I can feel the depression coming back again. I worked so hard for so long to stop that from happening. I ignored problems, let things slide, pretended everything was fine. I thought everything was fine. I am afraid it will become unmanageable again. I don't want to fall back into that abyss again. I can't sleep. Even if I wanted to, i'm up all night with the newborn anyway, so whats the point of trying that? Can't eat. Every time I try to it goes right through me. My stomach is all knotted up. Loosing more and more weight every day. Been taking way too many drugs, just to try to keep my emotions numb, but it doesn't work any more. I'm so tired all the time. Being in pain doesn't help. I try to sleep but I just lay there awake all night. I can't clear my mind. My body hurts so bad. So what do I do? I know, i'll pop a pill, right? That will help and make it all better. But it doesn't. It just makes me sad. Want to cry all the time these days. But I'm suppose to be the strong one. I have three children that look to me for guidence. What am I suppose to do for them. I can't support them. Can't find a job. Their fathers a lazy dead beat. There is someone else interested but this ain't the first time. Or the second. Or the third. I am afraid to uproot my life again. I may be unhappy but at least things are semi-stable. I don't want to get hurt. I've heard it all before. I love you. I need you. I want to help you take care of your children. I will never leave. I will love you forever. None of the others were serious about it, why should this one be any different? Not to mention my husband would probably kill me. He doesn't want to love me right, but he doesn't want any one else to either. I don't want to fall in love again. I don't ever want to have to love anyone but my children. They will never hurt me. Or rip my heart out. Or stab me in the back. They will always love me. That should be enough. I ask my mom and she said it's just post-partum depression. Take a pill, go see a shrink. It's just your hormones, get over it. But is that really all it is? I don't know what to do about anything anymore. He says he loves me and he wants to help me. I want to believe hi. I swore to myself a long time ago i'd never fall into that trap again. i got around and around and always end up back at the beginning anyway so why bother trying? I feel like I need a good cry but no matter how much I cry and cry and cry, it feels like it's not enough. So I just take more drugs instead. They use to numb but they don't work any more. So I take more and more. Nothing helps. My heart hurts. My soul feels heavy, weighed down. My spirit seems snuffed out. Every thing is just gone. I'm way too young to feel so defeated. I don't know what to do anymore.