I'm 21 years old, I have been employed roughly 3 months out of the last 4 years. Today at 10:27am I was overtaken by fear, and my plan to go job hunting wich hours ago was coupled with enthusiasm and anticipation is now wrought by despair and in serious doubt. This has happened more than a few times before. I make solid plans to look for work but now as always I start worrying about what people will think of me and it's unsettling, discomforting even disturbing. My best guess is that my deep seated fear is a result of being routinely terrorized by my father while still a very young child. I've been in some sort of traumatized stupor for my entire life. Now I just feel like the wax coating on a roll of cheese; a plastic shell D:
I suppose it's a moral weakness that keeps me in the same old slump. I think that maybe when ones family lets them down they cease to give anyone else the chance. the only deep relationships I'v had are the first ones. I only ever got close to my family, people who have hurt me trumendously. I live a bitter, lonely terribly painful life with no respite. I am nothing in life, I know no one. and worse still, the entire city knows that I'm a nutty fuck-tard. I've made that very clear with a lifetime of odball behavior and five years filled with the crem de la creme of neurotic, narcissitic, depraved ramblings, complaints over the top screams and crazed writings that I've posted on facebook and emailed/fb to people. It's literally a nightmare, It's me sitting here in my tiny room alone for years, dying of sorrow and anguish and regret.