I learnt how to read when I was 3, write when I was 4 and speak English when I was 6 (it isn't my 1st language). I beat the local chess champion of our community who at the time was 32 and I was only 8. My mom's always thought that I am some sort of genius or something, because I always pick up everything so quickly. This, in itself could be great and I would have a reason to take pride in it, BUT...there's another, much darker side to me. I committed my 1st theft when I was friggin 4 years old. I stole my grandmo's welfare, which was paid in full every 4th of the following month and I knew exactly where it was being kept. Soon after that, I stole from my mother, it kind of became like an addiction. The candy and other sweets I could buy for the money was only a part of it, everytime I snatched some money there was like an electric jolt running through me, I remember the sensation clear as day, I got beat every time I stole money, but it didn't matter to me. Soon after it was school time, all the thefts kind of stagnated for a while. But only for a little while. I figured out how to find out what the PIN number of my mom's and dad's credit card was and it was deja vu all over again, this time, bigger amounts.
The material damage I've caused, however, is just the beginning and it's insignificant next to my biggest sin, which seems to me like an everlasting mark on my forehead. I am a liar, through and through. It's like a second nature for me to lie about something. Again, there are meaningless lies I've told, like we all have, but there are the lies that are eating what little is left of my soul. I don't have friends, there's 1 girl I know and to whom I talk to from time to time. I don't know if she is a friend, be it am I a friend for her or just some guy she knows back from high school days. I think it's the latter, I don't even have to think, I know so. How can I ever call her something that even remotely is linked to the meaning "friend"? She doesn't know me at all, all she knows about me is just another LIE. Lies here, lies there, lies evey f... where. She thinks I have other friends, because I have led her to believe so as with eveything about myself. I maybe have told the truth once for every 10 lies in my life and even then it's not 100% correct, there is always room for exaggerations just to make myself seem better in any given way. It's PATHETIC!!!! I'm always acting as if I believe in my own B***S***. I have acted as if I'm talking to somebody on the phone near her, or back in school days during some events just to make it look like I have a life and as if it was actually worth something, but the reality is that I'm just talking to my alter ego, who in return is laughing his A off in my mind about what a loser I am. Whenever I pretend success, there's failure. Whenever I pretend to tell the truth, there are LIES. My whole life is a joke, it's a lie, everything.
Now I'm 21 and I am completely messed up. I have debts, I have a job which I can't be bothered to attend to. Making up different lies to tell to my mom and to my boss about why I can't work at any given day. There is just 1 thing that has changed about me. I'm no longer a thief. Given it has taken me (4-20) 16-17 years to accomplish, how long more will it take for me to slowly start looking like a human being??
I'm not big on the concepts of nihilism, but when I think about my life, again and again I find myself in front of 3 doors. 1st, to continue living the way I do, make my whole me just another fantasy. 2nd, through some miracle, make a confession, to everybody, especially to that 1 girl, which in turn means I will have start anew, from page 1, somewhere far from where I am now, because my own mother wouldn't want to know me if she ever found out, let alone that girl. And the 3rd option is the simplest of them all, end this miserable existence and commit suicide.
So what do I do? As I said I don't believe in nihilism. Were I to commit suicide it would have to be due to the fact that I have no purpose. I would like to believe that it was true, it would all seem so logical to me then, that I was just a mis calculation by God. (I do not believe in God as in the Bible or any other religion, I do believe in a higher power that has created this existence, I only refer to that power as God) But I don't think I'm without a purpose. And if my life's purpose was to end, then it will, sooner or later, but in the meantime there has to be something else. I don't think I'm given these great skills of lying and creating illusions to seek employment in a telemarketing company. So what is it then, so far I've been doing nothing but chasing my own tail to no end. I don't feel that I'm quite ready to die yet, but if I feel that way, then there has to be a reason for it. How come I don't know what it is, yet I know there is something.
What am I then?