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Why Am I Even Alive

Posted by B-Don at October 30, 2010
Tags: Abuse  Attitude  Family  2010 October  Poverty

I was molested as a kid, I've been physically and mentally abused my whole life even witnessed my mother getting abused as a little kid. I'm 24 years old living in a shitty ass rooming house that has roaches. If I didn't get disability I would be homeless. My father is an asshole who was never there for me financially, my mothers boyfriend was physically and mentally abusive, mother didn't give a shit she put him over me. I live alone with no friends but I do have associates. I can't find a girlfriend the girls I do meet are fuckin treacherous and pathetic and never seem to work out. I spend my days smoking weed and newports, which I'm trying to quit but it's hard as fuck. My family is dysfunctional as hell. They try to help out but they wind up being useless & worthless and nothing EVER goes my way. Society won't give me a chance and I feel trapped and lost. I pray to God but it seems he just watches and lets me suffer day n and day out. It's freezing cold in my room and the land lord will not get his rent until he gets me a heater. I've told him to get me one he said he would but he keeps bullshitting and he has millions, a fuckin rich slumlord. I have small ass refridgerator that doesn't freeze anything so I can't really cook anything, I have to cook noodles and eat out mostly. I'm going back to school in January so I can give my life some type of meaning, but theres nothing worst then this cursed ass hopeless life. I've seen miracles in my life but it seems right now I'm shit out of luck. I wonder why I'm even alive. I think about death all the time. If I wasn't such a coward I would end my life but then I would spend eternity in hell. I feel that God hates me so much it's not even funny. I been in and out of the psychiatric hospital. I have trouble sleeping most of the time. It's just a damn shame.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair March 26, 2010
I'm going to fucking kill my self September 16, 2010
Need a Reason to live February 26, 2012
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Comments:
By anonymous at 05,Nov,10 10:19

You got one thing though! Going back to school seems like a good start. Education is valuable, let no one tell you otherwise. Plus you are trying to quit smoking weed! I think you are a really strong person to still be holding on. And God does listen to prayer, have some faith.


By B-Don at 05,Nov,10 14:09

Yeah and whoever put It's Not really that bad is a fuckin bitch cake.


By anonymous at 06,Nov,10 10:19

To control those roaches, get some Tokay Geckos.


By anonymous at 06,Nov,10 16:26

Ooooh! This is very sad.... I wish I could be your friend... you seem very lonely... you need somebody to be with you. If people treat you like crap.. tha doesn´t mean your crap.. they are. I really hope that someday you can meet someone that treats you as you deserve.


By anonymous at 08,Nov,10 23:24

GOD CANT HELP YOU THOUGH WE OURSELVES ARE KILLING EACH OTHER WITH VIOLENCE AND HATE AND GIRLS IT MUST BE YOU HAVENT BEEN LOOKING AT THE RIGHT PLACES .. THERE ARE GOOD GIRLS HAVE SOME FAITH IVE HAD IT TOUGH TOO WITNESSING MY DAD RUNNING OVER MY MOM WITH HIS TRUCK EVERYONE HAS HAD IT TOUGH JUST HOLD ON AS FAR AS THE DRUGS GO TO A REHABILITATION CENTER THOSE DRUGS ARE JUST KILLING YOU ... im sure youll find someone everyone has a soulmate
By anonymous at 05,Dec,12 16:16

God does not give a shit about anyone on this planet. Wanna know why... There is no FUCKING GOD. If you want a better life... get off your arse and make one. Stop fucking waiting for a non-existing higher power to just drop an opportunity right in your hands.
St. Lucifer 13th


By anonymous at 27,May,12 11:56

stay off the weed and things will improve. if only slightly.
•virtual hug•


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