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Whats the point? Why not end it all?

Posted by t at October 22, 2010
Tags: Bad Luck  Failure  2010 October

I'm 50 in a couple of months. That’s not depressing in its self except for the fact that I have achieved nothing in my 50 years. Nothing! A total looser, I have no abilities and no enthusiasm. Self pity? - Probably. But fucking miserable with it.
Ok why? What’s the story? Right now, no job, no money, not signed on to the dss or anything. Have a business that I cant run properly, things go wrong continually, finances are terrible, for every bit of business I win, the government fine me for something else, either late filing penalties or CIS scheme fines for not telling them I haven’t earnt anything . They keep back 20% of every bit of business I do, because I've never claimed it, they should owe me! But oh no, the fines probably out weigh it. My laptop PC with all data on it for 10 years including all bids and business work has gone wrong, completely fucked, wont even boot up so I've lost access to two personal email accounts, three business accounts and my two kids accounts. Not to mention ten years of digital photos and 20 days of continuous itunes music. Used to be in IT telecoms and finance, fluked into that by the way, because I have no education -nicked a car and wrote it off when I was 16 so never took any exams, put myself in hospital for 6 months with serious internal injuries. Anyway, got into IT when a neighbour suggested I try for a computer operator job where he was working in a geophysical exploration company, so with is influence, I got the job. Worked up to senior operator in 6 years but spent that time messing about, having a laugh, taking minor drugs, shagging anything in a skirt and being full of shit. They moved the operation to Bedford & made redundant the people they least wanted to take with them. With my dads help and scouring the evening news, I got a job at the stock exchange in London as an operator, I'm sure it’s only because the interviewer fancied me though! Worked there for 6 years, made shift manager, staff of 8 - that was good, but a totally wasted experience, I could have done so much better there had I actually bothered to learn more and be more responsible. When Andersons consulting took over the operation of the ops department, I was the only one to be made redundant! Why? Not because I was the highest paid member of staff or because I was often late, but because I was too useless at the role. From there was lucky to get a contract with Union bank of Switzerland as shift manager, that lasted till some fucking twat member of my staff forgot to turn on one of the markets at 4am in the morning and I got shafted. But no, let’s look at that, it was my fault; it was my responsibility to know what he was supposed to be doing and to check it had been done. Not fucking difficult! Unemployed for a while, 6 months or so, was promised a job with Credit Suisse First Boston, but after leaving me hanging on for 2 months, they finally put a recruitment freeze on. Unemployed, relying on my wife to pay for stuff, with a small baby boy as well, I ended up temping, unloading lorries, working in an office as mail delivery boy with a bunch of other losers. Through a really good agency (really good agencies don’t exist any more!) I got a job with a cable TV company helping to set up their computer operations dept and run it. I left there when the job almost disappeared and I was drinking too much, pissing about and surfing the web for internet porn. It’s the only job I ever left without being pushed. Got a job at Sema group telecoms as a programme manager whatever the fuck that is, pissed off the project manager through my own neurotic paranoid inabilities and applied for a job as sales liaison manager. Great job but was crap at that, wish I was better coz it was a very necessary role and I enjoyed it when it was going well but was on the verge of being sacked coz I was a useless twat. Oh I left that job too, not sacked or redundant. Applied for a job at an American IT Telecoms Billing company local to me, so no commute! Loved that job. Was there for a couple of years travelling the globe to see clients and do trade shows and returned from a trade show in France and was made redundant along with one other guy in support. From there got a job with a Jewish telecomms company, never met so many self richous egotistical ass holes in my life. That lasted 6 months, I was made redundant there but the whole company folded a couple of weeks later. From there went to an English IT company as a consultant, that was then taken over by a Japanese company and sure enough was made redundant. My dad was retiring having run a pretty mediocre small company making little revenue for 15 years of so, suggested I run with that. Started with enthusiasm but found it a real struggle, especially with no budget to invest in marketing, no staff save the crews that apply the stuff. Couple of years it was ok but now its fucked. I'm late on delivery of bids, when I get them in and win the contract I don’t follow up - yes some of this is down to my crap pc but most down to me, Oh yea, I'll do it tomorrow attitude! I have applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 5 years, even had a couple of interviews but still no banana. The business is shit. My prospects are shit. My life is shit. I'm going to check my life insurance is ok, or take out a new one, so at least my wife and kids get something from my miserable existence, then have a fatal accident. You know the best thing I ever did was marry my second wife (first wife was a cow). We have 2 fantastic kids in their teens, one of them can’t stand me, & can hardly bare to be in the same room as me, especially when it comes to watching TV. So all in all, the best thing I ever did was marry my wife, and provide her with two great kids. Now my role is over, its time to take my redundancy.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
Whats the point of living February 26, 2012
WHATS THE POINT IN GOING ON? March 28, 2010
Not sure what to do... February 19, 2012
What's The Point? March 20, 2012
my life is no good!! August 4, 2011



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 24,Oct,10 09:39

I didn't vote, and I'm not saying that your life isn't bad, your luck's not shit, or anything like that....

But you're already so advanced in this rat-race with a lengthy resume, two kids, found 2 women who liked you enough to marry you, why not just let the end come naturally?

You sound like at the very least you've got a long, fairly solid work background with a lot of variety. You've also run your own business (fledgling or not, that's a big character indicator of a strong person). Why not think back to the things that you enjoyed the most out of all your experience, and try turning the self-employment into that direction?

And you should be happy about not getting the job in Boston. I have lived in Massachusetts most of my life and if you think you're depressed already, you should see what this place is capable of turning people into, and yes even Brits with cute faces and accents can get the shit shaft out here, I've seen it happen. Not even funny. One of the worst states in the country to live in as far as society goes.


By Peach at 27,Oct,10 13:45

You had so many people who employed you and helped you during your career. WHy are you so full of yourself?
Why do you only blame others and say- they were fucked up and stuff.
Maybe some along the way who had your issues too? Maybe your attitude? ANd it's probably time to change this?
You don't sound like a bad person. You have a beautiful wife and kids. I mean, can you view things from other angle?
Sometimes it's ok to take smaller jobs at first and go step by step no matter what your age is.
Take it slowly and be honest with yourself. Admit mistakes you did in the past and learn from those.


By anonymous at 29,Oct,10 01:20

I hate to break this to you, but the world doesn't revolve around you, you self-asorbed prick. You know what you sound like? An angry little man with backpack full of excuses. Why can't you be grateful for the breaks and the help you've gotten over the years? All you seem to be capable of is seeing the bad in life and blaming others for your own fuckups. I pity your wife and kid a lot more than you. If anything, you got a lot more out of life than you deserved. If you're sick of how your life is going, the first thing you need to do is get your head out of your ass and think a bit more positively.


By anonymous at 01,Nov,10 10:57

i'll be 50 in a couple months too

but from here it sounds to me like u just need to grow the f@#* up, stop whining, and quit blaming everyone else for your screw ups

OTOH if you're just going to continue to play the victim game like you are now, then do us all a favor and opt out now

i for one am sick and tired of putting up with bitter, angry pensioners who blame everybody else for their perceived problems and so-called injustices and think the world owes them something


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