I am 38, divorced mother of one awesome 9 year old son. My son is the only reason I don't kill myself. It doesn't mean I don't think about it - it just means when I do consider it, I know I would have to make it look like an accident, for his sake.
I lost my job the same year I was divorced, 4 years ago. I've had one job since then, with a horribly abusive boss, each week worked hours without pay, it was really bad. Lasted a year. Without a bachelor's, I can't even get an interview.
After my divorce, I thought I found a guy who really got me, really loved me... turns out I was just an easily duped idiot, and fell for an addict, and his bullshit stories. He's gone - thank God. But I am so ashamed I let an addict manipulate me so completely - I let him into my life and into my son's life. He'll remember growing up with that piece of shit. I lost friends over it, too.
After that mess got sorted - time passed - and it seemed my ex-husband and I might rekindle our relationship. Once we talked about it though - I found that no way in hell was he interested in getting back together. His words - "I would have to be a fucking idiot to want that"
I am overweight, trying to lose weight, but every time I "fall off the wagon", I get so discouraged - this year, I have lost net weight of TWO pounds. In 7 months. That's pathetic.
I am falling further into debt since I've gone back to college - so I can get my bachelor's and get a freaking job again.
I am so poor I can never buy my son anything. His father does, all the time.
Some weeks I don't eat meals because I can't afford the food - SO HOW THE FUCK CAN I STILL BE FAT!
Being in college really shows someone my age how old I really am, how unattractive, how little of a chance I have to have the family I always dreamed of having.
I have a great son, and so I am blessed.
But I am in such a hard place right now. I cry myself to sleep most nights, and some mornings I wake up still crying. I try to never let my son see me cry though.
Putting on the happy face every day for the whole world is exhausting.
I don't want to die. But I don't want to live like this anymore, and I keep thinking maybe an accident would be best - tragic to have me taken from my son, but the life insurance money might be better for him than I am.
I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone, and so don't even want to be around people.
How am I supposed to be any kind of Mom to my son like this?
I have no idea how to get my head on straight, and I just keep getting more and more depressed.