My life completely sucks. I've lost a job, lost a sibling unexpectedly, and lost a significant other all in less then 5 months of each other. It took me awhile, but I have found another job. One that I am not happy with, but at least it is paying most of the bills for now. My brother is never coming back and I just can't seem to let go of that. We weren't incredibly close as far as us sharing the same interests, but he was the only other person on this planet who knew what we went through as children and had to survive. A friend pointed out to me yesterday that I still talk about him as though he were here and it might be why I'm having a hard time....bc I haven't let him go yet. I don't want to.
Then comes the love of my life leaving. It has been a long time coming and I could see the writing on the wall long before now. I have struggled with that fact and in many moments created some very crazy moments for the both of us. I have yelled and been down right crazy enough to be institutionalized due to the fear of being left. In the end...I was left...bc who wants to deal with crazy?
Now I just want to die. I don't want to deal with all this pain and I don't want to live such an empty existance without my best friend. I'm still very much in love with this person and I'm rejected. My self worth is at an all time low and there is nothing I can do to fix the problem. I don't follow through with suicide as I have a young child and I can't do that to my mother too....although I think she is on a fast track to leaving this life trying to deal with her woes and my brother's death.
I need help. I can't afford help as I have no insurance. I'm alone on this planet. Not even friends that call me make me feel like life is worth living. I just cry as I try to figure out in my head what should be the last thing I say to them. I'm spiraling out of control. Why am I not lovable? Why don't I deserve the job of my dreams? Why am I so alone? UGH....