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I am a 26 year old virgin male with terrible anxiety.

Posted by anonymous at October 2, 2010
Tags: Anxiety  Attitude  Loneliness  2010 October

It took me essentially my entire life, until maybe a year ago after an incident I'll get to, to realize that no one ever loved me and that I have misinterpreted quite literally every situation in my life, success or failure it does not matter.

My shyness as a child manifested itself, or became manifest because of, into terrible anxiety that has afflicted every attempted relationship I've had since I can recall. My normalization to socialization was severely hampered due to the fact that my parents are terrible alcoholics that had nothing to supercede that fact. I spent extremely unhealthy amounts of time alone reading and playing video games. This basically went along without a hitch until I was 19 and went to college. Nearly no long term friendships or relationships because I wanted to be alone to relieve my mind and to escape the constant drunkenness and hostility that always creates (then the void of solitude when said drunks pass out, after another day of having not cared or listened to you at all).

There's nothing to mention about college other than I wanted desperately to make friends and maybe actually get that mythical girlfriend creature I've heard so much about. The one good thing that happened is that even though I smoked cigs and drank heavily for two years, I have since quit both of those things and only smoke/vape/eat weed. It is far better and I simply hate alcohol due to my worthless parents. All I ever did was study and get too drunk to ever do anything productive. It was simply an easy way for me to escape and all that supposed boldness that wells up in oneself after consuming a lot of alcohol never occurred for me, I simply was able to use it as an excuse to find more excuses. Just like my parents.

Eventually after I got my degree, I simply wanted to escape my situation and I tried to join the navy. No reason other than to get the hell out of my life and start over basically. Only problem is is that even though I passed all the tests before I signed up, all the tests during meps, and the tests before I got on the plane (another clinic right before I boarded even); I was terribly fucked over by the long arm of the law. When I was at boot camp they said I failed their csi miami style molecular hadron collided analysis and discovered an illicit plant in it that required my immediate termination from civil society. I was sent to the brig for six months. It's funny now in retrospect, at the time, not so much.

That was the incident. I finally got out of prison and had nothing and nowhere to go. I had a duffelbag full of some changes of clothes, a pack of smokes, the clothes I was wearing, and the entire world at my fingertips. Wandering around lonely isn't that great and I quickly hopped from bar to bar milking the fact that everyone thought I was in the military. Not a single person questioned it. I simply said that I was on leave and wanted to get fucked up. Everyone bought it.

I learned that I was capable of a lot of things, but that it all stemmed from the fact that I was not being myself. I had to lie. I did that a lot. I have always been anxious, depressed, lonely, and a liar. I also learned however that people are just as frail but able to cope far better than I can. I am actually incredibly weak compared to the rest of the world, but when I am in disguise I am able to feel normal and damn did it feel good.

I made it back home about a year ago and it was like nothing happened. My folks never said they were disappointed, never asked what happened, or even joked about dropping the soap, nothing. It's taken me this year to realize my entire life has been just so purposeless and terrible for many reasons that are not my fault, but for many that are as well.

Now I am terribly lonely with no more chemicals to mask my delusions. I am not interested in the invisible kind as well because my aunt is a nun and she's never been around. Family my ass, it's always doing whoever has the cleanest robe on in the room's work. I just want what so many take for granted and then tell me it's wonderful that I've never experienced.

I am working on myself and this helps. I'm sure it gives many a laugh, but I know there are virgins my age and older out there, hopefully most aren't just traumatized children trying to grow up too late like myself.

The only thing I can change is myself. The only one I can help is myself.
The only one I can potentially love is myself. So, I started doing it.

It would be beyond comprehension though to be able to experience that with a woman that loves me, but I am so broken that I'm not worthy. Someday if I ever resemble a man I might get lucky, but until then it is simply whatever. I am barely even able to hold still when an attractive girl is even near me. All the women I've ever known are cold and twist in the wind so quickly to make ones head spin. I wouldn't even know what to do with a normal woman even if I could actually not have a panic attack.

Perhaps if I had had any semblance of help or care or interest in my life, even from myself, I could have gotten some help. It is now too late.

I simply have to let it all go.

I'd rather have nothing, again, then just pain over and over again.
At least new pain is exciting. I'm tired of being afraid.


Votes:


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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 04,Oct,10 11:38

You need anti-depressants (yes, they actually do work); you may also have Aspergers Syndrome, get yourself tested. Life will probably still suck to some degree, but at least you will have the tools to cope with it. Good luck.
By anonymous at 05,Oct,10 00:58

I'm getting tired of hearing "just get antidepressants". The problem is his place in life. Not some bullshit chemical imbalance.
By anonymous at 05,Oct,10 12:25

Obviously the problem is his place in life, but for some people antidepressants can give you the strength to change your position in life when you have no other support and can't go on.


By anonymous at 04,Oct,10 13:23

it seems you do have addiction to drugs. drinking will not make your problems go away, it will just make them worse. you need to learn about affirmations they can help greatly with anxiety and depression. Yeah you need some antidepressants. Buy some st. johns wort. get some oatmeal, put ginger basil and parsley. It will help with your mood. get some excercise. Try to get a hobby. Go out and be daring. Say hi to a girl or anybody while your out at the mall or store. it doesnt matter what they will say to you. Think of it as just practice of releasing your fears. I get afraid to but the affirmaitons i have been doing helped me. search affirmations in youtube. they have tons of great videos.


By anonymous at 04,Oct,10 18:37

i'm a 25 year old virgin is that makes you feel better...


By anonymous at 04,Oct,10 19:50

yeah right blaming your parents for your addictions and stupidity.


By anonymous at 04,Oct,10 20:04

most people who lost their virginity b4 marriage will go to hell, take adventage of ur situation and wait, sexual pleasure is a meaningless joy compare to the happiness god is capable of giving you if you follow him
By anonymous at 10,Oct,10 17:51

myessss hell(stewie griffin accent)
By anonymous at 11,Oct,10 00:18 Fold Up

wow. Just....wow. ignorant piece of...


By anonymous at 05,Oct,10 01:27

I really enjoyed reading your story. I can deffinately relate. I admired your writing too, you seem VERY intelligent and I think that the perspective you take on your life makes you pretty tough on the inside, even though your life is full of so much pressure and stress.

I hope things get better for you man.


By anonymous at 05,Oct,10 07:11

I enjoyed your story. Although I cannot relate to some of it I do share the feelings or worry you do. I was at the point where I couldnt leave my house unless its with family or I was drinking. Should find me on fb and we can talk, nikki rezz. If not, I wish you the best!


By anonymous at 06,Oct,10 09:14

I totally relate with you Bro. just that i am 3 years older than you.fighting constant battles day after day moment after moment. This society sucks big time. It has no mercy.Judges you based on the f'kin things you have and the f'ckin things that you have done.You know the kind of life where nothing is wrong and no one is to blame but its all wrong for you. keep fightin man.
LABTYD...........If you know what that means.


By anonymous at 09,Oct,10 09:50

1. For anxiety, face you worst fears and go out and meet people. This will give you self confidence. You will find out that your fears were pointless after all.
2. For you virginity, find a good call girl. An experienced call girl will know that you are a virgin and will find that exciting. I met a call girl one day who wanted to break her old record of de-virginizing two guys in one day. She saw her third virgin, broke her old record and was very happy.


By anonymous at 10,Oct,10 17:36

i think ppl need to let go and do things that they never thought they would or could. if u want to practice being with a girl, look in the social column and be with a woman just to get used to it. she wont judge u - its her job, she's getting paid for it and those woman enjoy pleasing men.
then get back into the social scene - ANY social scene and just force the people around u to accept u by being nothing but yourself. if they dont like u then FUCK them and so the hell what? everybody on this earth is beautiful and human and deserves to be loved and healed. mwa peace and many many blessings


By at 24,Mar,12 05:57

hey buddy, try not to worry, atleast know others are having a shit time too. maybe this story isnt as bad but ill tell you my situation anyway. well i was abandoned and grew up in a really messed up perverted and viscious family and i never had friends either. when i was 13 i became best friends with someone and that was the first person i had ever trusted and let in. well i fell completely in love and to my shock i actually ended up with her... well i was with her until last year, our relationship was a bit messed because i have issues with people touching me, and she went to canada on a trip and met someone she liked better so they live together now. and now im alone and even the thought of having sex makes me sick. dont listen to people about anti depressants, why should we medicate ourselves for being brave enough to see people and the world for what they are... fucked up. im sorry you havent met anyone yet, but i had and it was the most traumatizing thing i wish i never had. just to add to that, the girl is actually a stripper now (im guessing also a prositute) well she was for a while i was with her too, and she called me a coulpe of times while someone was fucking her so i could hear that she was happy and moved on...


By crorkz linkz at 20,Oct,14 17:21

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