Long.. I don't know what to do with my life. I have no interests, passion or zest for anything really. I have now accepted the fact that I'm having a major identity crisis and had so much potential to be someone important but I blew it. I come from a small town and a family that works hard. I'm weirdly quiet for some odd reason and have grown into a hermit all my life. I quit so many things in life, sports, jobs. I hate myself because I look back and wish I because I fear that I will never be good at what I do. I have a job where I work silently in the back of a very popular co. but I think they might fire me because I have a hard time communicating and selling to customers.
On top of everything else I ruined my reputation when I was 16. I was set up and almost gang raped but a bunch of guys who now tells the whole neighborhood how much of a slut I am saying I got trained on by those guys when it fact only one guy managed to have sex with me. I can't even defend myself because its of course my word against there's. It's my fault anyway for even trusting the guy. It's like all my morals I learned jus went out the window. I then fell into a really deep depression and shut myself away from the world. Last year I rekindled a friendship I had with someone in the past and then we started going out. couple months later, one of his cousins who heard of the story of me from four years ago told him while disrespecting the shyt out of me in front of him. I know he was embarrassed because I would be too. When I finally moved on from the situation, it was brought back in my face. fml well I deserve it. Now my bf or ex is super depressed or stressed out because he feels everything is falling apart. Ppl say slick stuff to him for being in a relationship with me and being that I was supposed to be his girl and be honest about everything, I blew it. I should have told him from the start since we been together for almost 8 months. he's been getting into trouble and been very restless. I took away his peace of mind, I think I ruined a lil of his rep and his trust. Now he's not sure how to go on either, he told me he wanted to die and I felt soo horrible because he has so much potential :.( I've also been battling these thoughts of suicide for almost 3years now that im just done with everything and see no other choice. Last month was the last straw but I felt bad for leaving him in my mess I made. i thought he'd be like everyone else and just move on to the next girl. He turned down so many opportunities of getting to know other girls while with me now looking back he shouldn't of have. I should have disappeared a long time ago so I wouldn't have to hurt anyone else. I want him to be happy again but I know he wont when he thinks about the time wasted with me. and like he tries to keep making it work with me and keep me around, but its not right or fair to him. He has his moments when his head is down then I feel like lower than crap. I keep telling him its best to move forward and maybe find someone better if he chooses.
Biggest regret was when a friends mom helped me get into a 4yr college the week before classes started last year then I moved back home like a dummy. I was stuck with all bs electives both sems but don't get me wrong I got good grades but whats the point if you cant apply the knowledge learned. I felt bad that I couldnt decide on a major for the life of me and felt that I wasting parents money since I didn't get scholarships like my older sister and missed the eof deadline. I'm so dumb because I forgot the goal of moving out of the bad neighborhood I live in and came back home to it. I really made the worst choices in life and is still making more. I thought of just trying vocational but then soon realized that i would be the only one of the ppl I went to school with who didnt get a degree. I started taking this cna class but now I dont think its for me (psychic even told me) but because my anxiety kicks up and Im too depressed to concentrate in class. Im afraid to quit because I quit so many other things before. once again im wasting time opportunities and money.
Everyone tells me im beautiful but what good is it to even accept the compliments since I lack personality, ambition, self esteem and motivation. I believe im brain dead for the stupid choices I made. I often daydream and wish i could go back in time and change things. This post is just as pathetic as my life but idk what to do about it. I know I am annoying my mom and 2close friends for sounding down all the time. God truly blessed me with a healthy life but I ruined it. I count my blessings but its outnumbered by my failures. I just hope God finds some grace in me when that time comes.