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Why me?

Posted by sarah at July 2, 2012
Tags: Jul2012

i came from a really very overprotected family whenever i come from school i go staight to home. I've never had any friends but when i do have a friend i could never see them outside of school. In middle school people bullied a lot calling me ugly because i was skinny, big hair, braces, a long neck, flat chested and was always shy and quiet and that was the same year where i developed social anxiety. i have been through hell from middle until my sophmore year in high school. When i was 15 and a half i drasticaly changed i gained at least 20 pounds and it went to the good parts of my body. My breast filled out from a barely B cup to a DD cup, my butt went from non existent but to a J-lo bubble butt, i grew taller, I got my braces taken off and my whole appearance drastically changed. I got attention from people real quick. Guys that use to torment and bullied me start being nice, saying not only that i was the most beautifrul girl at school but that i was the most beautiful girl in the world and i was asked out on dates constantly. But of course i rejected them because of the hell they put me through and because i was painfully and disabling shy around boys. That's when the whole school got mad and jealous at me and start calling me a whore, slut and saying that i had plastic surgery. But i didn't care because i got use to all the harrassment anyways. I had never dated anyone in school because i knew that i would be saving myself for someone special and that i would lose my virginity until i get married so i won't have my heart broken and be like a slut like most of these girls in my school but that was what i thought. when I was 18 i was walking my dog down to park, btw it was 6 pm. And there was this man who look like he was in his 30's trying to talk to me in his pickup truck but i didn't say anything i try to walk away but then he quickly got out of his truck and started chasing me i tried to ran as fast as i could but he was too fast and then he push me down to the ground and lay on top of me and started raping me. i told him too stop and i was still virgin but he kept on going. that was the worst and agonizing 30 minutes of my life. i felt so ashamed and dirty i didn't want anbody to know that was raped. so i limped home and taken a shower and got into bed crying the whole time. when my mom came into my bedroom askin me what was wrong i lied to her and told her that a girl had bullied me but i knew i should've told to her the truth and thinking back then i knew that was the most biggest mistake i have done. At first i was very denial of what happened to me i didn't want to believe that a girl that have never dated or even kissed a guy lost her virginty to an ugly white trash drunken loser. i thought that no one could possibly love me now so i attempted to commit sucicde but each time i couldn't push myself to do it. My whole life changed my whole personality changed. I started to yell and talk back to my parents which i never do, i started to get in fights in school and i started flunking almost every class and later on i dropped out of school. and because my virginty was meaningless sex was meaningless too. so i started to have sex with almost all the guys in the school. i just didn't care anymore i felt like i was dead like my life couldn't get any better. That year was also the same year when i had my first boyfriendd who i was madly in love with btw he was African American. I told my parents that i have a boyfriend and they were concerned but looked forward to see him. When i showed him to my parents my dad was so upset and furious and my mom look confused my dad didn't say anything the whole time my boyfriend was there. My boyfriend then left and my dad start yelling at me and saying why would i be going out with a n***er and that he was the reason why drop out of school which wasn't true i dropped out before i met him. i was so angry that i packed my clothes and left that night to be with my boyfriend. I thought i was living in paradise but soon that paradise turns into hell real quick when he started hitting me. First he started to push me or grab my neck but after he introduce me into drugs thats when the fights gets real aggressive he started slapping, puching and choking me. i was so blinded by being in love and the drug addiction that i couldn't do anything. He then started selling my body for money and letting all of his friends gang rape me. i felt so worthless. I put up with this torture for 2 years until i born my son that is when i know enough is enough and i ran away to a women shelter. Now i am here with 3 year old son and i am suffering from severe depppresion, anxiety, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder and paranoia and i don't know what to do. i want my son to have a great future and a happy childhood but i don't know if i am the right person to give it to him. i just wish life will get better but it can't.


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Comments:
By im StarAnna at 08,Jan,13 04:19

I read your post and cried. You need to know there are people who care!!!
By anonymous at 08,Jan,13 07:39

Ya. I had the same reaction. Why must bad things happen to good people.


By anonymous at 08,Jan,13 05:06

You're one strong woman, you are why there is hope in the world, please, stay strong... you have to continue to believe that things will get better, not only for youself but also for your son! Its human nature to harass anyone who seem even slightly different, so your drastic transformation didnt seem to me of much use either... Im sure you will find well-deserved support soon enough! I know you probably wont read this but its worth a try ;)


By good anonymous at 08,Jan,13 16:11

:( God, I hope things regain meaning for you someday. Maybe life will get better for you because, no matter how many bad people you've met before, know that there are good people out there. And they -will- genuinely be happy to help you.

And remember that if people want to change the way you are, they are not worth having them in your life. Be what you want to be no matter what anyone but you say. There is someone good in you that wants, and deserves, better. Really listen to her deep down. Because what's important is what you are, and not what anyone might think you are, because nobody can tell what you are better than yourself.

I just hope any of this helps, or that you don't even get to need these words, and you've gotten better by now. I wish you all the best. :(
By good anonymous at 08,Jan,13 19:19

Adding to the first paragraph: (so focus on the good people you will meet; not in the bad people you've met.)


By anonymous at 10,Jan,13 00:22

Holy shit, if this story is true, its heart breaking. You could have went straight to the police and got help right after the first sexual assault. That guy might have been put behind bars and paying for it, instead of staying free and possibly doing that again to some one else. You probably realise that now though. Im very sorry you went through all that shit.


By anonymous at 10,Jan,13 04:19

Don't ever give up on yourself or your son. You can do this. Don't let anyone or the past define who you are. You are amazing.


By anonymous at 10,Jan,13 04:47

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28

Psalm 9:9-10

The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, A stronghold in times of trouble, And those who know Thy name will put their trust in Thee; For Thou, O LORD, hast not forsaken those who seek Thee.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 'And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

Jesus loves and knows your pain. He wants a new life for you, and He cares for you deeply. He has a future and a hope for you, don't give up hope. You are a strong incredible woman, your past sufferings remind me of Shelly Lubben (she has an incredible testimoney on Youtube about her past struggles and how she overcame much suffering). Come to know jesus. Join a church, you'll receive comfort and help if needed at a good church.

I will be praying for you,
Regards,


By anonymous at 11,Jan,13 12:01

Holy fuck. that sucks.


By iflb at 13,Jan,13 02:34

I read a lot of stories on this site and have to say yours is the first that made me feel really sad, you seem to be such a good person and shitty people ruined your life.. Sometimes i wish i could be there for people like you just to make you feel better and let you know that someone cares.
Wish you all the best!
:,(


By anonymous at 14,Jan,13 23:58

God loves you and your son. He has not abandoned you. Be strong, girl. NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR INNOCENCE AND PURITY AWAY FROM YOU, as long as you keep your heart full of love, no evil can tarnish that.
No one ever said life would be easy. Sadly, it seems you've met all the wrong people...
You have only love and kindness awaiting you in your future. Be strong!


By anonymous at 15,Jan,13 23:23

You hang around scumbags you get fleas......you had no control over being raped, but everything after that could of been avoided if you would of hung around people you know you could trust. You gotta set boundaries for yourself you just let people take advantage of you. Then again it seems you just don't give a fuck and was naive and self destructive. You need Jesus. God Bless You.


By anonymous at 20,Jan,13 03:09

It will get better... Don't worry... Something good and big is waiting for you..


By Truth at 21,Jan,13 16:35

You sound exactly like my 2nd cousin prisilla. When she was about 13 people thought she was a retard because she constantly farted and then made pig sounds just randomly, like at the dinner table. She was a stick too, and a real ugger. The word "fuck" is an instinctive word, you don't even have to ever have heard it but when the time is right it'll come out, and Prisilla made me understand that. I had never heard the word before in my life, but one day I saw Prisilla when she just woke up and I was like , "Oh FUCK!!! AieeEEE!!! godamn motherfucker you're ugly prisilla!!" and then my uncle, her faggoty dad, kicked my 5 year old ass but it was ok because when I got old and he got older I put on my war boots and kicked the living shit out of him at Savemart where he was shopping for depends. I was like " Hey old man I wouldn't worry about those diapers because once my boot stretches out your ass those ain't gonna help you anymore!" then I just crucified the guy, and threw some past sale date meat at him.

Anyway, Prisilla grew up at about the age of 16. She gained 23 LBS. and it went to her ass and it looked like she was trying to make a living smuggling basketballs made in china into the US. Also, her boobs got bigger but they had areolas that were larger than a fried egg, and more brown than a white girl should have. She still farted quite a lot but stopped making pig sounds. She was like you, still waaaay ugly, but she thought she was the prettiest girl in the world because we had this club in school called the "huge cock club" and all the girls wanted to be with someone in "the huge cock" club and the only was you could get in was to tell my ugger cousin prisilla that she was not only the prettiest girl in the school, but also the world!!! Anyway, she was delusional.

Later, when she got older, she thought it would piss off her old man that I beat the fuck out of by dating black dudes. One time there was this guy named Nigger Bill who was a homeless bum who made a living selling his ass to other bums behind the Johnny Qwik for small change and smoked processed meat products.Prisilla met up with him and a day later they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Nigger Bill beat the shit out of her too, and he knocked her up, or one of his friends did because he'd let them fuck her for free. Her little cumdump produced a halfie that was uglier than even prisilla. I saw him a day after he was born and he looked like a chimpanzee who lost a fight with a wood chipper.

I beat nigger bill almost to death with the handle of an old radio flyer wagon and Prisilla broke up with him. Now she sits around all day acting like the world plots against her and she dresses her son nigger william in girl clothes because she really wanted a daughter. I hate prisilla , and since you're so much like her, I hate you too!

If I were you I'd sell my stinkpit to those same bums behind Johnny Qwik only I'd ask for donuts instead of smoked processed meat products. I would call myself something other than prisilla though, like Fuckwhore the Meatgrinder, or Juicy Wanda.

Well, ,that's about it, Juicy Wanda!


By robbie at 24,Jan,13 21:06

I don't believe in god, but if there is one, I hope that he has good plans for you. I am sorry for everything that u went through.


By anonymous at 04,Mar,13 20:48

Why you? You poor poor thing. I'm trying to think of a million things to say that will get your attention and change your mind some how but I am a stranger on the internet, I highly doubt a few words will help motivate you to change life around. I will keep you in mind and I will hope that life will turn around for you everyday. I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you.


By Heloise at 04,Mar,13 22:21

I was struck by the hnostey of your posting


By anonymous at 10,Mar,13 21:24

your life is terrible.. seriously.. i'm not joking at all.. i'm amazed that a person can have such a terrible life.. wow.. it sounds like no matter what u do ur screwed

i hope u see better days


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