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is there a point to all this?

Posted by anonymous at July 7, 2012
Tags: Jul2012

I am 38, divorced mother of one awesome 9 year old son. My son is the only reason I don't kill myself. It doesn't mean I don't think about it - it just means when I do consider it, I know I would have to make it look like an accident, for his sake.

I lost my job the same year I was divorced, 4 years ago. I've had one job since then, with a horribly abusive boss, each week worked hours without pay, it was really bad. Lasted a year. Without a bachelor's, I can't even get an interview.

After my divorce, I thought I found a guy who really got me, really loved me... turns out I was just an easily duped idiot, and fell for an addict, and his bullshit stories. He's gone - thank God. But I am so ashamed I let an addict manipulate me so completely - I let him into my life and into my son's life. He'll remember growing up with that piece of shit. I lost friends over it, too.

After that mess got sorted - time passed - and it seemed my ex-husband and I might rekindle our relationship. Once we talked about it though - I found that no way in hell was he interested in getting back together. His words - "I would have to be a fucking idiot to want that"
Wow.

I am overweight, trying to lose weight, but every time I "fall off the wagon", I get so discouraged - this year, I have lost net weight of TWO pounds. In 7 months. That's pathetic.

I am falling further into debt since I've gone back to college - so I can get my bachelor's and get a freaking job again.
I am so poor I can never buy my son anything. His father does, all the time.
Some weeks I don't eat meals because I can't afford the food - SO HOW THE FUCK CAN I STILL BE FAT!

Being in college really shows someone my age how old I really am, how unattractive, how little of a chance I have to have the family I always dreamed of having.

I have a great son, and so I am blessed.
But I am in such a hard place right now. I cry myself to sleep most nights, and some mornings I wake up still crying. I try to never let my son see me cry though.
Putting on the happy face every day for the whole world is exhausting.
I don't want to die. But I don't want to live like this anymore, and I keep thinking maybe an accident would be best - tragic to have me taken from my son, but the life insurance money might be better for him than I am.

I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone, and so don't even want to be around people.
How am I supposed to be any kind of Mom to my son like this?
I have no idea how to get my head on straight, and I just keep getting more and more depressed.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
life is pointless July 24, 2010
Absurdism April 3, 2011
What's The Point? March 19, 2012
What's the point? December 21, 2010
What is the meaning of all this ? January 21, 2012



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 14,Mar,13 19:35

Just hang in there.
You are definitely a beautiful strong woman and mother of a lovely son.
Live for your son, it'll keep him happy by just having your presence there.
Life is rough and it'll only be rougher if you put your mind in that negative tone.

I wish you luck and dont give up.


By anonymous at 16,Mar,13 07:02

First.. if you will do the research, you will see that when you starve yourself that your body goes into a metabolic shock. That is to say that it uses very little and holds onto every ounce of fat it can. Your body thinks that you are starving and is trying to preserve itself. That would explain alot of your bad mood because no one is going to feel great while starving. Your body is telling you that something is wrong.. listen to it.
Second.... He is gone, let him go... your son needs a mommy that can show him how to get back up once you've fallen down.
Third... Don't give up hope. When I met my wife she had a little girl from another man(her ex), whom I have come to call my own. I have even adopted her officially, so if you are about to think that your son is going to be a problem for you meeting someone, think again.
Fourth... My wife has always been overweight but it is her personality and the way she makes me feel about myself that I fell in love with. I would willingly die or kill for her, and hold my head high for doing so.
Last point... Don't give up. Life WILL get better if you will put forth the effort to pave your own way.
Good guys are out here. Attractive good guys are out here. Just trust that one will find you, and be a little more patient. I see good things for you sister.
By anonymous at 16,Mar,13 07:13

Oh and P.S.
I am an addict, been clean for quite some time now, and married for 10 years of that. I go to meetings, work a program, and call my sponsor regularly.

We aren't bad people, we just made bad choices at some point. So please, if just for my sake, use the term "addict" lightly. There is a big difference between being an "addict", and someone caught in the grip of "active addiction", that is to say, currently abusing drugs.


By Cry Me a River at 17,Mar,13 22:54

Do something for yourself, stop whining like a kid. Move it now....


By anonymous at 18,Mar,13 02:58

aw this is so sad!! if u wanna talk u can message me on kik or something!!! i wish the best for u and anyone else thats depressed enough to be on this website :)))
By anonymous at 19,Mar,13 02:35

my username is riceburger :) i totally forgot to mention that haha
By anonymous at 23,Mar,13 05:20

Hey, im feeling really down can i add you and we could maybe talk?


By anonymous502.myopenid.com at 21,Mar,13 00:50

first of all life insurance policies do not pay for anything but death by natural causes damn near. it's damn near impossible to fake anything and get away with it. keep in mind there greedy companies who will get your death thoroughly investigated lol even more so than the worthless government would do if there weren't corporate money on the line. and while you are poor and feel worthless you be happy you are part of us. the majority. going back to school may not get you that great job. america sold us out long ago and damn near all jobs dont pay shit and are almost not worth it at all. it's just the way it is. good thing is that you should be able to get government benefits to live because your a single mother welfare and section 8 so you wont be totally screwed. just keep working at it though and dont give up. im totally screwed myself and just taking it day by day doing the best i can. when life dealt me nothing but lemons you know what i said i said fuck you life but i'm not giving up. i'm gonna keep trying cause maybe i'll invent the next lemonade.
By anonymous at 22,Mar,13 06:24

wow thats deep mate...u speak like you have experience


By anonymous at 22,Mar,13 05:31

if u gonna kill ur freakin self go uckin do it. DO NOT TELL THE WORLD. NO 1 IS GONNA TRY N STO U
By anonymous at 22,Mar,13 06:23

why are you being so harsh and negative!!?


By anonymous at 23,Mar,13 09:26

Yoooooooloooooooo


By anonymous at 24,Mar,13 19:33

just kill yourself if it's really that bad, so that your son at least has his dad.


By Truth at 14,Apr,13 19:01

I knew this gal once whose name was Lisa Jenkins, but we called her Fat Tammy because she was fat and she looked like this other girl named Tammy except 400 lbs more and and after her face went thru the dryer with my track cleats and a live grenade.

Anyway, Fat Tammy was a lot like you. She married young and popped out a little tithugger right away. She had it rough too, because she was on that show "I didn't know I was pregnant" and we all made fun of her pretty much every day at the Johnny Qwik where she worked as a cashier/Bobby Salazar/Subway foodmaker. We'd buy the bags of unshelled peanuts and then go up to her and say " Here ya go Babar, peanuts for your trunk!"

Anyway, her son was named Nicholas, but he had a lisp so he always pronounced it "Nicholith" , whcih we all made fun of as well. He wasn't a good boy, like Fat Tammy would say, but she wasn't a good mom either, kinda like you!

...anyway, Fat Tammy got to be so gross her husband left her and Nicholith to fnd for themselves, and Nicholith turned out to be a serial rapist of neighborhood dogs.

But I digress.

...turns out Fat Tammy had a glandular problem, she ate too many glands....and chips, and corn dogs, and subway sammiches that she'd fuck up on purpose so she'd have to make the customer a new sammich and then she'd eat the old one, and pretty much everything else she could find to shove in her fat fucking elephant face. I saw her eat some old lady's Bichon Frise' pooch once while the old bat was taking a dump in the station shitter.

...and she always wondered why she was so fat, given that she "never got to eat anything...."

so then in a final attempt to get her shit together she went back to school to pursue her degree in Women's Literature, so that she'd have a chance to be the CEO of Ebay....and that hasn't worked out yet, but she did get promoted to assistant custodian at Johnny Qwik.

Anyway, long story short, Fat Tammy is still Fat Tammy, and Nicolith is doing a dime at the new mens facility in Chowchilla for putting his hot dog IN dogs. Point is, nothing will ever change for pigfucks like you, who make the assumption that it's the world against YOU. The reality is that the rest of the world wishes you'd just shut the fuck up already and either embrace the amputative beauty of diabetes and laser hair removal, or quit eating a bunch of shit all day every day and then claiming you don't.

Make no mistake, you ARE killing yourself, just not fast, like with a gun.

I very much hate you.
By broken at 19,Apr,13 00:04

Truth I seriously would totally gargle you balls in rl. You're funnier than Benny Hill and Chris Rock playing stereotypical black policeman


By i am an ass rapist at 19,May,13 06:19

are you happy?


By anonymous at 31,Jul,13 06:16

the best thing you can give is love not wealth.if you dont give your love during these difficult situation he will lose the interest towards living.....make your kid feel he is loved
abundantly..love is far more important than material wealth..LOVE


By anonymous at 21,Aug,13 16:35

I do feel for the woman and her situation. Some people with their little bullshit stories amaze me, you don't want to hear complaints, yet you choose to be on a site like this? It's people like that that irritate the shit out of me! Someties just writing out a problem and having a listening ear helps get your head on straight, so you thin skins need to find something else to do besides pick on people with valid problems!


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