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no will to live... no will to die

Posted by Why at August 7, 2010
Tags: Attitude  2010 August  Health

lets see where should i begin...

Had no life in my school years. no clubs. always the loner weird kid. went through many psychiatrists and they diagnosed me with autism which i am ashamed about.
almost dropped out of high school and stopped talking to my friends so i had to go to more psychiatrists because of depression and lack of motivation. I lived in my head and kids in hs mostly avoided me or felt sorry. ive never dated or even flirted or kissed a guy.

Fast forward to college. I got good grades but weaseled my way out of social parts of college like speaking in front of class. haven't made a friend yet. I'm aloof and dont know how to stop being this way. still not sure if i do.
lets go back to last year. i started having realy bad body image probs and thought i was transsexual. Today i still dress and look like a guy, with the intention of looking like one, and im not a lesbian, (or even really sexual at all) so it kind of confuses people....

never done drugs (cept psych meds), drank alcohol, or partied.

heres the zinger (or not)!...
i had started talking on the phone last year to a guy, from a chatroom, who is notoriously insane. over winter break we talked for long hours (in my room) and he would mostly rant and rave to me about truly insane things and philosophies. back then i knew he was insane but liked him cuz hes kinda "fringe" like me...
i was spending.... basically wasting extremely regrettable amounts of time listening to him ramble. he could type and talk 1000 bibles-worth.
i became attached to him and came back to his crazy ramble like a drug!
so. this spring i transferred from comm. college to uni. i got a single dorm. and over this spring felt my mind truly rot out, as i felt alone and was talking to this guy who actually almost brainwashes me into his schizophrenic delusion world.. it was like i volunteered for hypnosis yet the things he said are so implausible and ridiculous that nobody in their right mind would believe it (huh...). he would basically tell delusional stories in the context of random thoughts and songs. by the end of last semester, i was so scared of being alone in my dorm i moved out asap.

so here i am writing this at the computer i spent all summer long on
oh and also, this summer, i hardly go out, still have no friends, and all 3 of my pets died. AWESOME

well at least i learned a few things over this pathetic, sheltered excuse of a life. one is, the mind is a powerful thing. and 2 is, even if it is the most ridiculous bs you ever heard, if someone pounds it into your head enough, even a schizophrenic, you can be brainwashed. wait. why am i giving advice to people who most likely have more life experience than me despite reading/posting on this site?

man i should just go on craigslist already and get devirginized...


Votes:


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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 27,Aug,10 18:19

Wow. What in the wide world is going on here. Sounds like you need to go out into the sun and go for a long walk. Let the sun shine on you and soak up its rays. You are a child of God and He loves you more than you can imagine. Trust in Him. Pray to Him with sincerity and be believing He will answer your prayers. Pray and ask Him for peace and comfort and guidance. He will give it to you. Keep trying your best and things will get better. Hang in there! Serve someone and that will lift your spirits fast.


By anonymous at 29,Aug,10 18:21

Hey, listen. Don't "go on craigslist and get devirginized" alright? You sound like an amazing person to me. Don't go ruining it and making it worse. There's a chance that there's someone out there that will think you are more than %100 awesome and amazing - heck, your "autistic, never engaged in any substance abuse" description sounds pretty wonderful to me. And I don't say this because I'm coming on to you or anything. This is the internet. I don't know you - you don't know me. I'm saying this because, again, there IS someone out there who IS a good, nice person and who DOES happen to think that the very things about yourself that you have certain problems or issues with actually is their own IDEAL . . . the very thing that they'd want in someone.

Okay, okay . . . It's not like it's a certainty that you'll actually FIND something or someone like this, but, again, going "on craidslist and getting devirginized" is NOT the thing to do. Go on some dating site and see if you can find someone who's compatible with you. What about that?

Anyway . . . Don't do anything stupid. You sound like a person with good potential. Don't make it worse.

Best,


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