I read a few of the stories here... and I feel a little guilty consider how much worse other people have had it than me... I've never abused drugs or alcohol. I wasn't raped, molested, or abused. I have (I originally typed 'had') two great parents, an excellent education, and a pretty good job.
I find myself envious of the strength some of the people have displayed on this site. Despite their bad luck and misfortune, a good number of stories end with the person continuing on waiting for a better day. I envy that optimism. In the face of infinite hardship, they can still hang in there.
Contrast that with me. I'm 29, almost 30 with my whole life ahead of me, and have been considering throwing in the towel. Why? Just because. In comparison my reasons are incredibly lame. Does that mean I've changed my mind? Sadly, it hasn't swayed me one way or the other. Everyone's life and reason are different. I guess that's what makes life interesting.
I found that my beliefs, the things I have built my life upon, have come into conflict with the world, society and culture at large. Could I make new beliefs? Probably, but it feels as though I would only be lying to myself and living life as a hypocrite... Thou shalt not kill. Did you kill someone? Okay, Thou shalt not kill more than once. Did it again? Thou shalt not kill more than... oh... what's a good number? (It's not the same but maybe you get the idea).
On one hand, we're told to pursue whatever makes you happy. Never let anything stand in your way. Want to be rich? Start your own business. If it fails... keep trying. Yet... in reality, you are not allowed to pursue what makes you happy if it makes someone else miserable...
I do finally believe that dating is a numbers game. Unfortunately, that only serves to cheapen it. Eventually, you become so desperate or lonely that your standards get chipped away one by one until you marry someone that meets or exceeds your current level of eroded-ness (read: rotting on the inside). You have kids, grow old, and die. But deep down inside, I know what really happened. We compromised. We compromised on what we really wanted so that we wouldn't be alone anymore. I'm just upset it took me this long to realize it.
Yes, if I asked out every girl from here to China, I'd find one that would want to marry me. Hell, I might even find one that wanted to marry me and was marginally attractive. But stop. Please. Think about it. What would be the point if we randomly closed our eyes and just picked anyone.
I just don't "buy into" life anymore. It's full of broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. How can you be happy if it makes someone else miserable? If you knew you would become a murderer or rapist, would you kill yourself to stop it from happening? Is this how they felt before they "did it" or am I just trying to justify my irrational actions?
Well, one thing is certain, life is very confusing. The only reason we keep living is because, when we close our eyes at night and go to sleep, we wake up the next day (auto-magically). I contend that if it weren't so easy to live, very few would choose to. If, before you went to bed, you had to climb a mountain before you woke up the next day, I doubt very many would.
And so, like so many others here, even though my reasons pale in comparison, I keep going. One day at a time. Why? Because every time I go to bed, I wake up.
Until the day I don't.
Ellery | |
Ya, tell me about it! I went through and am still going through the same thing. It's like an onion, as you grow up you keep peeling away the layers of life and find it's more and more rotten under each layer (which looked so nice on the outside).
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