LIFE SUCKS

I'm fucked in the head

I am a 16 year old, upper middle class,female, living in England. I live with my parents, who brought me up protestant christian, but I'm atheist and my brother often comes back from university for holidays, i am dyslexic (which can be annoying but oh well)I have relatively good grades and in September i will begin studying horse training. I have been riding horses since i was 6 and i love the thrill of it. I have my own horse and i want to make a career of it.I bet your thinking what a spoiled little bitch, complaining about her perfect life. I have friends(not popular not unpopular)i think I'm relatively attractive but i would personally like to lose a little weight, but doesn't every teenage girl. So, board yet? I know i am, and that my problem(or one of them)i love and hate my life, it seems so perfect but I'm board, i have a very hectic life but noting happens. I love a thrill, danger, but not the type you get from a roller coaster. Its hard to explain, i feel like i am screaming inside my own head.I want to someone to hurt me, i want to feel pain (emotionally) just to release my mind from perpetual boredom, I've wondered what it would be like to kill someone, or kill myself, i almost did once just based on curiosity. Everyone is so fucking boring, i want a puzzle, or a fright. I do role-plays in my head of someone trying to rape me, just so have have an excuse to stab them, just to make myself a little more interesting. I don't think I'm a psychopath as i do feel guilt. However i almost never feel empathy, i do occasionally for homeless people and starving children, but when my friend got raped, i didn't care, i even thought she kind of deserved it for being stupid enough to walk i not that trap, even after i warned her about it. I'm not complaining, i just wanted to speak up. And do you know what is the worst thing, i actually like that I'm so fucked. It makes me a little more interesting.