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Life really does suck...BIG TIME

Posted by shattered at October 30, 2009
Tags: General  October 2009

My life started to suck when I was 2. My parents separated and began a 3 year custody battle over me. That battle ended when my mom died during a "routine" operation when I was 5. As I write this I'm 30 years old, and realize that IF I somehow manage to live to be 100, I will have lived 95% of my life without knowing my mom. Ok...that pain is bearable...I've done it for 25 years now. I moved with my dad to a small town where he remarried. I became the youngest of three kids...blamed for EVERYTHING that my brothers did. I was never beat or abused, but try dealing with depression at age 5. Got glasses when I was 8 and spent the next 10 years being called Urkel...getting teased and bullied for being skinny and intelligent. My teenage years were ok considering the daily torture I received from my "peers". Age 18, I move out...go to university...and fail miserably. I've spent the last 12 years going from dead end job, to dead end job, praying at the end of each month that I have enough money for rent. My longest relationship was 1 month, going years in between relationships. I have spent about half of my adult life alone with 2 major relationships under my belt. The first being my ex-fiance. We met, she got pregnant and we were together for 3 years...then she left me for an ex-con that she fell in love with. I went seriously in to debt to get custody of my daughter...so far in to debt that I had to ask my parents to raise her for me because I can barely afford to support myself. Then, comes my ex-wife...again...we met, she got pregnant, and shit went downhill from there...I was working full time, then coming home and taking care of her because she was sick all the time. Felt like a servant, slave, or whatever...so I went online for the intimacy I felt I was lacking(my own fault for what follows). We had 2 children together, and when she found out about my online activities...she left, with the kids. I went into even more debt and lost my second custody battle. I live in a 800 sq ft. prison cell alone, depressed and I've lost 30lbs in less than a year. I'm lucky if I eat once a day...I've bought groceries once in the last 6 months, and I haven't seen my boys in 9 months...I have no idea when or even if I'll ever see my sons again. My ex-wife will be filing the divorce papers in 3 months and has already moved on. I live every day in turmoil at not being with my kids or the one person I love the most in the world, knowing she doesn't love me, knowing that my kids will one day grow up hating me. I live with the knowledge that I single handedly hurt the woman I love the most, and destroyed my marriage and subsequently my life. I work at a shit job making minimum wage. I can't afford even a used car because I pay a government set and enforced child support amount as well as spousal support. I'm on the verge of being homeless and bankrupt. All in all, I'd say my life sucks pretty bad...but somehow, every day, I manage to work up the energy and the drive to get my ass out of bed and face another day in my own personal hell.


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