Well, here i sit... listening to La Coka Nostra on spotify… i just opened a letter about 1 hour ago where it basically said “you are fired”.
This is a job a 10 year old kid can do and I’m 21. I struggled very much in school and didn’t get any help so at the end I just didn’t give a fuck about school… and now I pay the price for it, I’m a nobody, nothing, a waist of life, and a waist of fresh air. I have bills way over my head and I have no money, no social life what so ever… almost no friend, just the retards no one wants to be seen with. My friend over 8 years turned out to be the guy who always want to push my face in dogshit, bragging over his life, that he has a car that sat him back 50,000 dollars, and he is the guy who calls his bank and get his balance read out on the speaker…. What kind a fuckface does that? But he lives at home at the age of 23 or 24, so i really don’t give a shit! I almost don’t remember shit of my first ten -twelve years of my life, don’t know if it’s because my mom is an alcoholic… and I simply suppressed it all… the things I do remember is very short flashes and a drunk ass mom on Christmas and new year’s eve several times, and a drunk ass grandmother and grandfather, I wish I had the balls my brother has, who left home at the age of 15 and never looked back. And my father… well he’s a sailor more precisely a captain, he has taken me places I would never have the chance to see, but he of Corse is a fuckup… he is going to marry his 20 year old Brazilian booty call, and is buying her all kinds of shit… but when I ask for just as much as 50 dollars he’s losing it, going on that he don’t have money… and I have no freaking idea about how many sisters or brothers I have because of my father, as they say “one woman in every port” well I don’t doubt it! And yes, my parents are divorced, and yes both my father and my mother said for endless of years “don’t be like your father” and “don’t be like your mother” and as a result here I sit, alone and If I see a bottle of liquor I freak, I have a twisted look on women as a thing, not a person because of my father, as a result I’d rather don’t get into a relationship with a girl to save her the trouble. and every person who touch a bottle of liqueur or bear I automatically think of they as an alcoholic, that’s why I don’t drink, I know it’s not the way it is but it’s the way I have been told it is, and the way I have experienced it. And emotionally I’m welded shut don’t really know why or how this happened… but it did, and it’s not easy to break it, no matter what you say to yourself it don’t help, I’m like a tinted windshield, I can see out and see other people’s emotions, but no one can see mine. Maybe I’m a good actor, what do I know. I’m the guy who don’t go out so much, only when I need to buy groceries, sometimes I’m towed out of my apartment to some family event, where my cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents and what have you comes all up in your face asking you what you are working with, like they give a shit, it’s just the average conversation starter… and also they are all say “what are you doing outside?” or “can I get a picture to document that you have been outside?” And inside I just want to jump up and snap the neck of that person, but you have to play the game that everything is OK and that you’re like the next guy, so I put a smile on my face, just wishing I could be half way around the world.
Sometimes I just wish my apartment would just burn down while I am sleeping
I don’t know if this qualify as a shity life, but I just needed to get it out!