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Posted by D at August 31, 2010
Tags: 2010 August  Philosophical

My name is D_____ and I'm writing this really just to clear my head, vent a little, and maybe get something across. I live in Louisville and have lived here my whole life. And as far as my life goes, it's been fairly pleasent. A typical child with typical child problems. Now, however, things are not so good. In fact it's unbearable. (Though I'm not one of these overly dramatic teenagers who lives in a white surburbian nieghberhood and who thinks that the world doesn't understand them). I now live with my older sister. I have lived with her for two years now. I want to move - I want to leave! But my problem is is that I have no way of leaving. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, I don't even have a license. I'm completely dependent on other people. I would like to move to a nice, quite place in the country. Maybe rent a cottage in a very wooded area. That is my dream. But I have no way off accomplishing it. And everybody is so quick to remind me that before I can do that I have to do this, as if I had forgotten the last six or seven times they've reminded me!. But that is on the outside; and at a distance doesn't seem so bad. On the inside, howevere, is much more complicated and draining. Before I continue I think I should inform you that I was diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and my have autism (but I doubt that). As for my outlook on life and the world you would say that I'm Nihilistic. I despise the way people do and accept things, I despise the religion, I despise bureaucracy, I despise Capitalism, I despise Socialism, I despise Communism, I despise Anaracism (which is Communism for you anarco-capitalists), I despise materialism, I despise spirituality, I despise morality and laws (law is the moraility of the State), I despise culture, I despise society, I despise civilization. . . I wouldn't say it is Nihilism, but Mordrenism. But I'm not the type to say that the world and life sucks and exlude myself from it, because the thing I despise the most is myself. Though I'v had a relitivally easy live, that doesn't stop me. I'm small, I'm pale, I have rather bad acne on my face, chast and back; I am a virgin and have never had a girlfriend and I'll probably die alone. Most of these could be my fault, I'll admit. I find people to be grotesque caricitures and I the world to be a charade. I would like to try to convey my thoughts more articulately but then speech is linier and my thoughts are rather chaotic. I might be going mad, but madness is the spice of life. In fact I occasionally have episodes of what seems to be an "existential crisis", where it feels like I'm on the brink to nothingness and feel as though I'm evaporating. I'v been told that I should see a doctor and talk to someone, but 'what will that do?', I say. My problem is modernity. My promlem, if it is to be called a problem, is the way the world is. The only thing a doctor would do is presrcib medication (I have been medication before). I'm "young" but I feel old. I have ambitions. I would like to be a musician, (but as somebody here has said, I can only play what other people have done), I would like to be a writer, (but I have no original ideals of my own). Maybe I should just find some dead end job and force myself to happy with it. It seems to work for almost everyone. And to people who would tell me to just commit suicide - I respect people who have the courage to commit suicide, but that's something I don't think I can do. Well, bye.


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... April 18, 2012



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Comments:
By anonymous at 15,Oct,10 01:31

Yo man,
Uhh whoever's telling you to see a doctor, well it sounds like you're going through major depression. Go see a doctor.

But if you really despise doctors than maybe you should just leave. Pack up and leave. Walk/hitchhike South, try living in a third world country for a bit. Maybe get in contact with a a volunteer organization and tell him you're free for hire you just need room and board.

Then maybe you'll see that you have absolutely nothing to despise. But if you're living in a third world country and you're still depressed. Go see a doctor.


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