In Office Space where Peter tells the hypnotherapist that everyday is the worst day of his life, that is how I am feeling right now. The strangest thing is that everything in my life is great. I have just graduated from University, landed one of the best jobs in my field, I have a great family and a great girlfriend but I am completely miserable. I feel so trapped by their expectations of me, but what is worse I am trapped by my expectations for myself. There is a major disjunction between who I am and the life that I am living. I don't know how much longer I can keep this charade up. I have tried so long to fake it until I make it, but it seems I have wasted so much of time and wronged so many people the way I have behaved and squandered so many opportunities to truly be happy, to truly be myself. I want to run away from everything, but I know that would a futile attempt because the person I want to run away from is myself, and no matter how far I go I know he will eventually catch up to me.
I have long been contemplating what exactly I want to escape from but I come up empty handed with results and so I am left with this feeling of complete helpless misery. I can graduate from school, find a good job, convince people to love me and like my company but in pursing all these frivoles goals I must have missed something important. Something important but how to live, about how to be happy with myself. I know how fortunate I am, born in a first world country with affluent parents who care about me, but still I have let them down, I have let myself down, maybe the expectation of being happy is too much for me. But these thoughts have thrown me into very deep depression like I am trying to climb a hill of ice, never to reach to top, only to make my way up a bit and then slip back down.